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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I’ve realised that my Dh is spineless

63 replies

WishfulSprouts · 22/12/2018 12:33

Ffs.
Previously posted about Dh family he went nc with his dsis 6 years ago and then his mum blamed me for it and various event later I made the decision it was best I didn’t see her.
Issues like shouting at me when I pregnant, refusing to speak to me at our wedding and ignoring our ds when he was seriously ill in hospital.
Since then Dh sees his mum every few weeks I go out to avoid her.
Dh since the argument with his dais only sees his mum he won’t let us go to family gatherings where the rest of his family are even when I’ve said we should still be able to take our kids regardless of his dsis and my issues his mum but he said it was best to keep the kids away.
Today he said he wanted to take the kids to see his mum out for a breakfast. He’s come home and said his aunt was there. I’ve been saying to invite his aunt over for years.

I feel upset I think all this just plays into his mother’s narrative that I’m in the wrong to the rest of his family all they hear is his mothers side. He’s never stood up for me and told everyone what his mother did to me.
And now I’m sat in tears while he can’t see what the matter is again.
He’s a fucking pathetic shit and I’ve had it.
He’s had countless opportunities to stand up abd he never has.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 13:19

Why were you so keen to have his aunt to the house? And him so adamant no? Is he worried you only want her there so you can put your side forward and cause some angst? Or do you really like his aunt or something?

sherrysfortea · 22/12/2018 13:29

I understand OP and I would feel upset too.

You've been given the blame for an incident with his sister and he's not setting things right and allowing them all to exclude you based on a lie.

It's really unfair and shitty

Gina2012 · 22/12/2018 13:29

would like to go to wider family events but Dh has refused this for last 5 years

Yes you're right

It's you who is spineless, OP

TheWernethWife · 22/12/2018 13:32

Pawnee perfectly put, I understand the OPs point of view. I certainly wouldn't leave my house, why do you do this OP?.

I've not spoken to my PILs for 5 years now, bliss.

April2020mom · 22/12/2018 13:46

I suggest you see a therapist. None of this is what normal people do at all. How often do you see them at family events? What is the background history like?

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2018 13:47

Do you leave the house when your MiL visits because you want to avoid her or does your DH ask you to leave so she can avoid you? Because I'd be damned if I'd leave my own home so another person, one who treats me like shit, can visit in comfort.

And I think it's quite possible that the reason he doesn't want you to see his family is because rather than accept the responsibility for his own actions, he's only too happy to let them think that you are the one responsible for the rift between him and his sister.

BottleOfJameson · 22/12/2018 13:52

I read it as OP decided to leave the house because she doesn't want to see MiL - hardly DH's fault. If DH insists OP leaves her own house that's a different issue and she's right to be annoyed by that.

ThanosSavedMe · 22/12/2018 13:54

If he wants to see his mother, he can do it out or at her house. No way would I leave my home for her.

Dimsumlosesum · 22/12/2018 13:55

My DH did this with me at the beginning when his mother decided all of a sudden after a year she hated me. Took me 4 years and a shit load of heartache later to finally have my last straw fuck you then moment. I sympathise op x

Dotty1970 · 22/12/2018 13:55

WTF are you on about Confused
Also.. What is nc with dsis?

BumbleBeee69 · 22/12/2018 14:04

I understand completely and YES OP, Your DH is a SPINELESS DICK, and no way would I let him take the kids and leave you sat at home ignored when You have done nothing wrong. Your DH and MIL have literally written you out of the Family. They are SCUM, MERRY CHRISTMAS LADY

Grimbles · 22/12/2018 14:10

Basically the op is upset because her DH is allowing her to be scapegoated for his choice to go NC and allowing his mother to be nasty.

