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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I agreed with DH that we wouldn't 'do Santa' and now I want to. Aibu?

82 replies

Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 20:32

DH had a JW upbringing. He's no longer JW and had his first Christmas with me.

He's intensely uncomfortable with the idea of father Christmas. We agreed we would do stockings but not perpetuate the myth that santa exists.

My boys are now one and two and today I realised that I really want to put out a carrot and mince pie and large glass of whiskey . DH straight away and said he didn't want to.

Aibu? We agreed before we had kids and now I'm here I just feel so sad. He's also on about doing a 'deep clean' on boxing Day as we're hosting on the 27th. It doesn't feel like Christmas

OP posts:
SilverApples · 23/12/2018 21:04

Small steps, it’s a huge change for him and I’m impressed you’ve got as far as stockings. How many Christmases have you shared so far?
Your children are very young and won’t care or understand for a while yet, so you have time to work out a plan together, and how far out of his comfort zone he can manage. If you respect him, you won’t just steamroller ahead.

SilverApples · 23/12/2018 21:06

Apologies, OP. You sound lovely.

LagunaBubbles · 23/12/2018 21:07

really, truly, do not get people's obsession with the magic of Christmas

Just because a lot of people like to feel a little "magic" at Christmas doesn't make it an obsession.

I'm game for a celebration, but the lies that go with it... not so much

I will never understand people who think like this. But thankfully I brought all my boys up to believe in Santa and I've got lots of wonderful Christmas memories becayse of it. I had my 25 year old son telling me recently how magical it was when he believed in Santa and saw his footprints in our hall.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2018 21:12

I always find it very sad when people are unable to put their own children first, and can't give them the magic of Xmas. It's just silly harmless fun that brings joy.

I think whatever your husband does or doesn't label himself he clearly has beliefs he can't let go.

Tippexy · 23/12/2018 21:14

Why do his views get to outweigh yours?

YourWinter · 23/12/2018 21:15

At two years old, anything you do is for you, not the child. They won't know the point of the mince pie 'for Santa' and at two, they won't be discussing their experience of Christmas Day with their friends or anyone else. Another two years' time and they'll know exactly what other families are doing!

Veganforlife · 23/12/2018 21:15

I think you should each do what you think is right with the children.i see no harm in you putting out the carrot and mince pie,and looking to the sky to hear bells..can't he just smile fondly and let it be just a little funny quirk his wife has?

Veganforlife · 23/12/2018 21:18

Also my kids were aware of Santa at age 2.. the excitement was magical.we always read them the night before Chrismas ,and it just went from there.

chipsandpeas · 23/12/2018 21:20

id give santa a miss for this year and then you have nearly a year for him to come to terms with the idea

Ethel36 · 23/12/2018 21:20

I was raised as a JW but no longer practising. I enjoy Christmas with the children. I love how excited they get about Santa and that they believe in the magic. Make it exciting for them now because they wont be little for long.

Littlemuster · 23/12/2018 21:24

I was also brought up as a JW. Personally I'm the other end, over compensating for what I didn't have and love all traditions.
However, having spoken recently to a recently departed JW, the reality is quite grim for most. You need to realise they are completely brainwashed and by celebrating birthdays and Christmas, in the back of their mind - they are fearing their life.
Sounds like he's trying to slip away from Christmas which is understandable however I wouldn't humour it. Do Christmas how it's supposed to be done and make him make his mind up.

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:25

I guess his views outweigh mine because he feels intensely uncomfortable with the concept. I don't feel any discomfort if I don't get my way. He genuinely feels it's wrong to lie to the boys. i think he had a deprived childhood with very little make believe

We've shared four Christmases together. This is our second with children. Although last year we had an 11 month old so it didn't really matter.

We discussed all this before I was pregnant and agreed to do stockings but not santa.

Ds1 won't understand Santa yet. He's two next month but doesn't have huge amounts of understanding. Tbf though I've not exactly built it up

OP posts:
abacucat · 23/12/2018 21:27

My parents didn't do santa. Once I mixed with lots of other kids at school I believed in santa anyway. If you don't want to do santa at all, you would have to tell your kids that he doesn't exist. Just not mentioning him does not work.

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/12/2018 21:28

I see loads of threads on mn "Aibu to not lie to my DC about santa" etc etc and I always think they end up like this thread in one way or another, either regret from the op, their partner, or the DC about their fucked up childhood. Kids are kids for so little time now, people might say it's lies etc etc but nobody will convince me otherwise that Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with a child that truly believes in the house is fan bloody tastic!!!

