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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is life a bit shit for women?

142 replies

cosytidy · 22/12/2018 15:12

90% of childcare falls to me
80% oh housework/family admin falls to me
90% of Christmas stuff falls to me
I earn less now than I did when I graduated so I can have a part time job
100% of bill paying falls to me
100% of financial planning falls to me

Am I right to feel like a mug & pissed off? Or do men struggle too?

To put into context my DH works 60hrs a week & earns double my salary. However he's also caused us to be in significant debt.

I know I'm lucky to have lovely healthy children & I adore them but fuck me life feels tough.

OP posts:
Santasushi · 22/12/2018 17:01

I feel men are very good at shirking their responsibilities, and waiting til they're asked to do something.

Only if you let him. Again, not all men.

TheBigBangRocks · 22/12/2018 17:02

Only if you make poor choices. Men and women have the same education, its the decisions and life choices they make after that determine their adult life.

I'd not settle for a partner who didn't pull their weight or share everything 50/50.

Desmondo2016 · 22/12/2018 17:04

Honestly? Life's what you, and the people around you, make it. Nothing to do with being a woman.

Singlenotsingle · 22/12/2018 17:13

Life for this woman is good. I bring in more in pensions than dp earns so he hands his contribution over to me to deal with. All the bills go out on direct debit so we don't have to worry about missed payments. If we go on holiday I decide where and I organize it. That suits me. I do most of the shopping and housework because I'm at home and he's not. He does the decorating and the garden. Everybody's happy.

blue25 · 22/12/2018 17:30

I don't understand why any woman would put up with this. My life looks nothing like yours and I would never let it. You are in control of your own life. So many martyrs around!

Riverside410 · 22/12/2018 18:52

Yes it is even post talking about it and going to relationship counselling
I’m not sure why I’m still here to be honest.
I suppose it’s marginally better than being on my own for me and dc.
Hugs to you OP. xx

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2018 19:02

Well, yes, life in our society is shitter for women than men. I am a feminist because I would like this to change.

However, what you describe is nothing like my personal relationship. Do does half the childcare and half the housework, all finances are shared (we both work but compress our hours to fit around the dc). It is an option.

KonekoBasu · 22/12/2018 19:20

I remember letters to problem pages when I was younger from widows who didn't have a clue how to pay bills etc because their husbands had always done all that.

Well if anything happens to me DH will be in a similar situation, though I do try and involve him and I've told him where the paperwork is, passwords etc. If he starts anything like that I usually end up taking over because if there's chasing up to do he struggles because of his working hours and not being allowed to have his phone on him in work, while my work is quite relaxed about doing that sort of thing in work hours.

It does get stressful when it all falls to me though. He's not great at housework either, again, working hours don't help, and if he's home when DS is home I'd prefer us to spend time as a family.

M1dnightMadnesss · 22/12/2018 20:16

I don't have any current issues with my life. If I did, I would do something to rectify the problem. I've lived on my own or with a partner, so I know that I'm capable of most things or I can source in help that I need. I agree that we all make choices.

Helix1244 · 22/12/2018 20:17

Yanbu i agree, it starts when you have kids.
However neither of us do any bill payments everything is on DD.
I only thing i do is payments for school or nursery.
I think it's the school stuff that's worst though. Dress down, take xyz in, shows and trips, clubs.
It is largely to do with the other person forgetting though.
If you both work ft you would have to share more things. Imo working can be easier than the endless dishwasher and cleaning

WilburforceRaven · 22/12/2018 20:37

Yanbu i agree, it starts when you have kids.

A lot of times, it starts when you have kids and feel guilty about your paid mat leave and start becoming a skivvy and then don't go back to FT work and the other party starts to take the piss.

eefa658 · 22/12/2018 20:39

Sounds like your DH is a bit shit, and it might get a bit better for you if he starts being less so. Sending Flowers

KatharinaRosalie · 22/12/2018 20:55

starts when you allow it to and if your OH is happy to take advantage.

