To think the birthday meal should have been cancelled (family death)

[halseyismyname123]

Yesterday was my DN's 7th birthday. Dsis1 was holding a family meal at a local Indian restaurant and Dsis2 got the coach down from where she lives 5 hours away the day before to be here for the meal. She has a DH but he has custody of his 3 DGD as his DD (Dsis2's DSD) is an addict who lives alone. It was his DD's day for contact so he stayed home with the DC.

Me, DH, and teen DC had just gotten into the car to head to the meal when I recieved a call from a crying Dsis1. She said that Dsis2's DSD hadn't turned up for contact so her DH drove round to her house only to find the poor girl dead in the living room when he looked through the window. I automatically assumed the meal had been cancelled and offered to come round to Dsis1's house (where Dsis2 was staying) to for moral support and to offer to drive Dsis2 back to her house to be with her DH. Dsis1 said no, that her DD deserved to have a birthday and normality and that Dsis2 needed a distraction. I didn't say it out loud, but I was thinking "Yeah I'm sure a chicken korma will distract from the fact that her DSD has just been found dead". Dsis1 has always been overbearing and Dsis2 is very quiet and go with the flow so it was obvious to me thst Dsis1 wanted to go for the meal anyway and Dsis2 didn't want to just say no.

So we get to the meal a bit later than everyone else (DH had forgot to take his medication before we left and we had to rush home halfway there) and everyone is chatting casually and normally as if a young woman hadn't just died. Dsis1 had told everyone to be like this for her DD's sake. Poor Dsis2 is sat at the end of the table staring into space. We carry on like this until Dsis2 gets a call from her hysterical husband saying his DGC's social worker has decided to place them into foster care. He is saying that he needs her hear. When Dsis2 gets off the phone she tells us this and I say that I can drive her back now. Dsis1 is against this and says it would be better to get the meal out of the way and then Dsis2 can stay at hers for the night and get the coach back home in the morning as planned. She also insists that her DD would be upset if me and Dsis2 left early.

I gott quite annoyed and said something along the lines of "With all due respect Dsis1, Dsis2 has just suddenly lost her DSD and I think her husband and DGC in crisis need to take priority here." Dsis1 had a right go at me and me and Dsis2 end up leaving. Dh and our DC's stay at the meal and get a lift home later. I drive Dsis2 home and sit with her and her DH for a while until the social worker turns up and hints at me to go. I don't get gome to the early hours and go straight to bed.

I have woken up this morning and Dsis1 has sent me a barrage of texts saying how I ruined her DD's birthday and that I should have kept the normality. I have tried to defend myself saying that Dsis2 clearly just wanted to go home but didn't want to say because Dsis1 is so loud and opinionated and I felt I needed to take the initiative and get her home to her poor DH. I then went on to say that it was insenstive of her to proceed with the meal anyway and ban any talk of our step-niece but she said it had been for the best and has now blocked me on any social media. Maybe this is the wrong place to post but I am furious with her and her selfish attitude. I do feel sad for my DN over her birthday but at the end of the day other events unfolded that had to take priority, surely?

If your sister had wanted to go back to her husband that would have been reasonable and probably sensible.

However I wouldn’t have cancelled the whole meal for a 7 year old personally. It is still her birthday

Yes she will have other birthdays thankfully. What an idiot your sis 1 is

Sis1 was entirely unreasonable in expecting sis2 to attend the meal. She was also unreasonable to send you those messages. She sounds extremely selfish.

Your dsis1 is a cow imo. The first thing she should have done was ask dsis2 what she wanted to do and told her it was absolutely fine to leave. Her husband had child found his child dead ffs.

She could have continued with her daughters birthday meal if she wanted, but she was bang out of order putting pressure on your other sister to stay.

What on Earth? I wouldn’t have expected your sister to stay, I would have probably taken her home and let everyone else get on with celebrating your nieces birthday. She’s 7, the dinner could have been changed to another time or her immediate family taken her out for dinner. Your poor sister, I couldn’t have sat there in those circumstances.

Fine to carry on with the meal, but sister2 shouldn’t have gone to it.

Yoyr sis 1 is a fool. Of course your sis 2 needed to go and I am sure it wouldn't upset your niece with her parents and cousins there.

