To be annoyed re: sympathy card.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Very long long story but, I was really really good friends with a woman, ten years plus. I was her bridesmaid. She was a godmother to my child. We lived in each other pockets. Very very close. About three years ago we had a terrible falling out. I won't go into it but I ended the friendship and she made it clear I was not welcome to contact her, she blocked me on everything.
Fast forward to now.
I found out on the grapevine that her mother was terminally ill.
Her mother died yesterday I am very upset she was a great lady and I would not want to wish such an horrific thing on anyone.
I am not going to the funeral as I feel it would only upset my ex friend and I would not be well received.
My husband thinks I should go to pay my respects,I think it is more respectful to keep my distance as funeral's are for the living and not the dead.
He has dropped in a sympathy card signed by me this evening. I am very annoyed. He had no right to.
By the way DH had very little relationship with ex friend..only knew her through me etc.
Aibu to be annoyed with him! Do you think I should go to funeral?

I'd leave it all be.
I think your husband just made a mistake, though it was an odd thing to do. It wasn't his place to do that and surely he would know it would be stirring?
Regarding the lady that died, could you say a prayer for her, or light a candle or plant a tree or something? I'd do that and then try to move on with it. Hopefully your ex friend will be supported enough.

She has plenty of support... I will just light a. Little candle for her over Christmas.
I personally only see funeral's as for the living. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful for the dead. He is more religious if say than he gets on.

I would be furious in your position, I wouldn't go to the funeral either. When my dad died there were a number of people I would have been angry to hear from or see at the funeral. You will just upset her at a time she is already upset.

@Cheeeeislifenow

Wow, I would have gone fucking mad.

OTT or not. How DARE he sign a card on your behalf and send it? Sorry but that is a majorly shitty controlling bastard thing to do.

My DH has form for this (Not often but occasionally!) Doing stuff because HE 'thinks is for the best...'

He also insists on sending Christmas cards to people we don't even like, we haven't spoke to for several years, and we unfriended on facebook in mid 2017, (and also people I have been trying to shake off for a year,) 'to show there is no animosity,' and 'to be the bigger person.' He ghosts people, and badmouths them, and then wants to send them a Christmas card!!!

I argued about how stupid it was, and how it sends mixed messages and messes with people minds etc... But he said 'I don't CARE. We are sending one!' So this year (when he suggested it,) I said 'OK, let's be the bigger person, let's send cards to

Then I wrote them out, and went off out to post them, and threw all 5 cards in the bin down the road.

Don't know what advice to give OP, but I would have gone BATSHIT. How dare he do that?

I think I would be very tempted to drop a note to said ex-friend and say 'sorry about your mother, but I did NOT send that card. A well meaning but interfering relative did it thinking they were doing me a favour. Look after yourself, and take care, but I won't be contacting you again or coming to the funeral.'

That's what I would do anyway.

You're absolutely right not to go to the funeral it would be an outrageous thing to do. I'd be so angry with DH that he felt you couldn't handle your own friendships particularly at such a sensitive time what on earth was he thinking?

Your husband has no right to make decisions on your behalf. If he wants to send his own condolence card in his own name ...fair enough but he should not be making these types of decisions for you.

I know others have said he was trying to do a nice thing ...but this type of thing infantalises you op. Other people don't have to feel comfortable with your decision on an issue like this and no-one has the right to act on your behalf.

Your husband is a right bloody busy body. He might not agree with your decision but he has no right to override it. Especially when it was a situation that had nothing to do with him.

I would be livid.

Even if it was appropriate to send a card, whether or not you did so was entirely your decision to make.

I think you were right not to send one as, whatever your falling out was about, it had the potential to upset your ex-friend further at an already sad and difficult time.

@Thesmallthings maybe you should read the OP , her husband suggested she should go to the funeral, which is what I was refering to when i said she shouldn't.

I would probably appreciated a card from my ex best friend when my mother suddenly died in quite traumatic circumstances. The fact that no acknowledgement was forthcoming, on the other hand, cemented the fact that I will never see her again.

But your husband is bang out of order. Does he have form for riding roughshod over you?

somebody turned up to mmy mums funeral who she hadnt spoke to in years after an argument

i wa slivid it was all about how they felt-shes lucky i didnt tell her to fuck off

your dh had no right to do that how is not sending a card disr4ecxtful to the dead

if she sees me in the street she turns the other way.