Original poster
cosytidy · 22/12/2018 21:40

For this who think I've made a choice: I get it but I have tried. We've had a few conversations where I say I'm overwhelmed, he acknowledges he should do more, he does more for a bit then it slips back. So basically he knows he's a piss taker-this leaves me with the choice of leaving him & breaking up my family (& leaving a man I love) or staying & doing my best to get a balance. Things are easier when they're black & white, more difficult when they're shades of grey.

you both work ft you would have to share more things. Imo working can be easier than the endless dishwasher and cleaning

This!☝🏼 my DH doesn't have to work so many hours, he doesn't get paid extra for it. Plus if anyone thinks my days are shorter cos I work in my paid job less hours...we'll that's the funniest thing I've heard for while

OP posts:
UserMe18 · 22/12/2018 21:44

@cosytidy

It kind of is that black and white though, you love him, but he's not showing you much love? He slips back because he can get away with it and doesn't respect you enough to want to make you happy. That's not love. You reap what you sow.

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2018 21:53

But what is it your dh does and then stops doing, cosytidy? Is it really more effort to do it for him than to point out he hasn't done it, yet?

roundaboutthetown · 22/12/2018 21:57

Ps isn't saying you're overwhelmed and need more help like saying you know it's your job, but you're finding it too much at the moment and need a bit of help for a while until you're feeling better? Can't you have a conversation where he agrees that some of it is actually his job to do?

fullforce · 22/12/2018 22:06

You’re not the only one OP. I’ve done everything since I was 17 years old. I’m used to it now but I’ve done enough good that I deserve someone to look after me for a change! Even as a child I was basically parenting my DM and raising myself. Sad but you learn to get by

Grace212 · 22/12/2018 22:13

OP "my DH doesn't have to work so many hours, he doesn't get paid extra for it."

he works those hours when he doesn't have to? something else afoot here. Hangs around at work to avoid domestic duties?

RDR2 · 23/12/2018 00:54

Without her husband working 60 hours a week, she'd be a single mother in a LA rental throwing the futures of her children under a bus.

No wonder so many men are avoiding marriage like the plague these days.

WilburforceRaven · 23/12/2018 01:10

^Without her husband working 60 hours a week, she'd be a single mother in a LA rental throwing the futures of her children under a bus.

No wonder so many men are avoiding marriage like the plague these days.^

Bullshit! He got them into significant debt and she cut back her hours to enable him. Without some millstone who gets you into debt masquerading as a spouse you keep working FT, supporting yourself and can plan to have a child on your own if you so desire without a person who believes your role in life is to enable him to indulge himself at both your expense and that of children and that working is a Get Out of Life Free pass.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 01:15

No wonder so many men are avoiding marriage like the plague these days.

Yeah all that living-significantly-longer really sucks for men. They are also likely to be annoyingly happier, healthier and earn more if they marry. Poor fucking bastards. Why do they put up with it?

Mrskeats · 23/12/2018 01:16

Yabu. Not for this woman. My husband probably does more than me even though he has a high pressure, well paid, high earning job.
I can’t stop him pottering about doing stuff.
It’s who you marry really.

citychick · 23/12/2018 03:01

things are easier when it's black and white, not so easy when it's grey

Many of the men we have married/ live with grew up with a "traditional" household. Dad working outside the home and mum running the home.

So it comes as quite a shock to some men that domestic chores need to be done by both men and women if both work outside.

But they love the fact that the financial pressure is off to provide for the whole family.

My DH is like this. Delighted I have my own money. Hates domestic chores. Cannot understand why I get so very frustrated and downright pissed off when home stuff starts to pile up.

He too has become wilfully inept.
I really thought I'd married a helpful man. >

echt · 23/12/2018 04:55

My late DH earned significantly more than me, and in a higher status job. He always said my job was way harder than his. We both worked full-time, with me going back to work when DD was seven months old. DH did all the financial planning, cooking, the big food shops, most DIY, though I helped a lot. I did the cleaning, though the house was never dirty/untidy, laundry and ironing, though not his shirts. Gardening was shared. All decisions about housing/ money/holidays always shared.

Looking back, what stands out is the sharing. He was a good man.

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