I was told in a meeting that sharing financial worries with children is abusive - AIBU to think it isn’t?

[badgertwilight]

Obviously, you wouldn’t tell a four year old the ins and outs of your finances but I have always bee honest with my kids if we couldn’t afford something or had to be careful with regard to things like not wasting petrol or to please be careful with things like school bags as I couldn’t afford to replace them.

I don’t think I was abusive to my kids!

@Alwaysthebountyleft, I could have written your post. Utter shit and sorry you’ve had to deal with it. Never met someone IRL who had the same, helps to know I’m not alone. Mind my asking if you’ve had trouble with saving and spending ? I flip between being extremely tight fisted and then spending on luxuries for others (never for myself but want the best for DH etc and will go over budget for Christmas and bday pressies etc) Thankfully tend toward saving but never really been able to feel settled with finance issues. Cxx

I think giving them the info when they can’t do anything about it is likely to cause stress. So please take care of your things, we don’t have spare funds to replace them - fine. We’re broke, we don’t have money for food - not okay.

until they are in secondary, there's absolutely no need to discuss finances with them - we don't have unlimited funds, we have to work to earn money and there's poverty in the world is more than enough.

Then you do it very gradually. Having a stress free and happy childhood completely oblivious from any financial issue will not make you an irresponsible adult, and will even stop you from trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Kids need to be kids, it doesn't last any time as it is.

Children don't need to be burdened with adult problems. It's inappropriate and tends to be for the adult's benefit to feel better rather than in the best interest of the child. Saying no to non essential items that you can't afford is fine and healthy. It's ok to say that somethings are expensive and should be valued. What's not ok is giving children concerns about essentials like accommodation, food and basic clothing. Older teenagers may need a fuller explanation but in general DCs don't need to know that you're facing eviction and why. It's your job as a parent to sort it out so that they may know that you need to move but not be burdened by money worries at in appropriate age.

We never share financial worries with ds(14) but he is well aware of the value of things and the expectation he will respect and take care of his and our things.

@cardiffclare88 so sorry you had to go through this too. I expect like me the financial worries weren’t the only ‘parentification’ you were exposed to. I ended up being an emotional crutch to my father right up until 4 years ago when my mother died from alcohol related issues.

I hoped from then on we could heal as a family but no, my father as it turned out was seeing another woman towards the end of my mothers illness and he moved her into his family home (unbelievably he only was able to pay that mortgage off when she died) and he signed half the home over to the new woman.

I still can’t get my head around it, it caused such a row between us we are no longer in contact. So I’ve lost both parents.

With regards to how I manage money as an adult it’s meant I’ve always worked hard, always been afraid of not having money. I don’t save much and like you tend to people please so will buy my little family way too many presents. I do treat myself though, I’m slowly learning to recognise that I’m important too.

PM me if you’d like to chat x

Totally agree then. You can teach financial responsibility without burdening them with worry about family finances about which they can do nothing anyway except fret.

Took ours to Harrods window shopping where some cuddly toys costing £3000 plus kids were

I would rather have had some info as a child. Children often pick up on things. The household tension can be thick when money is a problem, I remember sitting on the stairs, because the conversation was too strained to interrupt. i WAS convinced they would divorce and we would be homeless. I think some carefully phrased involvement in the financial concerns would have saved me a lot of anxiety. SO give the info, just with reassurances. “ yes we are worried but we always manage somehow” is much better than the child knowing the worry is there and think8ng it all the worse because it’s too serious to tell the child

Was it a child protection meeting for your kids? Because if so, there must be other issues and I would listen to the advice with an open mind. However if you're a professional who heard that being said to a parent in a CP meeting then it doesn't apply to your situation so don't worry

Of course it wasn’t a meeting for my kids! goodness!

My mum would always hint at how ill my dad was and how much we were struggling financially. But would never be clear and honest. Fucking terrifying for a child. I would never do that to my own kids.

