To think the birthday meal should have been cancelled (family death)

[halseyismyname123]

Yesterday was my DN's 7th birthday. Dsis1 was holding a family meal at a local Indian restaurant and Dsis2 got the coach down from where she lives 5 hours away the day before to be here for the meal. She has a DH but he has custody of his 3 DGD as his DD (Dsis2's DSD) is an addict who lives alone. It was his DD's day for contact so he stayed home with the DC.

Me, DH, and teen DC had just gotten into the car to head to the meal when I recieved a call from a crying Dsis1. She said that Dsis2's DSD hadn't turned up for contact so her DH drove round to her house only to find the poor girl dead in the living room when he looked through the window. I automatically assumed the meal had been cancelled and offered to come round to Dsis1's house (where Dsis2 was staying) to for moral support and to offer to drive Dsis2 back to her house to be with her DH. Dsis1 said no, that her DD deserved to have a birthday and normality and that Dsis2 needed a distraction. I didn't say it out loud, but I was thinking "Yeah I'm sure a chicken korma will distract from the fact that her DSD has just been found dead". Dsis1 has always been overbearing and Dsis2 is very quiet and go with the flow so it was obvious to me thst Dsis1 wanted to go for the meal anyway and Dsis2 didn't want to just say no.

So we get to the meal a bit later than everyone else (DH had forgot to take his medication before we left and we had to rush home halfway there) and everyone is chatting casually and normally as if a young woman hadn't just died. Dsis1 had told everyone to be like this for her DD's sake. Poor Dsis2 is sat at the end of the table staring into space. We carry on like this until Dsis2 gets a call from her hysterical husband saying his DGC's social worker has decided to place them into foster care. He is saying that he needs her hear. When Dsis2 gets off the phone she tells us this and I say that I can drive her back now. Dsis1 is against this and says it would be better to get the meal out of the way and then Dsis2 can stay at hers for the night and get the coach back home in the morning as planned. She also insists that her DD would be upset if me and Dsis2 left early.

I gott quite annoyed and said something along the lines of "With all due respect Dsis1, Dsis2 has just suddenly lost her DSD and I think her husband and DGC in crisis need to take priority here." Dsis1 had a right go at me and me and Dsis2 end up leaving. Dh and our DC's stay at the meal and get a lift home later. I drive Dsis2 home and sit with her and her DH for a while until the social worker turns up and hints at me to go. I don't get gome to the early hours and go straight to bed.

I have woken up this morning and Dsis1 has sent me a barrage of texts saying how I ruined her DD's birthday and that I should have kept the normality. I have tried to defend myself saying that Dsis2 clearly just wanted to go home but didn't want to say because Dsis1 is so loud and opinionated and I felt I needed to take the initiative and get her home to her poor DH. I then went on to say that it was insenstive of her to proceed with the meal anyway and ban any talk of our step-niece but she said it had been for the best and has now blocked me on any social media. Maybe this is the wrong place to post but I am furious with her and her selfish attitude. I do feel sad for my DN over her birthday but at the end of the day other events unfolded that had to take priority, surely?

It's really hard to say what you'd do when you're in shock. Sis2 would have been the most in shock. Perhaps in the general disbelief, shock and upset Sis1 felt that someone needed to take charge. Something like this does cause a state of confusion in everyone particularly in this case sis2, and taking some time to calm down and think may have helped.

Having experienced unexpected deaths of both close family and of an in-law I can see how sis1 might have thought she was helping by trying to keep things normal awaiting further information and until concrete plans could be made.

Reading this back, it sounds a bit heartless, but you honestly don't realise how dazed you are when something like this happens, and it's better to take a little time to think. And yes, do something normal for an hour, especially when surrounded by your own family. When all's said and done, I really wouldn't want to fall out over it. I expect there will be plenty who disagree with me, but we're all different.
And to a pp who asked who would take a 7 year old to a curry house for her birthday, me, I would because it's a favourite place of hers.

So sorry for the loss of your step-niece. No matter her troubles or the cause of her death, she was still a person who was deserving of love and compassion.

It was fine that the party went on, and you did the right thing in taking her home and staying to be sure they were all right.

Your DSis1 is a bitch. I assume DSis2 is a 'peacemaker' and didn't want to upset DSis1's apple cart. That is just so sad. I hope when the dust dies down from this that you can convince DSis2 to stand up for herself in the future.

Your sis1 is an absolutely dick. Your poor sis2 probably just went along with it because she was in a state of shock. The text messages - that's disgusting. She sounds pathetically self-centred and honestly abusive. What a nightmare.

It’s sad that dsis 1 has been so unreasonable because obviously if someone is willing to travel for hours in a coach to attend a child’s birthday curry your sisters have obviously had a very good relationship prior to this event . The meal should have gone ahead with local family and you were correct in taking dsis 2 home , dsis 1 needs to take a good long look at her behaviour .

Agree with everyone that it was fine to proceed with the party.

Your other sister does sound like a bit of a pushover - her place was with her husband who had just lost his child and his grandchildren who had just lost their mother. Not at a stupid birthday party. She ought to have left under own steam.

