Reassurance we have made the right decision

[Proudteachermummy]

I'm a long time lurked but not posted.
Looking for some reassurance really that DH and I have made the right decision.

My FIL is terminal ill and 2 weeks ago we were given the devastating news that his care is being moved to end of life and palliative care. He is bed bound, can not do anything including feeding by himself, he is on a liquid diet and relies of a breathing mask and a cough assist machine. He has 24 hour nursing care. The doctors can't tell us how long but likely to be in the next few weeks as deteriorating quickly.

Anyway we have 2 young children 9 and 6. When we found out about the end of life care we took the children up to see him and it was the most amazing time, laughing, smiling, sharing old memories and lots and lots of cuddles. DH and I had already spoken about making that visit be the last one for the DC but has we left and one of DC said could that be the last time they go up to see him as he was so happy (he hadnt been like that for a while) and she wanted that as her last memory of him. We said to her of course and we want her to remember FIL happy.

Anyway the DC haven't been up any more, we have spoken to FIL and MIL about it and explained the impact on the children of seeing FIL suffering etc, they were both amazing and completely understood. FIL was understandably a bit upset because the DC are what keep him going, but as parents the well being of our children has to come first. (I sound selfish don't I, that my children come before a dieing man).

Anyway a family member has commented that she feels we have made the wrong decision, that he will now give up because he isn't seeing his Grandchildren and that we are basically making our DCs grieve before they need to. (Bare in mind, MIL, DH and I are the only ones who visit every other day, we all take it in turns, so he always has someone with him). It has been one of the hardest decisions to make but seeing your DC worried about visiting because they don't know how he will be when we visit. Our youngest DC even said what happens if Grandad dies when we are there? I just can't put my DC through it anymore, does that make me sound awful? This family member has been quite vocal on their thoughts, although rarely visits FIL and hasn't seen our DC since last Christmas, when we visited their house.

DH is struggling so much seeing his DF dieing and has been amazing in caring for him, this family member has now made him feel 10 times worse thinking us stopping the DCs going will kill him and that we are putting our children through the grieving stage to soon.

Maybe we are wrong, but I have to think of our DCs and the memories they have to live with.

Any thoughts would be great. We are just parents, in a very difficult and heartbreaking sitution, trying to deal with it the best we can.

(Sorry for the long post, it's been playing on my mind)

Nothing to do with anybody else. The other person is shifting blame to you for their grief.

I remember a mother being parted from her children forcan operation saying that she drew around her hand on a piece of paper and around the children's hands on another and then they swapped. Even though they weren't together, they could then put their hand on their mother's and vice versa. Might that work for you?

I think you should ask your children what they want to do and go from there. Just make sure you don’t ask them any leading questions ie we don’t think you should see your grandad what do you think? At the end of the day they will have memories of this time and it’s important they have no regrets. At that age I would have wanted to keep seeing my elderly relative - but that is me - they may feel different. You have had so many different replies from people being glad they only had good memories and other people wishing they had go regardless. So it’s no doubt this is a very personal thing. So just ask your children and ignore everyone else. Best wishes.

OP, you are in a terrible position and only you, your DH and your PIL should be involved in the discussion. The random relative has no say.

For what it is worth, I have lovely memories of myGranny towards the end of her life. I remember sitting cuddled up with her, feeding peanuts to the squirrels who came up to the verandah where her bed was, talking nonsense, I can still smell her lavender perfume too. It is only now that I am an adult that I realise that she was in a hospice, bedbound and had been taken out onto that verandah and only a couple of weeks from the end. I have a wonderful memory and when I tell it, it makes my parents happy too. My dad talks about her love for her grandchildren and how relieved she was that we didn’t see her in her final days.