At the end of the day a man who lost his daughter and children who lost their Mom is more important than a birthday tea.

The meal should have gone ahead without Dsis2. A 7 year old doesn't need to be burdened with an adult situation but that doesn't mean that everyone just pretends nothing happened. However Dsis2 needs to start advocating for herself to stop you getting stuck in the middle.

I don’t think the meal should have been cancelled. It wouldn’t have been fair on the 7yo .. but.. your elder sister sounds overbearing and controlling and could have shown more compassion towards her sister. I’m sure the meal could have carried on without you and your other sister while you took her home as understandably she would want to be with her husband whose daughter has just died.

Having now had a few tragedies in my life I say with complete certainty that death and tragedy brings out the utter worst in many, many people.

I’m so sorry.

I think she was quite right in not cancelling the meal. She was very unfair though in not supporting your other sisters decision to go home.

In my my opinion you did the right thing. As a pp said there will be other birthdays. for you.

Who takes a 7 years out for a birthday meal at a curry house!

Aside from that weirdness, your sis1 was being a total cunt and continuing to be

Well done for helping your DSis2.

Yanbu. I hope that the grandchildren got out of foster care. I can't understand why they went in in the first place if their grandfather has custody.

Op you did the right thing

It sounds like your dsis2 is the idiot here. If my dsd had just died nothing could have kept me away from going back to my dp. You can’t expect dsis1 to cancel a meal for a child that last minute.

FestiveNut the grandchildren have just gone back to my DSis and BIL as of about an hour ago. I think it was just a temporary placement while the social worker dealt with their mum's death and made sure that my BIL was in a fit state to care for them after such a shock. They've had a SW for years prior to this

Your sister should just have said to her DD that her auntie was very sorry, but something had happened which meant she couldn't come to the birthday meal. And in the meantime, make sure that her DSis was given as much support as possible in the background to help her and her DH deal with this horrible tragedy.

Personally, just reading about what has happened has made me lose my appetite, so I don't know how she could possibly expect those adults most involved to eat a meal and pretend everything was ok.

I think it was fine to carry on with the meal, but understand that your sister needed to be with her husband.

If my child had been found dead (god forbid) there's not a chance I'd be happy with my partner going to a birthday party whilst my life was falling apart.

With the greatest respect to the deceased, I'm guessing from what you've described that she wasn't part of your nieces life? While I don't think the child's birthday needed to be cancelled I do agree that your other dsis, the stepmother, shouldn't have been expected to attend.

I'm not sure why she did tbh, nor why you also attended when you (quite rightly) would have preferred to support and comfort your other sister. Maybe the stepmom sister was in too much shock to put her foot down but I don't get why you gave in to dsis1 frankly ridiculous insistence that everyone prioritise a 7 year olds birthday party in these circumstances .

So yes, dsis1sounds like a psycho was extremely insensitive but you all went along with it way past the point you should have put the foot down. She sounds quite forceful and I'm wondering if there's a tendency in the family to give in to her?

What a terribly sad situation.

You did the right thing. Do not feel bad. DS1 was out of order and I would just ignore her for now and offer support to DS2, your BIL and their GC who have just lost their mother RIP

Agree that the meal going ahead was understandable but that sister2 should have been able to go home and not attend as soon as she was told about the death.

I think what would have made sense is for your Dsis1 to agree that it was best if you drove your Dsis2 home and then if they’d wanted to continue with the meal for their DDs sake then fair enough.
It was incredibly selfish to expect your Dsis2 to sit and pretend to be ok during a meal when she must have just wanted to be with her DH and his grandchildren who’d just lost their mum.

Sister 1 sounds very overbearing but it’s quite strange that sister 2 didn’t just leave or call you to give her a lift given sister 1 was being a bint. I can’t imagine just heading down to a curry house for a party after having a bereavement, particularly given the difficult circumstances. Sister 1 sounds like an idiot if she is sending you all those messages. In my view you absolutely prioritised the right person.

It wouldn't have been right to cancel a 7 year old's birthday party. But DSis1 behaved very badly towards you and DSis2 in expecting you to behave as if nothing had happened. DSis2 clearly needed to be with her DH, who had just lost his DD.

I'm so sorry for your loss.