Or is life a bit shit for women?

[cosytidy]

90% of childcare falls to me
80% oh housework/family admin falls to me
90% of Christmas stuff falls to me
I earn less now than I did when I graduated so I can have a part time job
100% of bill paying falls to me
100% of financial planning falls to me

Am I right to feel like a mug & pissed off? Or do men struggle too?

To put into context my DH works 60hrs a week & earns double my salary. However he's also caused us to be in significant debt.

I know I'm lucky to have lovely healthy children & I adore them but fuck me life feels tough.

DH is by far the higher earner so it made sense for me to be the one who gave up my career. He’s out at work 8am - 8pm. I’m the one who’s at home so I end up doing childcare, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, and probably 80% of housework. And he’s a talented musician so he plays some gigs at weekends. I have no talent so I’m at home with DC.

This is not how I wanted my life to be. But I’m trapped because the cost of childcare would exceed my salary if I returned to work. The only work I can realistically do is low paid work that’s mind numbing and way beneath my qualifications. Because it fits flexibly around DC and they aren’t picky about you having been out of the workforce for a while. Real jobs don’t want you once you’ve been a SAHM.

I’m not saying I think DH should swap with me. I totally understand the logic of the lower earner being the one who gives up their life for childcare. And I understand that I have no talent so my free time is less valuable. I’m just miserable. I love my DC but they’ve taken absolutely everything else away from me.

the sharing yes, this is what I thought family life would be like.

When DH asked me what I'd like for Christmas I asked for a new mug.

I feel like one occasionally, although I've done my fair share of expressing my annoyance.

MilkyCuppa - how old are your children and what did you do with your talentless self before children? What would you like to be doing, given that you sound so incredibly discontented with what you are doing? Is money tight on just the one salary? Can you go nowhere interesting or do nothing interesting with your children? Do you not have any time or energy left over at the end of the day to think or do anything more interesting? Do you think you're a bit depressed, because what you typed sounds more deeply negative than average frustration!

Loving the posts from women who haven't had children yet, but are SO SURE things will be different for them. Hollow laugh.

For those who say "DH earns significantly more" have you ever thought of looking at childcare as a joint bill? I know "technically" it could mean you bring in less slightly overall as a family, but sometimes you need to see the bigger picture. I'm only saying this if you want to work, if you want to be a SAHM then great, but if you don't I don't see why it can't be seen as a joint expense/responsibility. When we had our kids I was a minimal earner, some months I brought in less than £200 working full time if you see childcare as my bill, but now my kids are in school I have worked up to a salary 3 times higher than it was (higher than my DH's currently actually) but more importantly for me a career I have enjoyed. SAHM parenting would never have been more me, working wasn't the short term financially sensible decision but worked for other reasons in the short term and then in the long term has made the most financial sense.

It definitely sounds shit for you, because you have a selfish and useless husband

Life isn’t shit for me :-)

But I haven’t lumbered myself with a crappy husband and unequal home life.

@GeorgeTheHippo good for them, setting themselves standards. I was exactly the same and sure enough have got the relationship and family life I expect. Nothing wrong with setting your expectations from the get go, I think half the problem is people growing up with parents who live like the OP and assume that's "normal" that's why the cycle needs breaking (sure enough mine and my DH's upbringing was pretty modern and balanced considering the earlier era).

In my house my DH does about 80% of the housework and house admin.. As he should as he doesn't work and I do.

But if we both worked, no way would I do more than half.
We teach people how to treat us. Remember that, OP.

It might be shit for you but it isn't for me. I think I'm incredibly lucky to have had the opportunities my mum never had.

It’s not rocket science.

If you work pt and your dh ft then of course you should do the majority of the domestic work and childcare. What else are you going to do, sit around watching Tricia only for him to race home after a ten hour day and do everything?
If you both worked ft then absolutely the split should be shared equally.
It’s about equal distribution of chores, not gender.
My life is similar to yours op in that I work pt, but my dcs are school age. I can tell you that despite being the one to single-handed my manage pretty much everything I still get more down-time than dh during the week. But even when they were pre-school, managing them and managing the house was my ‘job’.
I do appreciate that you’re feeling exhausted op because I get overwhelmed too, it’s the mental load that I resent, rather than the physical. But I’d still choose this over us both working ft and things being evenly split.

