Or is life a bit shit for women?

[cosytidy]

90% of childcare falls to me
80% oh housework/family admin falls to me
90% of Christmas stuff falls to me
I earn less now than I did when I graduated so I can have a part time job
100% of bill paying falls to me
100% of financial planning falls to me

Am I right to feel like a mug & pissed off? Or do men struggle too?

To put into context my DH works 60hrs a week & earns double my salary. However he's also caused us to be in significant debt.

I know I'm lucky to have lovely healthy children & I adore them but fuck me life feels tough.

YABU I'm very happy with my life - dh and I both work FT on pretty equal salaries ds(13) and dd(9). We've been married for 22 yrs and have pretty much shared everything from day 1 - why put up with anything different?

My life sounds pretty similar in terms of sharing household tasks.
I work part time, DH works around 60 hours a week (teacher) but has plenty of time off in the holidays.
He earns twice what I do.
I don't feel taken for granted at all! I meet friends in the day if I want to, go to the gym and take myself off to national trust places as and when I feel like it.
If I chose to go FT tomorrow he wouldn't have an issue with that, we would get a cleaner I guess.
When he is on holiday he takes on the running of the house.
In your position I would:
Lower my standards, I dont iron everything.
Get a social life, with or without him. You shouldn't be sitting in every night babysitting! Bugger that!
Cut back on Christmas next year, its just a roast and a few presents for the kids in our house.
How bad is the financial mess? he needs to shoulder some of the burden of this and start acting responsibly, until the mess is sorted he should reign in the socialising if that is expensive.

Why do it all, though? Why not just divide labour and income equally and never deviate from your share unless partner is ill or needs help through a tough time? People can only take advantage if we let them.

Well, culturally and traditionally, yy life is a bit shit for women. But you seem to have fallen into traditional roles - which is easy to do but there's no need to maintain them. It's not the 1950's. We have choices and options.
I sleepwalked into a similar division but when I realised, I stopped. Now, our split is probably 50/50 housework. It's always been 50/50 financial planning and bill paying. I do majority of family admin. DH does the majority of family driving/chauffeuring.
You mention your DH put you both into debt. I think your problems lie with your relationship, not just with the patriarchy.

Single mum here and love my life, I don’t feel hard done by, it is what it is.

I didn’t enjoy married life because my ex was controlling when it came to money (and everything else really), I chose to leave and go it alone with my 2 dd’s. I now have a good job and a good social life. I do nt feel any worse off for being a woman.

Single parent here

All your stats you list are 100% in my case

And I bloody love being a woman

YABU
I think life is def sounds shit for you... but not for all women.

Do you like/love your husband? Have you spoken to him about this?

I think you need to look at how you can address this and improve your situation because it doesn’t sound great

Women do definitely face disadvantages in life, but most of what you have described is the result of your personal choices. Do something about them.

I do 100% of everything because I'm single. Can't say that I'm thinking life is shit. It's actually looking up.
Talk to DH. (And if he's got you into debt it's probably a good thing you do all the financial planning!)

I think its less to do with the fact that you are a woman and probably more to do with the stage you are at in your life.
If you are doing lots of childcare I assume your children are quite young and you probably have a big mortgage?
It does get easier as the children get older they need less physical looking after, and hopefully any mortgage reduces.

Just think it can be a really hard time and as someone else said often feels like groundhog day.

When I meant bill paying, we put our earnings into 1 pot but I make sure all bills are paid etc. I understand that doesn't sound that bad but included in that I mean renewing insurances, utilities etc. Plus checking bills have been paid/we have enough in account to pay. Plus never ending communication with the 2 different childcare's we have.
For those who don't have kids: we were prob 50:50 split then! Since having kids my responsibilities have ramped up.
I've no doubt this is my doing to a certain extent. But at the same time I feel men are very good at shirking their responsibilities, and waiting til they're asked to do something. Hence the mental load 🤯

And some things I have to do all of cos of his poor financial outlook!

Thank you for those who have empathised. My kids are preschool age, but sadly when they go to school I'll have to go full time due to finances so I won't reap the reward then.
I do have a social life but the reality is there's not much room for slack in my week days to do anything for myself.
And I def don't have high standards re housework! No ironing unless necessary etc

I think the mental load is higher for many women.

My husband does not organise much for xmas, meals, kids clothes etc etc.

I am a SAHP however I never thought all if this would be mine to deal with

I have colluded in my own oppression & he remains 'willingly' inept

It always strikes me on Mumsnet on similar threads how many single mothers post that they are happy, satisfied, fulfilled.

A working single mother. Doing everything. Busy busy busy. But damn I feel powerful, in control and.... bloody happy

Your husband works 60 hours a week and you are complaining!.
So he should come home and then start cooking and cleaning, unbelievable.
I know which option I would settle for.

I never gave up FT work. We both pull our weight. Wasn't going to put up with anything less and if he's shown himself a twat after the first was born then I wouldn't have gone on to have a second with him. We are adults and he doesn't expect to check out of the rest of life because he works. Anyone who 'got us into significant debt' would be an ex-h before he got a chance to do it unless he went behind my back and then he'd definitely be an ex.

Sounds like you have a shit husband.

That sounds really shit for you, it's not my experience, you need to be more forthright as to how you want to live your life. It's really important you break out of this cycle, not just for you but because history will repeat itself with your children- if you have a boy they could expect it from women, if you have a daughter she could expect to have to live like you. Live the life you want to live.

Only if you allow yourself to be a doormat , we are not all like that !

Life is what you make of it. My life isn't shit because I don't want it to be.

Yabu - you don't have to do what you are doing just because you are a woman (or indeed at all). You can and could make other choices. I tend to do what I'm willing to do, dh tends to do what he is willing to do, and between us, everything gets done one way or the other. If you don't like traditional roles, then try to sort something else out. Also, don't force your standards and expectations on others if you expect mutual respect, help and support - compromise on both sides is necessary when you live with others.

Tbh, it sounds to me like you are stuck as you are because you don't actually trust your dh to do the stuff you are doing (you imply he's bad with money, for example). Not all men are that untrustworthy!

I was a WOHM with a DH who believed in sharing the load. We pulled in tandem and valued each other's contributions to the family. No, my life wasn't shit.

My DSis was a SAHM who did the lion's share of home-life work. She valued her DH's hard work and long hours which enabled her to stay home, her DH valued her hard work in the home which enabled him to further his career. No her life wasn't shit.

It's about appreciation and sharing. If your DH isn't meeting your (reasonable) needs, then you need to deal with that. Not just assume that we are all getting the shitty end of the stick.

Your husband is shit. We divide everything 50/50 (but sometimes 70/30 in my favour as I have the more demanding job) but then both of us work f/t so I think this makes sense.

I just refuse to fall into this type of stereotypical trap.

We both work part time (albeit in well paying roles) we both look after the children, both deal with it when they are ill, both do housework.

He does more cooking than me and I do more laundry than him but thats pretty much the only things that aren't 50/50.

I watched my Mum essentially be a slave for my dad growing up and I simply will not live like that. I will teach my children the same.

Agree with others that OP could do things differently. For years I did most the household management & now my husband does hugely more around the house (now he works PT). I think 50:50 is much harder to achieve than just letting one person take charge for phases.

DH LIKES taking charge while I would happily live in a grungy messy hovel.

I keep a list for birthdays & Xmas but have no enthusiasm for either so only do a minimum; DH only manages gifts for his relatives.

Bill paying & Fin management: DH does much more than me & always has done, he's more interested. I am naturally frugal but still find comparison shopping very tedious.