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:28

@Littlemuster I'd totally just do my own thing but he has that typical JW "man of the house" attitude. He's mostly ok but he would really struggle with me just doing my own thing on this one and me going against him. It's important to me that we're on the same page

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 23/12/2018 21:33

You need to come to an understanding and given his background I suspect you’ve done quite well to get stockings. If Christmas has been important to you, I’d think you’ll always be a bit resentful if you can’t recreate some of your own childhood traditions.

I disagree with those saying your 2 year old wouldn’t understand. Mine does and is very excited about Christmas. She’s been talking about her grotto visits at nursery and gets a lot more than I expected her to. I suspect some of that is nursery influence but it is really lovely to see.

CatnissEverdene · 23/12/2018 21:36

A very lovely former colleague of mine was a JW, and she had never made a decision for herself in her life. Her DF made them until she met her DH and then he and her FIL made them for her.

He's had a lifetime of watching men be the "head" of the family and women not allowed to make decisions for the family. I'm not excusing his behaviour but he's got years of conditioning that you are going to have to peel back layer by layer.

Anothermothersusername · 23/12/2018 21:38

The real world is full of so many harsh realities. Childhood should be about magic and wonder. The early years go by with a blink of an eye. Very difficult situation for you though if your DH feels so strongly about it.

POP7777777 · 23/12/2018 21:38

I never celebrated Christmas until I had a child of my own. It's now my favourite time of the year! I have 3 children now and we visit Santa, have a tree, make cards and mince pies, attend Christingle, sing carols, etc. We have made our own traditions and this will be my sixteenth year of celebrations. It's a lovely time for our little family to spend together. I was always envious of other children going to Christmas parties and pantos and having presents, etc. I love that my children can be part of what their friends are experiencing too and not feeling left out of the fun.
A little stocking, a mince pie and a smile. It's not a big ask in the grand scheme of things really. You don't have to join in any religious services to be a part of the magic. We get involved in Diwali, Easter, Valentine's, everything! It's nice for them to be involved and I remember the sadness of always being on the outside of everything. I really hope he loses his guilt over going against his upbringing and lets your children be part of the fun and magic. Xx

Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:41

@CatnissEverdene my fil is hilarious. He's still JW and finds it bemusing when I ask him to make me a cup of tea or if I dump the baby on him. Grin he definitely thinks it's a woman's domain.

DH is getting there. He's a good man but my god, he does get bossy. I just do my own thing mostly but I want him to come around to my way on the santa issue.

I guess what I'm reading on this thread is that I just need to drip drip the Christmas thing.

My 23 month old definitely doesn't understand Christmas. I haven't built it up at all and he doesn't go to nursery or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedtonamechangenow · 23/12/2018 21:43

Guilt.

I think that's it.

He was shunned as a young teen and it's really stayed with him

OP posts:
Warpdrive · 23/12/2018 21:43

I’m the same as your DH, I hate the deceit. But once my DC were at school, i realised that my DC could be ruining the Santa myth for everyone in their class if they knew it wasn’t real.

So...We did stockings, but didn’t make a big deal out of it, and the main pressies were under the tree from friends and family.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2018 21:45

I have several friends brought up JW but are no longer JW. They ALL relish Christmas and it’s magical sharing and giving festivities, I find your DH to be in the minority. He’s no longer a JW, you do what is right for your Children, not your DH’s non festive upbringing which he left.

RJnomore1 · 23/12/2018 21:45

Also raised a JW and you need to understand we are taught that celebrating Christmas is a sin but also that telling children Santa exists is lying to them and a terrible truly awful thing to do to them and you don't want a relationship with your children based on lies.

So he's at a point he is fine risking himself but not with the lies to the children I guess.

The ingrained misogyny is another thing totally. I forget how bad it is now I'm 20 years married to a kind man who values my decisions and is happy to let me lead where he thinks I have more to offer than he does(and vice versa too). I don't know how you get over the engrained entitlement of women being weaker, sinful, men being the head of the household TBH but I think you do need to tell him how it makes you feel.

People have no idea the long term emotional damage growing up in this cult has. I'm doing grand but I'm still not ok or normal in my thought processes. I have no"normal" standard to compare my kids childhood to and I guess he will be the same.

We still put out a drink for Santa btw and mine are 14 and 19 now. Have a lovely Christmas xx

lottiegarbanzo · 23/12/2018 21:46

Not doing Santa is one thing but not doing Christmas quite another. You have the celebration and the stockings, you're doing pretty well.

You can and must insist that cleaning on Boxing Day is not happening. Christmas cleaning happens before Christmas, in preparation for the whole festive period (obvs).

Enjoyment and relaxation together as a family is important and can be very low-key and traditional, with games, walks, cooking and eating together etc. What's to dislike? (I realise there will be an answer to that but, there's a lot that difficult to object to per se, yet which follows the traditional 'Eve / Day / BD' pattern.