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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed re: sympathy card.

79 replies

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 20:04

Very long long story but, I was really really good friends with a woman, ten years plus. I was her bridesmaid. She was a godmother to my child. We lived in each other pockets. Very very close. About three years ago we had a terrible falling out. I won't go into it but I ended the friendship and she made it clear I was not welcome to contact her, she blocked me on everything.
Fast forward to now.
I found out on the grapevine that her mother was terminally ill.
Her mother died yesterday I am very upset she was a great lady and I would not want to wish such an horrific thing on anyone.
I am not going to the funeral as I feel it would only upset my ex friend and I would not be well received.
My husband thinks I should go to pay my respects,I think it is more respectful to keep my distance as funeral's are for the living and not the dead.
He has dropped in a sympathy card signed by me this evening. I am very annoyed. He had no right to.
By the way DH had very little relationship with ex friend..only knew her through me etc.
Aibu to be annoyed with him! Do you think I should go to funeral?

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 22/12/2018 21:44

Whatever red you keep thinking that Confused

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 21:44

Am I the only one wondering what they fell out over???
It's not exciting, she bullied our mutual friend, said she wasn't fit to be a mother and used her mental illness as a stick to beat her with. I called her out and said it was an awful thing to do. She Caused a load more hassle and started a hate campaign against me.
I told her I wanted space she said she never wanted to speak to me again and cut off all ties.

There's loads more but that's the gist
I'm well shot to be honest. But I genuinely liked her mum.

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 22/12/2018 21:46

Yeah I WILL keep thinking that @evilspiritgin because your post was nasty.

If you have got nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all. Attacking the OP, and a poster giving advice.

Have you actually got anything helpful to add?! No, thought not. I think it's way past your bedtime! Wink

LIZS · 22/12/2018 21:46

Just leave it for now. He wrote it from the family, presumably from a misguided motive of sympathising on your behalf, rather than out if ill will. If it were the other way round would you be accepting of such a gesture? You don't have to go to the funeral of course, but if you really wish to pay your respects to her mother your friendship breakdown should not prevent you going along discreetly. Tbh I doubt she will notice either way.

Lalliella · 22/12/2018 21:52

Am I the only one wondering what they fell out over???

Yes

Umm no actually, I’m wondering too. Do tell, OP.

Thethiniceofanewday · 22/12/2018 21:52

I agree with you. Funerals are for the living. You can pay your respects without being physically present.

Lalliella · 22/12/2018 21:52

Oops sorry, iPad glitching, didn’t see update.

AuditAngel · 22/12/2018 21:55

I’m sorry that people fall out, sometimes 5here is drama, sometimes not. When my ex and I split (reasonably amicably) I lost my best friend. I still miss her almost 20 years later.

Clearly she felt staying friends with us both was too hard.

Thinking about her mum, maybe light a candle for her, will remember her for you. You don’t need the involvement of the exfriend to remember her mum.

i’m sorry for your loss.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/12/2018 21:56

What your husband did was bizarre, he should not have done anything in such a difficult situation without your say so.
I can only assume he had an affair with her, that would be the only explanation for him doing that to you.

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 21:59

can only assume he had an affair with her, that would be the only explanation for him doing that to you.Grin

Definitely not the case.. !

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 22:00

i’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you audit. She was a lovely lady and it was very drawn out in the end. I have been thinking of her a lot.

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 22/12/2018 22:07

I can only assume he had an affair with her

Oh fuckin hell, is there anything that doesn’t mean an affair on MN, where men are concerned?

OP, I don’t think it was the worst thing, him sending a card especially as he signed it from the family. If he put his name first, I reckon it will probably be clear he wrote it and just added you on ‘for the sake of it’.

Paddy1234 · 22/12/2018 22:16

This is about a lovely lady who has passed away

I tho k it is right a card has been sent as memories go back before your falling out

Your OH was correct.

Paddy1234 · 22/12/2018 22:17

#think

theLadyofShallnot · 22/12/2018 22:20

Years after a dreadful misunderstanding with someone which caused much fallouts, his mum died.

