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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I agreed with DH that we wouldn't 'do Santa' and now I want to. Aibu?

82 replies

Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 20:32

DH had a JW upbringing. He's no longer JW and had his first Christmas with me.

He's intensely uncomfortable with the idea of father Christmas. We agreed we would do stockings but not perpetuate the myth that santa exists.

My boys are now one and two and today I realised that I really want to put out a carrot and mince pie and large glass of whiskey . DH straight away and said he didn't want to.

Aibu? We agreed before we had kids and now I'm here I just feel so sad. He's also on about doing a 'deep clean' on boxing Day as we're hosting on the 27th. It doesn't feel like Christmas

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2018 21:51

He sounds like he’s still a practising JW to me OP?

ballsdeep · 23/12/2018 21:51

Sod that they believe for such a short space of time. Embrace the magic when you can. Tell the grin h to mop himself while you play with the toys santa brought for your kids.

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:52

I'll work on the boxing day thing and see how I go.

He does value my opinion mostly until I disagree with him and then I have a fight on my hands. Most of the time he's ok though. He does take a share of the domestics and childcare. Although I'm the default parent. It's ok for me though because I am really happy having the boys during the day. i work evenings

This thread is a lot more complicated than just Santa I think.

I think his childhood was tough. His parents are really good jws. His dad also has real mental health issues and had several psychotic episodes.

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 23/12/2018 21:52

Even if you two never mention Santa once they go to nursery it will be all around. We have never done this elf on the shelf thing but ds has been talking non stop about the naughty elf and what he gets up to - don’t know whether he’s heard it from school or tv but it gets in somehow! So your dh needs to decide what he’ll do when the two year old is three and comes home saying stuff about Santa - does he say no lo that’s all a lie? If it was still for religious reasons he could say “no we don’t believe in Santa because we believe x” but he can’t do that either.

Hohocabbage · 23/12/2018 21:53

He does value my opinion mostly until I disagree with him do you realise how that sounds? And how meaningless his valuing of your opinion is?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/12/2018 21:55

We always did stockings but didn't say where they came from. Main presents always from us. Nursery/ school did the rest. I have adopted a never confirm or deny approach but be led by the child other than creepy elf on the shelf in terms of traditions. Very soon they are putting mince pies and carrots out. If they ask me I just ask them what they think. I didn't want to lie to them but happy to go along with the magic. All bar one believed well into ks2 and the one who didn't is very sceptical about everything. Same with tooth fairy. Easter bunny never had a consistent enough image and really could do with some rebranding! Maybe a never confirm or deny approach would work with your dh?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/12/2018 21:57

Oh and for Boxing Day maybe offer to take the children out so he can crack on with the house!! I take it the visitors are his side of the family?

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:57

@Hohocabbage probably a bad summary. He treats me as an equal but falls into bossy patterns. I just call him bossy and crack on. We don't have many differences in opinions that really matter. The Santa thing matters and I will get my own way. If I put my foot down then my word is final. Otherwise I'm happy to let him do whatever

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:59

Visitors are his family - none of them are jws. We're at mum's Christmas day. Home here Christmas morning

OP posts:
tinselduck · 23/12/2018 21:59

He has his traditions, you have yours. As long as he respects yours, he doesn't have to participate.

SadOtter · 23/12/2018 22:09

Is he fairly recently not JW? My parents are very, very religious (although not JW) and it does get quite deeply ingrained, even once you have left the religion.

Have you explained to him why you want to and had a proper conversation? He might just not get how much it all means to you, I mean he will have grown up with it just being another day, so the whole carrots and mince pies will mean even less to him than it does me. I leave DH to do it because it's something nice he does with the kids but have to admit when they were small it just seemed like a waste to me (we celebrated Christmas but no father Christmas growing up, it was about church)

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 23/12/2018 22:12

Visitors are his family

Perfect, he cleans, you take dc out because you can't really do much cleaning with little dc around. Almost as if you are doing him a favour taking them out!

NataliaOsipova · 23/12/2018 22:15

I'm game for a celebration, but the lies that go with it... not so much.

