To think the birthday meal should have been cancelled (family death)

[halseyismyname123]

Yesterday was my DN's 7th birthday. Dsis1 was holding a family meal at a local Indian restaurant and Dsis2 got the coach down from where she lives 5 hours away the day before to be here for the meal. She has a DH but he has custody of his 3 DGD as his DD (Dsis2's DSD) is an addict who lives alone. It was his DD's day for contact so he stayed home with the DC.

Me, DH, and teen DC had just gotten into the car to head to the meal when I recieved a call from a crying Dsis1. She said that Dsis2's DSD hadn't turned up for contact so her DH drove round to her house only to find the poor girl dead in the living room when he looked through the window. I automatically assumed the meal had been cancelled and offered to come round to Dsis1's house (where Dsis2 was staying) to for moral support and to offer to drive Dsis2 back to her house to be with her DH. Dsis1 said no, that her DD deserved to have a birthday and normality and that Dsis2 needed a distraction. I didn't say it out loud, but I was thinking "Yeah I'm sure a chicken korma will distract from the fact that her DSD has just been found dead". Dsis1 has always been overbearing and Dsis2 is very quiet and go with the flow so it was obvious to me thst Dsis1 wanted to go for the meal anyway and Dsis2 didn't want to just say no.

So we get to the meal a bit later than everyone else (DH had forgot to take his medication before we left and we had to rush home halfway there) and everyone is chatting casually and normally as if a young woman hadn't just died. Dsis1 had told everyone to be like this for her DD's sake. Poor Dsis2 is sat at the end of the table staring into space. We carry on like this until Dsis2 gets a call from her hysterical husband saying his DGC's social worker has decided to place them into foster care. He is saying that he needs her hear. When Dsis2 gets off the phone she tells us this and I say that I can drive her back now. Dsis1 is against this and says it would be better to get the meal out of the way and then Dsis2 can stay at hers for the night and get the coach back home in the morning as planned. She also insists that her DD would be upset if me and Dsis2 left early.

I gott quite annoyed and said something along the lines of "With all due respect Dsis1, Dsis2 has just suddenly lost her DSD and I think her husband and DGC in crisis need to take priority here." Dsis1 had a right go at me and me and Dsis2 end up leaving. Dh and our DC's stay at the meal and get a lift home later. I drive Dsis2 home and sit with her and her DH for a while until the social worker turns up and hints at me to go. I don't get gome to the early hours and go straight to bed.

I have woken up this morning and Dsis1 has sent me a barrage of texts saying how I ruined her DD's birthday and that I should have kept the normality. I have tried to defend myself saying that Dsis2 clearly just wanted to go home but didn't want to say because Dsis1 is so loud and opinionated and I felt I needed to take the initiative and get her home to her poor DH. I then went on to say that it was insenstive of her to proceed with the meal anyway and ban any talk of our step-niece but she said it had been for the best and has now blocked me on any social media. Maybe this is the wrong place to post but I am furious with her and her selfish attitude. I do feel sad for my DN over her birthday but at the end of the day other events unfolded that had to take priority, surely?

Dsis1 behaved appallingly towards Dsis2 and you, and is clearly a problem family member. Suggest ignoring her for now and heading over to the Stately Homes threads in relationships for some advice.

You were unreasonable, however, to comply with DSis1’s request that you both attend the meal. And also U to try to “make peace” with DSis1 when she has behaved so badly to the detriment of everyone and primarily DSis2.

You have nothing to feel guilty about with respect to DN witnessing a family argument - that was DSis1’s fault.

Your DSis1 is a real piece of work! Personally, I'd probably be secretly glad to be able to reduce or stop contact with her (although it's sad for your DN). Doesn't sound as if she adds much to your lives. And the remark about your late parents is WAAAYYY below the belt. And untrue!

As far as the 'meet halfway' plan for Xmas I think I'd forego it and see if perhaps DSis2 & her DH would like some quiet company and a bit of help with the children. You could help the older children 'keep Christmas' and give your DSis2 and DH the ability to step away if they need to take a moment. Whoever is hosting it should certainly understand you wanting to do that, without you having to mention the contretemps between you and DSis1.

