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Original poster

I think I’ve realised that my Dh is spineless

63 replies

WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:33

Ffs.
Previously posted about Dh family he went nc with his dsis 6 years ago and then his mum blamed me for it and various event later I made the decision it was best I didn’t see her.
Issues like shouting at me when I pregnant, refusing to speak to me at our wedding and ignoring our ds when he was seriously ill in hospital.
Since then Dh sees his mum every few weeks I go out to avoid her.
Dh since the argument with his dais only sees his mum he won’t let us go to family gatherings where the rest of his family are even when I’ve said we should still be able to take our kids regardless of his dsis and my issues his mum but he said it was best to keep the kids away.
Today he said he wanted to take the kids to see his mum out for a breakfast. He’s come home and said his aunt was there. I’ve been saying to invite his aunt over for years.

I feel upset I think all this just plays into his mother’s narrative that I’m in the wrong to the rest of his family all they hear is his mothers side. He’s never stood up for me and told everyone what his mother did to me.
And now I’m sat in tears while he can’t see what the matter is again.
He’s a fucking pathetic shit and I’ve had it.
He’s had countless opportunities to stand up abd he never has.

OP posts:
Original poster
WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:34

Actually reading that back I’m the pathetic one aren’t I?! This is beyond a joke

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 12:37

I don't really understand, what did you wish him to do, take your child and walk out when he saw his aunt was there?

statetrooperstacey · 22/12/2018 12:37

I actually can't see what the matter is either? Just let the man see his family without making it a drama for him!

Gravel1 · 22/12/2018 12:38

Do you really care - really or is it your pride that hurt and that you feel you have somehow lost. You have the son and the kids its their loss they don't have you Go and do something nice when the kids are seeing granny. Do you really want to sit with her ?

katykins85 · 22/12/2018 12:38

I actually can't see what the matter is either? Just let the man see his family without making it a drama for him! THIS!!

Gravel1 · 22/12/2018 12:39

as for spineless what you are really asking him to do is take sides he needs to maintain some relationship with his mother and the kids should see the pat family.

Original poster
WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:40

He’s chosen to let me or kids attend any family events or see his family. Now it comes out there were msg that he knew his aunt was going there. It fine for him and the kids to see his family but not me even though I’ve done fuck all wrong. His mother is in the wrong and I’m paying for it by missing out on family events having to leave my house every time she visits. My patience is gone.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 22/12/2018 12:40

I don't understand it at all. Why are you deliberately creating such a horrid situation?

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 12:41

I'm lost. I thought it was you who chose not to see his mother? Not that he was forcing you not to? And he also doesn't go to family events? It's not just you?

SparklyLeprechaun · 22/12/2018 12:42

I don't understand. Did the aunt's presence there upset you? Because she wouldn't come to yours instead? I don't get it.

Original poster
WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:42

I’ve tried to sort this out for years. Begged Dh to forgive his sister. I let it go when mother scream at me when I was pregnant. I’ve tried so hard for everyone to get along. But now I don’t give a shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:44

I don’t want to see his mother.
I would like to go to wider family events but Dh has refused this for last 5 years so our kids have never met some of his family.
He would not let me invite his aunt over to our house.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 12:44

Well, you clearly do give a shit. And you said you chose to go no contact with his mother.

Op, it sounds like you're trying to create a lot of drama Because he took his child to see his mother before Xmas and his aunt was there.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/12/2018 12:45

Thing is though, they are his mum's family, not yours. So at his family gatherings, people will be looking to see his mum, not you.

No way should you leave your house for her to visit though, sod that.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 12:45

He would not let me invite his aunt over to our house

Well maybe this is the start of a relationship repair. Honestly. This is his family. Stop making it so hard for him. He also was not going to social events.

redexpat · 22/12/2018 12:46

Oh I see - so youre getting the blame for his decisions to not see various family members. Youve been trying to build bridges with those who arent involved and this has been blocked by him. But when his Mum does the same he accepts, thus making it look like you are the one blocking everything.

Yeah that would really piss me off too.

losingfaith · 22/12/2018 12:46

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time. From what I understand your MIL blames you for your dh falling out with his sister, and has frozen you out / been nasty.

If you were not instrumental in the original fall out then your husband should have set his mother straight then rather than allowing years of animosity on both sides to build up.

Jakethekid · 22/12/2018 12:47

Stop leaving your home for his mother and tell him to go out. Take some control of your life if you feel like his family are somehow controling it. Best thing you can do is learn to not give a shit (I know it's easier said than done) and be confident in your own choices because right now it sounds like you still feel his family are controlling in some ways.

Original poster
WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:47

Oh I see - so youre getting the blame for his decisions to not see various family members. Youve been trying to build bridges with those who arent involved and this has been blocked by him. But when his Mum does the same he accepts, thus making it look like you are the one blocking everything
Yes thank you don’t think I’m explaining it very well- but you’re spot on

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 12:47

Is that it? He agrees with his mother you're to blame for the fall out?

araiwa · 22/12/2018 12:48

Ive no idea wtf is going on here

But you seem determined to make it an big, unnecessary problem

statetrooperstacey · 22/12/2018 12:48

You said you thought it was best if you didn't see her and that you go out to avoid her every couple of weeks. That is your decision.
I think your dh probably keeps you away from family events because he thinks you will, for want of a better term, kick off. 😁 You sound very angry about very little.

PawneeParksDept · 22/12/2018 12:54

I also understood it as :

The OPs other half voluntarily went NC with his sister.

His mother and various other family members blamed OP for this even though it was entirely the DHs doing to the point that OP feels the need to vacate her house when MIL visits due to the strength of feeling against her from MIL

OP has come to the revelation from this last visit that her DH has probably manipulated her and this situation all this while so the entire family DO think she's the reason for the fallout because her DH has slyly implied as much in her absence and has allowed her to take the full force of familial resentment for a choice that was entirely his own

OP is justifiably upset and has just now realised her husband is a gaslighter

HTH everyone who didn't get it

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/12/2018 13:00

Does he go to the family events on his own, or do none of you go?

BottleOfJameson · 22/12/2018 13:12

I don't really see the issue. It's his family - of course it means more to him than it does to you so naturally he's more cautious. It sounds like the real issue to you is how you come across to his mum. While that's understandable I don't really think it's worth going to events where there might be drama and hostility if DH doesn't want to. As long as it's not putting you out then I think DH should decide if/when he sees his own family.

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