I sent a card. To me it felt right. I received and replied to a small flurry of texts and although things will never be better as such, he really appreciated the thought. We haven't been in touch since but he knew I was sorry for his loss. That mattered to him and it mattered to me.

Your situation is different obviously. If someone had sent a card or condolences without my knowledge I'd have been cross.

Remembering this lady and lighting a candle would be a lovely thing to do. I'm sorry for your loss too.

TemptressofWaikiki · 22/12/2018 22:25

@redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 the only one who does sound vile on this thread is you. Nasty!

OP. you do sound lovely and considerate. Your DH is a bit of a plonker for sending that card.

TheKitchenWitch · 22/12/2018 22:33

I agree that funerals are for the living - and to me that means anyone who had feelings for the deceased and wants to say their goodbyes. So personally if I felt I wanted to be there there then I’d go, but I know that’s not a popular view on here.
I think your DH’s actions were correct and it’s entirely appropriate to send a card from all of you.

moredoll · 22/12/2018 22:41

If you liked the mum go to the funeral and sit at the back. Funerals comfort the living, but they are also about paying your respects to the dead. There's no need for your ex-friend to see you.

Maybe your DH felt a card was the right way to go in terms of paying your respects, but I can see why you'd be annoyed.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 22/12/2018 22:41

@nofunkingworriesmate

I can only assume he had an affair with her, that would be the only explanation for him doing that to you.

Wow there has been some shit posted on here, but that takes the biscuit!

What an utterly ridiculous, pathetic thing to say.

There are a couple of awful posters on here. Being so vile to the OP. Shame on you. You're disgusting.

ILoveChristmasLights · 22/12/2018 22:48

He had NO right to do that, she was your friend, not his. I would be furious and he’d be under no illusion how disrespectful to me I found it. You’re not a child who needs their friendship managed. He’d be on the couch and curt replies until he ‘got’ it and understood if it happened again, it would deal breaker. Its not what he did exactly, though that’s bloody bad, it’s the fact that he totally disregarded what you wanted and did it anyway.

...on top of that, he did it after knowing what she did to your mutual friend and YOU. What a complete arse. He’d be on the couch until he truly understood how out of line he was a how much he has upset me.

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 22/12/2018 22:54

@kitchenwitch

I think your DH’s actions were correct and it’s entirely appropriate to send a card from all of you.

It wasn't his friend though.. at all she WAS my friend.
If it was his scenario than yeah go for it, but he took the decision from me...

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/12/2018 22:54

I would agree with your husband that the right thing to do would have been to send a card. However , if he didn't really have a relationship with either your friend, or her Mum, then it wasn't his place to make that call. His place was to suggest to you it was the right thing to do.
However, it is done now. Just leave it be. What he did came from a nice place, even though it not his place to make that decision for you.

dorisdog · 22/12/2018 23:03

Nope, he shouldn't have sent the card. It's infantalising. I'd be cross. Sorry for everything that's going on for you OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2018 23:15

Your DH was way out of line to have signed your name. If he'd wanted to send a card he could have done so and left your name off of it. Hopefully your ex-friend will realize it's not your handwriting. The best thing to do now is nothing. Don't send a note, don't do anything. Just let it lie.

My DH and his former BFF had a huge blow out last summer and are not speaking. Me and f-BFF's wife are also BFFs and continue our relationship despite our DH's spat. When I sent a Christmas card I asked DH if I was to include his name or not, and I abided by his wishes.

Daffodildainty · 23/12/2018 11:07

Actually I’d be inclined to go but to check if ok beforehand. Our family were estranged from another family who were great friends for many years following a dispute. When the son died tragically we got in touch ( to sound out the situation) and went to the funeral. 5 years on we play a really important part in one another’s lives especially as the parents get older. Similarly after a very challenging divorce (after being together > 20 years) I had v limited contact with my exH and his family. When his dad died this year I checked it was ok and went to the funeral. It was very emotional and healing for everyone. My ex MIL an H were really pleased I went (we live in different countries)

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