I completely get why Sister One wouldn’t want to cancel the meal altogether - but can’t see for the life of me why she thought it was okay to push Sister Two to stay in those circumstances. Making a massive scene about it when you later left because of a key development in this situation - AND then going on to block you on social media and send insults via your teenage daughter afterwards - is incomprehensible. I can’t insgine being anything but horrified that my sister was facing such a tragedy.

OP - is Sister One the eldest of you all? I wonder if, as your parents are no longer with you, she has perhaps appoint herself as ‘head of the family’, and therefore thinks she can dictate what happens at family events and who attends them? The irony being that, if she thinks missing a child’s birthday meal is worse than not being there for your bereaved husband, she is the least mature of you all. Not to mention an adult woman blocking her own sister on social media in these circumstances.

It sounds like you’ve been a great support to your other sister. Keep on doing exactly what you have been doing.

Cough No, she is 10 years younger than me. Dsis2 is 50, I'm 46 and Dsis1 is 36. Me and Dis2 have always been closer than either of us with Dsis1 because of the age gap. Dsis1 has in the past implied she feels left out but we have always included her in everything. She's generally a very sensitive person and you do have to walk eggshells around her.

Acrossthepond55 I did suggest I could come up for Christmas (with/without DH/DC depending on what she's comfortable with) and help out the kids and she said she'll see how they feel tomorrow. Me and DH are also having the 6 week old DGD for a few days after Christmas because the older 2 DGC who can understand the situation are obviously very distraught and they need to handle that. Also they have got to face going in to DSD's house at some point and also meetings with the DC's social worker, funeral planning and autopsy etc. I think they just wanted such a young baby away from all of the stress.

I'm glad you are able to support them. It's a rough time of the year for this type of thing to happen.

My Niece lost her 24 year old son last week to what is believed to be sudden heart failure. Her mum and she are completely shattered and have shut everyone out. There is nothing we can do or say, they just want to be left alone. Of course, we're respecting that but it's just killing our other sister and me to not be able to help them.

Dsis 1 is a bitch who’s too used to getting her own way and so self absorbed that she thinks a 7 year olds birthday is of importance to extended family members. She’s an idiot and needs to be told as much. Also, who has a big family meal for a 7 year olds birthday. Kids that age want to do things with their friends, not a load of adults.....

Wow, can't believe what I've just read. Your DSIS1 has behaved appallingly. You have tried (more than you should based on how she's behaved) to make amends and she's still acting like a spoiled child.

Focus on your DSIS2 just now and just ignore your DSIS1's tantrums

Can barely believe what I've just read. Dsis1 sounds deranged.

Yabu to think the meal should've been cancelled. That's not on. Yanbu in the slightest on any of the other stuff. She has behaved awfully.

You did the right thing OP

I think you did the right thing too. How tragic.

Dsis1 is a selfish cow. You did absolutely the right thing. Hope your dsis2 and family are ok

I think your sister is incredibly insensitive. I don’t think the whole thing should have necessarily been cancelled but the priority should have been, sort sister 2 out, whether that involves someone missing the meal or not.

But I do have a question: is a family meal in the evening to an Indian really a birthday treat for a 7 year old?!! I only have a one year old so I don’t really know what 7 year olds like, but I would’ve wanted a party, or cinema or a sleepover or whatever at that age.

What kind of “scene” took place at a 7 year old’s birthday?

I was going to agree with the others that dsis should of gone ahead with meal but without dsis 2 however the more I read your dsis 1 soon nds self obsessed . You are right dsis 2 needs all the support . Blocking dsis 1 is completely appropriate .

Is your mum around , can she deal with dsis 1

Starlight their parents are deceased Sister1 said they'd be ashamed of the OP over this

You done the right thing. How awful for all the family

I don’t think a child’s meal should have been cancelled because their aunt’s husband’s daughter died.

However, your DSIS should not have been made to attend

The meal should have gone ahead (people need to eat after all) but dsis2's absence should have been accepted.