Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Reassurance we have made the right decision

79 replies

Proudteachermummy · 23/12/2018 10:16

I'm a long time lurked but not posted.
Looking for some reassurance really that DH and I have made the right decision.

My FIL is terminal ill and 2 weeks ago we were given the devastating news that his care is being moved to end of life and palliative care. He is bed bound, can not do anything including feeding by himself, he is on a liquid diet and relies of a breathing mask and a cough assist machine. He has 24 hour nursing care. The doctors can't tell us how long but likely to be in the next few weeks as deteriorating quickly.

Anyway we have 2 young children 9 and 6. When we found out about the end of life care we took the children up to see him and it was the most amazing time, laughing, smiling, sharing old memories and lots and lots of cuddles. DH and I had already spoken about making that visit be the last one for the DC but has we left and one of DC said could that be the last time they go up to see him as he was so happy (he hadnt been like that for a while) and she wanted that as her last memory of him. We said to her of course and we want her to remember FIL happy.

Anyway the DC haven't been up any more, we have spoken to FIL and MIL about it and explained the impact on the children of seeing FIL suffering etc, they were both amazing and completely understood. FIL was understandably a bit upset because the DC are what keep him going, but as parents the well being of our children has to come first. (I sound selfish don't I, that my children come before a dieing man).

Anyway a family member has commented that she feels we have made the wrong decision, that he will now give up because he isn't seeing his Grandchildren and that we are basically making our DCs grieve before they need to. (Bare in mind, MIL, DH and I are the only ones who visit every other day, we all take it in turns, so he always has someone with him). It has been one of the hardest decisions to make but seeing your DC worried about visiting because they don't know how he will be when we visit. Our youngest DC even said what happens if Grandad dies when we are there? I just can't put my DC through it anymore, does that make me sound awful? This family member has been quite vocal on their thoughts, although rarely visits FIL and hasn't seen our DC since last Christmas, when we visited their house.

DH is struggling so much seeing his DF dieing and has been amazing in caring for him, this family member has now made him feel 10 times worse thinking us stopping the DCs going will kill him and that we are putting our children through the grieving stage to soon.

Maybe we are wrong, but I have to think of our DCs and the memories they have to live with.

Any thoughts would be great. We are just parents, in a very difficult and heartbreaking sitution, trying to deal with it the best we can.

(Sorry for the long post, it's been playing on my mind)

OP posts:

LokiBear · 23/12/2018 10:21

If you and dh feel you are making the right decision, then you are. You know your kids best. You are in an awful, horrible situation. Ignore comments from others, no two people would do this the same way. Look after your kids and yourselves.

C0untDucku1a · 23/12/2018 10:22

It is very difficult to see a parent dying. Draining. And i understand that you want to preserve a happy memory. But that’s not what life is. The relative is right isnt she that seeing his grandchildren would help your fil. When my father was touch and go my children still attended critical care, because they are what his life focus is. And dying people’s needs come first.

Your children are exactly the same age as mine. They understand people get ill and die. The difficultly we have as parents is helping them understand that, and accept it in some way.

LittleCandle · 23/12/2018 10:23

Definitely the right decision. Ignore the other person. It has nothing to do with them.

Pachyderm1 · 23/12/2018 10:23

So sorry for what you are going through it sounds like you’re all doing the best you can in an awful situation, and this family member should keep their beak out.

Bonesy1 · 23/12/2018 10:25

I made exactly the same decision with my children, you have made a sensible decision for your children at the most difficult of times. I didn’t need to think twice as still remember being taken to see my grandfather the day he died, it is not a positive memory

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 23/12/2018 10:26

Easy for them to comment - it's not their dc, so they don't know how they'd cope, and as they're not visiting much, they don't even know what they're asking the dc to cope with. Ignore them.

MarmiteTermite · 23/12/2018 10:31

I also made the same decision when my DF was dying and my DC were 14 and 12. They both read a poem at his funeral which was amazing. Sorry you are going through this.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/12/2018 10:33

What you are saying is that a family member has told your dh that his decision is killing his father.

What kind of human being does that?

A selfish one with a guilty conscience, perhaps?

Tell your dh that he is doing the right thing and that the family member will have to live by their choice. If they try to speak to him again he can give it to them both barrels...

AnoukSpirit · 23/12/2018 10:35

I'm really sorry for what you're all going through.

I'm not sure our opinions really matter.

My gut feeling, based on my own experiences, is that I would want to support the children to visit their grandad for as long as all of them could cope with it. It's not just about how they feel now, it's how they feel when they're older and can appreciate what it might have meant for him to be told they weren't coming back.

I've lost a parent. Watching them have to say goodbye to very, very close family members who were not going to visit again was absolutely devastating. I was there when they left, I was there when they said goodbye, I was there to watch my parent try to mask their pain from them, and I was there after they left to see the pain and distress it caused.

You absolutely need to care for your children, but please don't underestimate what it's like to be facing your own death and to have people in advance treating you like you're already dead.

Whatever you do, there is always going to be grief and distress for them. You can't take that away by stopping visits early, although I do absolutely under and where you're coming from.

If they have your support and reassurance they'll probably cope better than you perhaps fear. Asking what happens if he dies while they're there would be because they don't know what to expect and are afraid of the uncertainty. It doesn't mean they wouldn't cope. I say this based on having family experience of much younger children having to say goodbye to a dying parent at the very end, and knowing the "positive" impact it's had on them growing up of knowing they had that chance.