Re: eviction. Depending in rhe age, no, they don't need to know! I'd it is definitely happening, then yes they need to know it's happening....if it's just a possibility/probability....then mo, they don't need to know and worry about it. All that would do is make them scared.

With eviction I guess you'd need to explain when you were going to move out and where to.

The Aldi ly burdening the kids is a common theme in child protection but never the crux of the matter.

I have pulled up a parent recently about this. The child (top end of primary age) told me there were big money worries and they couldn't pay bills and that might mean they are homeless and sleeping on the street soon. That child was in bits about this. Wasn't true either - the threat.

Saying no to a toy or whatever because you can't afford it is completely normal parenting

Adult not aldi!

I agree that there’s a balance required between never mentioning money, teaching them about budgeting, or turning children into fretful, anxious bundles of fear.
It’s about the power they have o ver what happens, and the choices available. THey shouldn’t be involved in real money worries, only small stuff they can have an input into.
As a teacher, encountering small children with an awareness of and shouldering adultworries is heartbreaking.

I think explaining that sometimes kids can’t have certain items or things that their friends have because their parents have more money is fine as long as it’s age appropriate. It’s also fine to older children to explain about credit/loans/borrowing money and doing so responsibly

A note of caution: children do need to understand money. I really don't think sharing that money is short is abusive - but this all depends on the age of the child. They don't have financial responsibility but how to manage money needs to be learned over years. I currently am trustee for 2 adults. Money was never discussed in their house and as a result they have no concept of money, budgeting or managing finances, and it is going to take a while.......

That's ridiculous. Children need to learn the realities of life in a way that is understandable to them and at the right level IYSWIM. We don't want to terrify them with too much of the real rotten stuff but if we wrap them up in cotton wool it's not doing them any favours in the long term.

We need a bit of reality here - we're not living in Disney World where everything is lovely and singing a happy tune makes things right.

It's far better to let kids know what's affordable and within budget.
If you are getting into debt to hide or pretend you have funds beyond your means that's far more dangerous and damaging.

It's a tough one really.

I don't think anything actually needs to be said - kids living in poverty aren't blind to the fact.

"I can't afford a cinema trip" fine

"I can't afford Nike air trainers" fine

When it comes to basics I think kids notice if they don't have them. I don't think you need to specifically say.

I prefer the phrase "I don't have the money for that right now" as makes the future look less bleak for kids.

I think the way the mother deals with it on the Railway Children is the way to go. Hide 90% of your anguish and put a positive spin on the 10% they have to know about.

My DMum overshared with me as a child and it did me no favours I can tell you. I couldn't concentrate at school with all the stuff I had in my head that frankly should not have been there. As an adult I can look back and see I was damaged for life by knowing stuff. Kids can't rationalise. They don't have points of reference or the ability to shrug and go, 'Ah fuck it! What are the chances of that happening', and then just forgetting about it. They lie awake worrying but they don't verbalise it. When adults have problems they verbalise it and express it and vent it and often, nine times out of ten, they sort it. The poor DC does none of these things. They turn it over and over and the fear grows to the point it's crippling.

I think it’s ok to say things like “sorry darling we can’t afford that toy this week” but not ok to go into detail about eviction or not being able to survive.

Kids are going to know if your going to a food bank or if there’s not much food in the cupboard that something isn’t right, what do you tell them? I think it also depends on how old they are.

I tell my kids if we can’t afford luxury items or an expensive school trip. Luckily I have always been in the position to put food on the table and provide basics but sometimes I tell them we can’t afford a trip to the cinema or a take away. I want them to know that I work hard to provide but I’m not rich.

Telling them things they can do something about isn’t OK, like saying we can’t afford dance lessons or you should switch the lights off to conserve energy.

Telling them about things they cannot control is abusive, e.g. we are getting evicted. If a family might be evicted the children should be prepared for a move but they shouldn’t be told the circumstances.