THIS is what we should be thinking about before marrying and before seeing our daughters married - not "is he my soul mate?" but "does he really believe in equality and is he capable of doing the work?" I thought we would be fine, but as others have said, kids change the dynamics. My husband earns more than me which changes the balance of power. You need someone who really believes in equality to override that and it is not easy.

Sorry your situation sounds tough OP.

Don't think it's down to being a woman unless your DH expects you to do all that you do because you're a woman.

I'm in a same sex relationship so we don't have these gender debates. We both do our fair share and it's nothing to do with being a woman - more about wanting a good life and fairness.

I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM. But 100% of the housework, childcare, life admin, Christmas planning (including buying my own presents) falls to me. I feel so conflicted because I'm in such a privileged position to be able to stay home and afford things comfortably but I also feel a bit underappreciated sometimes. It's hard right now because I'm heavily pregnant too. I can't even imagine having to do all of this while also working so I have so much respect for anyone that is doing it all. If you're working, things should be more equal. Definitely.

Not all women. I didn't have children with my ex because I knew this is how my life would end up.

Both me and DH work full time and have progressed in our careers since having DS. We can only do they because we both take responsibility for childcare and household responsibilities.

However, your story is not uncommon - unfortunately.

Don't think it's down to being a woman unless your DH expects you to do all that you do because you're a woman

I doubt many men would articulate in this way. What tends to happen is the woman may be SAHM/less earnings because of part time/women's work, so it is about being woman, but is expressed in terms of earning power.

echt and that earning power is a result of generations of socialisation and social constructs.

Yes to the previous poster who says childcare costs should be seen as a joint cost. The overall household income may drop slightly but will often work out better in the long run.

This isn't about being a woman. This is about learning to stand up for yourself.

DP and I aren't married so I refuse to drop down my hours. We both work full time. I earn slightly more.

He does all the pick ups and drop offs as he works locally.
If DS is ill and can't go to nursery, we take it in turns
I do most of the cooking but we split the cleaning 50/50
We don't have joint finances but we update each other on the incomings and outgoings, and plan our budget together. We know how much we each have in debt, including accrued before we even met.
We plan and do the weekly food shop together.

I wouldn't accept anything less, and neither should anyone else.

@echt good point but when you have a two woman relationship it's not woman's work it's just work!

Hopeful that one day parents can act as parents rather than their stereotypical gender mum/dad roles

Hmm. DW has always been the higher earner with less flexible hours (nurse and HGV driver), so it's my job to do food shopping, cookery, utilities and admin, and most of the laundry. Ironing is down to the individual.

The really shit bit for women is not being able to walk about at night without fear.

It's all in the mind, what is enjoyable and fulfilling and what isn't; and what is worth appreciating and what isn't.

I find it profoundly depressing how many women still think that childcare is not a joint responsibility, and that if one salary can’t cover it then what’s the point in earning that salary.

Almost as depressing as the number of men that think the same way.

For those who say "DH earns significantly more" have you ever thought of looking at childcare as a joint bill?

@UserMe18 I never understand why people say this?

For example: DH earns £50k, I earn £18k. Childcare costs £20k.

Scenario 1: I pay it all. We have £48k left.

Scenario 2: We pay half each. We have £48k left.

Scenario 3: I SAHM. We have £50k left.

Regardless of who pays it, childcare still costs more than my income and we as a couple are better off if I don’t work. It’s irrelevant if I pay it all or if we pay half each - the outcome is the same!

echt and that earning power is a result of generations of socialisation and social constructs

You think I don't know that?

Nevertheless, MilkyCuppa, the argument goes that if you carry on working, even if paying £2k a year for the privilege, you retain your employability and with increasing experience get an increasing salary - meaning that in the long term, you make considerably more money staying in work than you lost in the short term by paying nursery fees. Especially if you really believe that having given up work to be a SAHM, you will only be able to find soul destroying, minimum wage, work when you return to the workplace.