He is exacerbating the situation by preventing op from attending family gatherings further giving the impression that the OP is the one with the problem

DH is too spineless to tell his family the truth because it will make him the bad guy, not her.

greenpop21 · 22/12/2018 14:17

I get it OP. You are now the only one not seeing his family, even though you have always said you would go to events and have aunt over. I would ignore his future protestations and go to events with DC and contact aunt directly and ask her over.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/12/2018 14:24

MIL can manipulate her own Son but please OP, don’t allow MIL to isolate your Children from you.

7yo7yo · 22/12/2018 14:37

@BumbleBeee69 is right.
Damned if I’d leave my house when anyone came over!
Sounds like mil, sil and DH have blamed you to the wider family.

Serin · 22/12/2018 14:43

I'm sorry you are having a hard time OP and understand where you are coming from.
To not speak to you on your wedding day is incredibly shitty, TBH I would have cut her off then!
You are so right about needing to stick up for yourself as he is clearly happy for you to be the "bad guy" in the eyes of his family.
Invite his auntie over if you want to, have a party and invite whoever you like to it! you don't need his permission and you certainly don't need his Mothers.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/12/2018 14:44

I don't know why people are saying they don't get it! DH fell out with his sister, his mother blames Op and made that clear to the point Op decided to not be around her. Over the years since, DH has kept Op and their dc away from the wider family despite Ops desire to attend events/invite them to her home.

Now he's apparently decided that he and their dc CAN see the wider family with only the Op being excluded. Which obviously makes it appear that it's Op who's choosing to not be involved with any of his family.

His actions are kind of suggesting that Op is the problem and that reinforces his mother's view of her as troublemaker. Rather than stick up for his wife and refuse to allow the row with his sister dictate how they interact with the rest of the family, he's chosen to simply exclude Op. So yes, he's a spineless git who is happy for people to assume his wife is the problem. Pretty hurtful I think.

Oxfordblue · 22/12/2018 14:53

So what did the DH’s DM do that was so bad?
I think, from knowing very little, that DH is in an awkward position.

Butchyrestingface · 22/12/2018 14:55

I wouldn’t leave the house when the MiL comes over.

Does she blame you for the NC between husband and sister?

PawneeParksDept · 22/12/2018 14:55

She hasn't done anything

From the MILs perspective

My children are no longer on speaking terms, this is breaking my heart - My DS has told me repeatedly he would never have fallen out with his sister and would speak to her again if it weren't for his wife...

Except it isn't it's all HIS doing and he's telling Mummy it's her

Jenny17 · 22/12/2018 14:56

You have a DH problem. DH should have made clear that family must treat you like family at start. I suspect he knows exactly what the matter is.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 15:04

I think can'tsleep has it.

Thr op is no contact with the mother. The mother blames the op as the root cause of thr fall out between her kids and the no contact with thr wider family.

Her husband seeing thr aunt and the mum without her re enforces thr view the op is the root cause of the problem.

She says she's not, potentially her husband thinks she is, and that's why he doesn't have thr aunt to the house.

As such, I think the op needs to sit and talk to her husband. Because either he is happy for his wife to take the blame for all the fall outs in thr family or he thinks she really is the problem.

Amyk01 · 22/12/2018 15:19

OP I really feel for you. You have been treated badly by your MIL, and so rather than your DH stand up to her and stick by you, he’s just pushed you aside and maintained his relationship with her without you. And now to make it worse he and the kids are meeting up with extended family without you, so they’re all having fun without you when you’re the one who was treated badly! Personally I would NEVER leave my own home for people who have disrespected me to spend time there. Your DH can meet with his Mom elsewhere. Also I’m not sure how comfortable I would be with your MIL having access to your children without you. It means there has been no consequence for her actions and no incentive for her to change. Make sure you put yourself first because your husband is certainly doing the same for himself!

cuppycakey · 22/12/2018 15:24

OP I would not be leaving my home to avoid MIL.

Tell Dh to see her elsewhere. The whole set up sounds pretty toxic.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/12/2018 15:27

Your posts are so hard to understand OP.
Leave him to get on with his family and keep out of it. Sounds like you can't help but peck his head no matter what he does.

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