I was told in a meeting that sharing financial worries with children is abusive - AIBU to think it isn’t?

[badgertwilight]

Obviously, you wouldn’t tell a four year old the ins and outs of your finances but I have always bee honest with my kids if we couldn’t afford something or had to be careful with regard to things like not wasting petrol or to please be careful with things like school bags as I couldn’t afford to replace them.

I don’t think I was abusive to my kids!

I'm open with the children about how much we have and how it is allocated. £150 per week for spends - £100 for food, £5 each for children pocket money, £10 each for adult pocket money. Beyond that they don't know about bills etc. They can see that we budget and allocate money, but they don't worry or be concerned about bills or adult worries.

Agree that there is a difference between saying no we can't afford that to a requested toy/treat/item and forcing a young child to listen to - or witness distress - from a parent complaining about their financial situation.

After my dad left having emptied the bank accounts we really struggled financially and I know that my mum hated the constant round of 'no, we can't afford that'.

DD was keen on the school ski trip until I pointed out how much money it actually was (over a grand ....) so is going on another overseas trip a third of the cost instead, that kind of bargaining or budgeting is a life lesson IMO.

If I was facing eviction I would probably say we might have to move and make up some excuse for the quick nature of it, but I don't think I'd be giving chapter and verse on how and why we didn't have the money to pay the rent.

Kids aren't stupid. I don't think my parents ever told me about their finances or worries about money but I was accutely aware we didn't have money and that the cheery chopping up of furniture "we don't need anymore" to put on the fire to heat our house was bollocks. As a consequence, I never ever asked for anything as a child. I don't think not telling them means they don't know.

I think it is abusive if the child knows every in and out and are hyper aware that they are living hand to mouth.

There is a balance to be had between knowing that money isn't infinite and you can't have everything you want and knowing you can't even afford dinner. A child should not be worrying where their next meal is coming from.

We were evicted last year. Although the children were not aware of the real reasons for us leaving the only home they had ever know. They were told the house had been flooded and we were staying with family while we sorted things out.

There was the odd question from our eldest, but mostly because of nosey parents at the school who told their own children, who then spoke to our eldest. Sadly you cannot avoid the eviction note being stuck on the front of the house.

Dd was told a slightly potted version of events which satisfied her as we had already laid the groundwork for moving home generally. It just happened quicker than any of us anticipated.

We have worked hard this year to show the children that we have a secure home again and to mitigate the effects the move had. Because there were effects and we still experience the odd one now.

Of course it wasn’t a meeting for my kids! shock goodness!

Leaving aside your hugely offensive 'shock' reaction, why on EARTH would you take one piece of advice given to parents who are CLEARLY struggling with parenting to some significant extent and assume it should be applied as general advice?

There is a world of difference between a parent telling their child they can't afford X thing and a parent sobbing to their child and keeping them awake at night to talk about money, or making their child go begging to neighbours for food or pretend to teachers that they have already eaten their packed lunch.

This is a totally pointless thread.

not - because that isn’t what happened.

mini but wouldn’t it have been better to have gently explained things to the children beforehand? As if they were told the house flooded, wouldn’t there be an expectation that they would go back at some point?

My parents weren't well off but my mother constantly told me 'not to ask for anything because you won't get it', complained about our private school fees (her choice/decision, not my df's) and turned me into a very anxious child and teenager. I was expected to get a Saturday job as soon as I could though my two sisters were considered too good to work and given pocket money.
My DCs knew we had little money but thankfully grew up before the trend for brand names and instant gratification, they had to save for things which I'm sure made them appreciate things more.
Neither remembers going without either.

My eldest DD responded quite badly to me telling her we couldn’t afford to go to Disney in the US. She got really upset and asked if we’d have to start sleeping outside like the people in town. I explained that we have enough money for everything we need and a bit extra, but that what she was asking for was very expensive so that it cost too much. She’s mentioned being worried about having to move house because of money quite a few times. We don’t have any money problems and don’t really discuss money in front of the kids anyway, but she has quite a few friends in school who’s parents have had to move house as a result and I think it must have worried her

Sorry pressed post too soon. I meant they had to move house as a result of parents getting divorced and both downsizing/moving to cheaper area

As a child I was aware of my families finances from a young age just from how we lived and from the conversations I heard. I knew not to ask for things because I knew they didn't have the money.
I was an adult before I realised it wasn't like this for everyone.

My eldest DD responded quite badly to me telling her we couldn’t afford to go to Disney in the US. She got really upset and asked if we’d have to start sleeping outside like the people in town.

What age is your daughter? That sounds like an extreme reaction to a holiday that most people either a) can’t afford or b) would need to save for.

@badgertwilight, sadly there wasn't time for that. The plans we had put in place fell through at the 11th hour and the bailiffs turned up while the kids were at school.

As we had already been talking about moving house, we used the time we spent elsewhere to be the bridge between old and new. It wasn't perfect but it was better than the children knowing that strangers had attended the house, changed the locks and told us the house was no longer ours.

It would have been infinitely worse if the children had been home at the time as I was panicking and getting upset, the bailiffs were understandably putting pressure on to get us out as they had their job to do.

That is the sort of thing which would scare the beejesus out of them.

We just didn't take the children back to the house at all until we had secured permanent alternative accommodation, shown them and then we went and said goodbye to the Old house and our neighbours.

When they get to adulthood I am sure we will tell them the truth, as there is a huge financial lesson to be learnt from our experience.

When my DH's parents got divorced his mother would constantly tell him "I just don't know how we are going to cope and pay the bills/ mortgage". She would then go out and spend lots of money on non essentials like house decorations etc while still saying we won't be able to cope financially now DH's father left. I consider this a bit abusive and different to "ow we can't afford to get these trainers" etc or teaching your children how to budget which is a much needed lifeskill. It's not okay to put adult stress on them tho.

squaksquak I agree it was an extreme reaction and it did take me by surprise. We normally go on holiday in the UK, so I don’t know how she thought we were going to afford Disney! She was 5 at the time and had been at school for about 6 months. In her class there were quite a few kids who went on holiday to Lapland and Disney and about 4 or 5 whose parents had separated in the space of those 6 months. Each one of those where their parents had separated had needed to move house because of money. I can only think it had something to do with that! I’ve tried to explain to her many times that things cost money and that no one can afford everything and it’s about choosing well what you spend your money on and that the essentials (house, food, heating etc) come first. She’s nearly 9 and still doesn’t seem to get it, but now doesn’t seem to worry so much that we’re suddwnyl destitute when I tell her we can’t afford something. She does still tend to be quite dramatic though!

I think it depends on the language if it's age appropriate should be ok.
I remember being left in the dark all the time as a child and things just happened as a nasty surprise.
My parents divorce, leaving the family home etc.
A warning would have been nice.