^Your ex friend is obviously still bitter about it al. Her receiving a card supposedly from you will have flamed the flames even more. Not good.

I can't believe your DH did that. Does he have form for thinking he knows best and going over your head?
He made someone's death all about his idea of what's right. I can't think of anything more unattractive.

I'd be furious, but it's done now so for the sake of a peaceful xmas I'd let it be...or try to. Hope your husband now realises it wasn't his place to send a card. Personally I'd appreciate a card.

You're right not to go to the funeral. It would absolutely be the wrong thing to do and I can't believe your DH thinks it would be appropriate.

As for the card, let it go. It's done.

Blimey what happened that she hates you so much she turns the other way?

Anyway do NOT go the funeral it would be a goady thing to do.
I would have sent a card simply as you liked her mum but your DH was completely wrong to do that on your behalf (did he actually falsely sign your name?? Surely she knows your handwriting?) and I would be apoplectic with rage at him for that.

I had a similar-ish situation some years ago. Massive falling out with friend but had been very close to her parents (mum and stepdad). Stepdad died and I heard through the grapevine (he was more than a stepdad, he was her dad, he was an amazingly lovely human who gave her and her sister a life they would never have had otherwise). I wrote a card of condolence to her mum because I thought it would be wrong of me to write to ex-friend. Card came back some weeks later ripped into tiny pieces. Her mum didn't do this obviously. It really upset me at the time but looking back, and now having lost a parent myself, it was probably justified. I just didn't want his death to go unacknowledged as he'd always been so kind and welcoming to me. However, I think I probably crossed a line. So difficult. Don't beat up DH too much, he probably had the same mindset

I really think ex friend probably will have better things to worry about than you, as for the idiot who thinks writing a note saying the card wasn’t from me was a good idea

So husband didn’t write card just from you then?? He wrote it from the family!! If This is all you are worried about you are fucking lucky, I got plenty of cards off people I couldn’t care less about when my DH died but you know what I was pleased that they thought enough of him to write a card and didn’t make it about myself like you are doing

I just didn't want his death to go unacknowledged as he'd always been so kind and welcoming to me. However, I think I probably crossed a line.

I don't think you did. I would have appreciated it. Unless you had done something absolutely terrible/criminal to your ex friend, her reaction was OTT.

as for the idiot who thinks writing a note saying the card wasn’t from me was a good idea

LOL, no, that is a horrendous idea.

Blimey, I thought funerals were an opportunity to let bygones be bygones.

Am I the only one wondering what they fell out over???

Am I the only one wondering what they fell out over???

Yes.

*I really think ex friend probably will have better things to worry about than you, as for the idiot who thinks writing a note saying the card wasn’t from me was a good idea

So husband didn’t write card just from you then?? He wrote it from the family!! If This is all you are worried about you are fucking lucky, I got plenty of cards off people I couldn’t care less about when my DH died but you know what I was pleased that they thought enough of him to write a card and didn’t make it about myself like you are doing*

I am sorry for your loss

How exactly am I making it about me? If anything I am doing the opposite I know that she would not like to hear from me. I do not want to speak or see her.
I am not friends with her but I do not wish to deliberately cause upset.
And as for your comment about "if this is all you have to worry about you're fucking lucky"
Excuse me? How dare you you literally no nothing about my life I Can tell you problems from my life that will make your toes curl..but I don't focus in them 24/7.

@evilspiritgin

as for the idiot who thinks writing a note saying the card wasn’t from me was a good idea!

So husband didn’t write card just from you then?? He wrote it from the family!! If This is all you are worried about you are fucking lucky, I got plenty of cards off people I couldn’t care less about when my DH died but you know what I was pleased that they thought enough of him to write a card and didn’t make it about myself like you are doing.

God you sound vile. What a horrible post. What is your problem?!

You sound like a very unhappy person. Maybe you need some friends, and maybe a hug from someone...... Or maybe you have been on the sauce???? And that's why you are posting nasty comments?

OP, YANBU at all. Your husband's behaviour is well out of order. I would be telling him if he ever does anything like that again, he would be looking for a new wife.