I think I’ve realised that my Dh is spineless

[WishfulSprouts]

Ffs.
Previously posted about Dh family he went nc with his dsis 6 years ago and then his mum blamed me for it and various event later I made the decision it was best I didn’t see her.
Issues like shouting at me when I pregnant, refusing to speak to me at our wedding and ignoring our ds when he was seriously ill in hospital.
Since then Dh sees his mum every few weeks I go out to avoid her.
Dh since the argument with his dais only sees his mum he won’t let us go to family gatherings where the rest of his family are even when I’ve said we should still be able to take our kids regardless of his dsis and my issues his mum but he said it was best to keep the kids away.
Today he said he wanted to take the kids to see his mum out for a breakfast. He’s come home and said his aunt was there. I’ve been saying to invite his aunt over for years.

I feel upset I think all this just plays into his mother’s narrative that I’m in the wrong to the rest of his family all they hear is his mothers side. He’s never stood up for me and told everyone what his mother did to me.
And now I’m sat in tears while he can’t see what the matter is again.
He’s a fucking pathetic shit and I’ve had it.
He’s had countless opportunities to stand up abd he never has.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed mil to see my DC without me being present, in these circumstances. Your DH is a spineless git who is enabling mil to treat you like shit and still get what she wants.

You need to stop him taking the kids and also stop enabling him by vacating your own house. And if you are not welcome at family events then he doesn't go either!
Frankly I couldn't remain married to a man who allowed this to happen.

Thank you all for your comments.
I’m sorry my posts are bit disjointed it’s hard to express everything that’s happened especially so when I’m upset.
I need to process everything but I do feel resentful about how this played out - not just today but the chain of events up to now.
I felt at the time I decided to go nc with mil it would have been unfair to stop her seeing the dc as the issue was I felt uncomfortable around her.
If I stopped her seeing dc now it feels cruel to them - although they only see her every few weeks they do love her.

It was my decision to go out when mil visits. The times she can see them are around 6pm so I didn’t want Dh rushing them around before bed- it makes it easier if they are at home bathed and in pjs iyswim.

OP I get where you are coming from.

Similar situation here in that although dh is wonderful with me, he often hasn't put his family right when they have been in the wrong. The result is that they make an effort with him at times and he with them (sometimes I encourage this as I want to be the bigger person) but I'm the one left on my own, being made out to be the bad one when it's THEIR behaviour which has been wrong. He hates confrontation and won't call them out, rather just cautiously interact with them but at my expense! Or so it feels. V frustrating situation. Slowly getting better as the years have gone on but the only thing that keeps me here is that we don't have much to do with them and dh just lacks skills opposed to actually wanting to be malicious/hurtful towards me.

Dh now saying he’s wants to go nc with his mum now as it causes arguments which it does a few times a year.
I think all this could have been avoided if Dh would have had a few awkward conversations to begin with.
The whole situation is a mess.

As far as I can tell your DH is spineless because he won't do what you tell him and is spineless when he does.

Seems like a lose lose situation to me

Tell him fine, go NC. It's his decision and will make your life much easier. But remember that it is HIS decision and he is entitled to change his mind if he chooses.

BUT I'd tell him that as far as DC go, NC IS NC. If he changes his mind, he isn't dragging them back into it.

If he regularly sees his family without you and insists ok it, it suggests to me that he’s the one telling his family that you’re at fault.

OP I agree with other posters. You are making a big deal out of it and it is unclear what you want or expect him to do here.

You keep drip feeding and trying to make yourself look like the poor victim here.

You will destroy your relationship if you continue with this crusade. It doesn't have to be all about you.

He can't win in this situation. Sounds like you want to go to wider family events to justify that you are not the cause of fall out - which would just create a whole mess.

Going out when mil comes round is very passive aggressive.

I'd love to hear dh side of things

Interesting it’s been so mixed. Really don’t know what to think but like I sad I need to process it all.

I think if when in law has shouted at you that's a serious reason to not feel comfortable being in their presence.

It's a situation it's hard to come back from with no original family bond there.

Having said that is it possible to stay around? It seems you going out might be playing into this notion of you being at the centre of the tension. Rather than their original family issues that they might like to conveniently park at your door..consciously or unconsciously.

Could you see yourself practicing being neutral and a bit detached from their dramas?

I'm a bit confused by other posters saying that you're making a drama when you've been shouted at and accused of various events by MIL. Personally I would encourage your DH to talk to his mum about what has brought you all to this place. Rather than going NC. It isn't going to be easy - my DH is doing it now - but in the long term it will hopefully mean that you can all be in the same room and exhibit a modicum of decency towards eachother. If you didn't have kids I'd say sod it and go NC but I think if you are putting them first you may need to moderate your reactions. Good luck.