I'm only sharing these experiences because I know how hard it is to see further into the future when you're in that fog of grief as you lose someone. Sometimes we forget about how our decisions will impact on us as we try to live after they're gone.

You as a family can only do what you feel is best.

CloserIAm2Fine · 23/12/2018 10:39

So you PIL understand but some random family member who doesn’t actually visit themselves thinks you’re doing the wrong thing? They can fuck off!

It’s very shocking and upsetting seeing someone you love hooked up to medical machines and to know they’re going to die, even for adults. I can’t imagine how hard it is for children!

Your PIL understand your decision. Your decision is in the interests of your children. Please try to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through

AnoukSpirit · 23/12/2018 10:40

And yes, often people who aren't very closely involved, and perhaps do feel guilty about their lack of involvement, do have a tendency to pop up with very strong opinions of how you are supposedly doing the wrong thing when someone is dying.

All you can do is remind yourself it's them attempting to cope with their own guilt, and then continue making the best decisions you can for yourself and your circumstances.

That's all any of us can do.

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 10:43

I think it's the right thing you are doing

I've recently seen my dad through end of life and it is very hard for an adult to process that time. It sounds like the last visit went very well.

all good wishes to you

canibehereifimnotamum · 23/12/2018 10:44

Please don't take them. My FIL died last year and we moved in with my in laws- as did the entire family. It was the most draining time of my life- and was only a few weeks before our wedding. I went to work one day and by the time I had come home he was completely bedbound and like your FIL he couldn't drink talk etc. Even though he was super ill before, this was completely different. It was so hard to see and handle it was horrific. We were all there when he died and that was really hard. Don't let your kids see him like that it's absolutely heartbreaking and nothing could prepare you. I'm really sorry for you and all your family you're going through all this xx

brizzledrizzle · 23/12/2018 10:50

If you and dh feel you are making the right decision, then you are. You know your kids best

^This. It's your call and nobody else's.

WWlOOlWW · 23/12/2018 10:50

My parents did this with me and my nan. My last memory of my lovely nan was seeing her in hospital looking well-ish with lots of love in the room.

She died a few weeks later. I'm glad my parents made that desision.

You are not being selfish on wanting to protect your kids. That's what parents do.

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 10:50

also someone upthread mentioned that seeing the grandchildren would help him

we can't assume that

I actually dad had a lot of trouble letting go - certainly he was in the alleged last stages of dying for a very long time - because mum and I were there too much, probably. I thought it was the right thing to do but with hindsight perhaps not.

thefleurdelis · 23/12/2018 10:50

Ignore the relative. They are you children and one has already expressed their wishes, you are respecting that.

How about they make grandad some videos, you know chatting away, telling him a bout their day and that they love him etc. You can play them for him- he still gets his grandchildren fix, they get to feel they are still involved without spoiling that happy memory.

Grace212 · 23/12/2018 10:51

*think dad had trouble letting go

CaptainsYuleLog · 23/12/2018 10:51

I have never forgiven my parents for keeping me from my Nain when she was dying. I was 8. I wanted to see her.

ClaryFray · 23/12/2018 10:54

Death is horrific. Children don't need to see that. They need facts, sure. But the actual bare bones nitty gritty nope, your right to keep them away from that. Don't scar them too young. They'll have many years of dealing with death and dying, and there own mortality. Let them be little a bit longer.

Can you not give pictures and videos to FIL in the mean time. Of fun Christmas things :)

TitusAndromedom · 23/12/2018 10:56

I think the key here is that one of your children asked if that could be the last visit. That suggests to me that they aren’t emotionally mature enough to see a man they love deteriorate and die, and I think that’s fair. I would be worried about the long term effects of forcing them to continue to visit when they have made it clear that they do not want to do that. I agree with a PP that videos or drawings they could send along would be lovely, and it might be nice to encourage them to think of ways that they could support and comfort your MIL, but they don’t need to be visiting.

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 23/12/2018 10:58

@CaptainsYuleLog I’m sorry you had that experience but that is a very callous thing to post when the OP is clearly struggling with a difficult decision. AND when one of the DC has said themselves that they don’t want to see FIL again because they want to have nice memories.

FWIW OP I think you’ve made the right choice. When your DC made the comment about wanting it to be the last time did the other have an opinion at all? If they were in agreement then you absolutely must listen to them.

sparkle789 · 23/12/2018 10:59

Absolutely the right decision. It has nothing to do with he family member.

Kolo · 23/12/2018 10:59

I would do the same thing. Children do have to learn to come to terms with death and loss, but in an age appropriate way. Watching a loved one die is brutal; I have first hand experience of this as an adult. If not put my own children through that. I’d talk to them about their wishes, and I’d try to be honest when answering their questions, but I’d want to shield them from the brutal reality. 1) your FIL is sadly dying because he’s ill, not because your kids won’t see him. 2) at this point, I’m not sure there’d be any benefit to your FIL in dragging things out. 3) your FIL will soon be at peace, but your children have many decades of life ahead. Making them one of your priorities is not unreasonable.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 23/12/2018 11:03

Only you and your DH can make the decision about your children.

But I do think you need to take on board what AnoukSpirit has written above.

No matter what your ultimate decision, don't treat him like he's already dead. He's not. And that must be incredibly painful for him. He loves you and your family. He's been there for you and your family. Be there for him as much as you can.

Flip

1 2 3 4