As for the mother of the birthday girl, would it really be such a loss to you not to have such a controlling, irrational, insensitive mare in your lives?

Your dsis2 should absolutely not have had to sit through the meal. IMO the meal should've been cancelled or immediate family only. While it's nice to give a kid a happy birthday and shield them somewhat from tragedy, it's not a great to teach them they're centre of the universe.

Even without a bereavement, I think it's bloody weird to travel 5 hours to a 7 year old niece's birthday curry. Who does that? Surely a kid that age has a party with their friends.

I think it was fine to have the meal and to ban any talk about your step-neice's death at the meal. It was a 7-yr-old's birthday party which isn't the time or place for those conversations.
I think your irritation with DSIS1 made you forget that the dinner was for a 7-yr-old. I'm sure you and DSIS2 could have left quietly and updated DSIS1 later. It's unlikely she would have chased down the street after you both to find out what was going on.

I would not cancel for a 7 year old. I would for an adult.

It was fine for the party to go ahead. You can’t cancel a child’s party because of a death of someone she barely (if at all) knows. Your Dsis2 should have made her apologies and left at once to be with her husband and bereaved SGD.

Bloody hell of course you should have driven your sister back to her grieving husband. I'm very precious about DC's birthdays and get anxious that they're nice but I would not hesitate to rearrange the meal. You and Dsis2 leaving was the absolute minimum.

Your poor dsis2 - must have been so hard for her putting on a brave face. I also get that your niece is 7 so birthdays are really special. I think what you did was the right decision, leaving your dh and dc’s at the party so you could support dsis2. Can’t believe dsis1 was so unsupportive.

Just to add, please don't make this a battle between you and DSIS1 with DSIS2 caught in the middle. That isn't what DSIS2 needs.

The only people missing at her birthday party were her two aunts. I'm sure she would still have had a lovely birthday with her cousins and everyone else present. You did the right thing sticking up for dsis2.

I'd text one short text calmly telling her that you hope that dneice had a lovely party with her cousins present, but you standby the fact that you did the right thing under the circumstances. That you are sorry she is upset but sometimes things don't go to plan and that you hope that she can empathise with your sister when she thinks about how she would feel if the situation was reversed.

Then the ball is in her court. Please don't get sucked into pacifying her unreasonableness

Trying to appeal to reason wth someone completely unreasonable is generally a hiding to nothing.

Sorry for your loss op, and that of your sister and her family.
I’m also sorry that DN has been saddled with such a mother. The meal didn’t need cancelling, but no way should your sis2 have been made to attend.

Fuck me DSIS1 is delightful.
The meal should have gone ahead with just her etc for the kids birthday as they don’t understand. But DSIS2 should have absolutely gone straight home and you should have taken her.

I think Yulebealrite suggestion is good. just leave them all to calm down.....sorry for your loss

Well, just tried to make peace with Dsis1 on text and was met with complete hostility. I told her I didn't want to argue as it's petty when there has been such a tragedy and Dsis2 needs both of our support. Also offered to take DN out for a treat as I have been feeling guilty over her birthday (I'm not guilty over driving Dsis2 home, but that a bit of a scene happened at the meal). Dsis1 responded to have a go and accused me and Dsis2 of "ganging up on her" and also saying that our dead parents would be ashamed of me. Wtf.

She's always been quite selfish and opionated but it's usually been over superficial/insignificant things but this is a different kettle of fish. I said I would not be talking to her again until she stopped with the insults and have blocked her number. Though she has sent my 16 year old DD a few texts along the same lines regarding me.

As for Dsis2, I'm sure me and Dsis1's argument is the last thing on her mind under the circumstances but I do feel bad. We were all meant to be meeting at another family members house halfway between us for Christmas but they are understandably staying at home. God the poor DC's, the oldest is only 6 and the youngest 6 weeks

Shit i meant to click the sad face emoji in my last post not the gin one

She's gone proper batshit. You're right to block, and tell your daughter to do the same.

Does she always manage to make everything about her?

Texting your DD would be the final straw for me.

Her behaviour was bad enough but to send texts to your daughter is just vile.
Cease all contact until she gives her head a wobble.
You absolutely did the right thing taking her home. What a terrible tragedy and waste..those poor kids. I am pleased they have your BIL and sil to give them the support and guidance they need and are safely at home now. X

The meal didn’t need cancelling but dsis2 needed to go home immediately and be there for her family. If you were the best way to get her there then you needed to bring her.

Your dsis1 is nasty and self absorbed. I can’t believe her selfishness. She kept your dsis2 there (more fool her!) as her DH was in the most desperate situation and state. If I was the DH, id never forgive her for not coming immediately. He found his daughter dead. Through a window. Horrific.

6 weeks old?
Christ. ANYTHING I got from Dsis1 I'd just respond with 'a newborn has just lost their mum, have some perspective'. Ad infinitum.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bloody hell she's texting your 16 year old DD? She sounds completely batshit. I'd make sure she's blocked from your DCs' and DH's phones and just let her stew in her own juices until she calms down.