I’m with this show and, like you, it’s not because I didn’t have it as a child. My own memories of Father Christmas are of feeling deeply frustrated that my mother kept telling me that “she believed” when I felt pretty sure it was a load of old rubbish. I “do” Christmas with my kids - I think as much as anyone- loads of outings, loads of presents, big tree etc etc. And I “do” Santa up to the point that they question what they’re (widely) told. But I won’t look in their face and directly lie to them.

EvaHarknessRose · 23/12/2018 22:36

My dh felt strongly about not celebrating Halloween, I said I would support that out of respect for his religion, and so turned down the first few invitations dc got. Then he mentioned something about Halloween and clearly had ‘forgotten’ his wishes. Frustrating when I was fielding bemused comments from friends - so then we ended up ‘joining in a bit’ with pumpkin carving and the odd costume. I think your current compromise sounds about right. Why not just see how it develops, but its his role to explain it, not yours, as they get older.

Elphie54 · 23/12/2018 22:49

Wow, I see a lot of judgement of his upbringing in your post. That’s is so sad for him. I wonder if that attitude comes out during day to day activities as well.

Hohocabbage · 23/12/2018 22:54

Well that’s because she is judging his upbringing surely. As is he, since he left the religion.

Argonauts · 23/12/2018 23:39

Gosh, Elphie, since when has using your judgement to decry the loopy notions of a bunch of misogynistic crackpot cultists been a bad thing? Hmm

Di11y · 24/12/2018 00:02

my dd is 4 and I decided to do the 'isn't playing Santa such a fun game!' angle. Planning on leaving out carrot etc and even footprints on the hearth rug, presents wrapped in different paper, but it's all a fun game of make believe.

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 24/12/2018 06:27

I'm definitely judging his upbringing. I don't particularly mind the traditional values. Although that's not easy to circumvent now we have children. I do judge that at the age of 14 his friends were told not to associate with him because he had the audacity to take twelve months off due to illness. I do judge that if someone is raped and they choose to leave the congregation to avoid their rapist they lose their friends and family. The religion is more important to them than we are. It comes first every time.

I don't judge what it's like to have a father who suffers from paranoia and psychotic episodes. That must have been really tough for all of them.

I'm just going to see how things go this year. He said all he sees is the shops are a shit show over Christmas Hmm I'll try to explain to him the meaning of boxing day. If he still doesn't get it I'll make sure we stay at mum's or host for the whole Christmas period. He won't mind that and Will happily join in then. It's just because it's going to be only us

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2018 07:45

No-one who's busy 'doing family Christmas' would be paying attention to the shops, would they. (Not strictly true but the general sentiment is). It's precisely because he isn't familiar with the 'good stuff' about Christmas that he notices the peripheral nonsense.

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 24/12/2018 09:03

That's a fair point actually. I'm going to break out the backgammon board tonight I think! Our first Christmas we stayed up till 2am playing cards, drinking red wine and eating cheese. I'd like to recreate that but with 2u2 sleep is the massive issue.

I told him this morning that I'm not giving up my Christmas with my babies. He said fine but he's still going to do a deep clean as boxing Day is out only chance. Don't think it helps that the previous two boxing days I've been heavily pregnant and pleased to get the tree down and every thing tidied away..this year is different with a child who is aware

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Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 24/12/2018 19:40

He spent this evening cleaning and every five minutes he got today. Says he's all but done and will only shampoo the carpets on boxing Day!

I can live with that.

For now I'm sat in the bath with a glass of wine and a facepack!

Merry Christmas

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SmileEachDay · 24/12/2018 20:00

But thankfully I brought all my boys up to believe in Santa

Could you hoik your judgeypants any higher?

It is possible to have a thoroughly magical Christmas without centring it around the CocaCola Guy. 🙃

Whalehello2 · 24/12/2018 20:04

DP is exJW.
He doesn't get Christmas. He's ok with it going on around him but never feels part of it and doesn't give 2 shits about it.
I find this time of year very hard. I have a one year old son, I'd love for him to have Christmasses like I do.

This year there is no Christmas stuff at all as I've been too unwell to sort it all out.

XmasPostmanBos · 24/12/2018 20:07

He spent this evening cleaning and every five minutes he got today. Says he's all but done and will only shampoo the carpets on boxing Day!

I will trade that for Santa any time!