To have never had a one night stand

[RestingButchFace]

I never thought I was unusual among my peers sex life wise but have been out for drinks with friends of varying ages 26 to 45 (my age) tonight and out of the 15 of us I was the only one not to have had a one night stand. I am not by any means a prude nor inexperienced sexually or in a marriage since teenage years. I married twice (both ended in dv) and have slept with 6 other people. I just felt tonight as though I had missed out on something. I have been celibate for nearly 9 years now and am wondering if there are some good arguments for just going out and home with someone that I have previously not got?

Me neither. It's not something that's ever appealed to me & I don't think I've missed out. I'm in my 50s & married but even when single having a ONS wasn't my thing. Each to their own, though.

I have had a few when single they were not all that tbh , I was never very good at having no strings attached sex, im sure they work for some people though ...

I think to me sex equals feelings. I may be wrong but no matter how much I enjoyed sex or how adventurous I was in a relationship it came down to trust and knowing my partner. I can't imagine being so abandoned and inhibition free therefore having great sex with someone I didn't know.

Not something worth worrying about.

Having ons isn't something to be ashamed of but generally they're usually shit!

Having been in 3 marriages that ended due to DV you're understandably cautious and I sincerely hope you've had good support on this matter.

Thank you Graphista only 2 luckily and both when very young (out of the frying pan) I totally agree nothing going to be ashamed of and I was in no way judging just thought I was the odd one out. Have been alone now for 9 years and have no intention of looking for anything more (obviously a bad judge of men) Merry Christmas

Horses for courses. If it doesn't appeal, I wouldn't bother. TBH if I had to wipe out any sexual memories it would probably be a ONS. Neither here nor there really.

I dont thimk they are wrong but if they dont appeal to you , than fine having had a few i dont think i would have missed out if i hadent had them if that makes sense?

Some people like casual sex and others don’t. Sex is about doing what you feel comfortable with and enjoy, don’t worry about what others get up to.

Thank you it isn't that I thought I was missing out as such more that I was the only one from a huge age range that had never and suddenly thought I was odd 😂

sparklesocks not worried as such just intrigued that I was the only one from such a cross section.

It’s only a small cross section in the big scheme of things though, there are lots of people who only have sex in relationships. You definitely aren’t odd

Like x2boys I'm not very good at sex without emotion (not quite what he/she said, but the same sentiment).

I've had one night stands and casual sex, and it's never worked for me.

I was brought up that sex = love, and whilst I get (and don't judge) people who are ok with just the sex part, and I've certainly had sex without love, I think the best sex of all is when emotion comes into play too.
Interestingly, my DH (who is quite a bit older than me) has had masses and masses of sex without emotion (like in the 000s number), and he and I don't agree on this at all, and have had quite a few 'heated discussions' about what view we pass on to our DD.

I'm not sure that either of us is right or wrong, but I'd rather have my opinion than his he is wrong, even though mine leaves me more vulnerable to being hurt than his does. I really do think not-especially-great sex with someone you care about a lot is a million times better than technically amazing sex with someone you have no emotional investment in at all.

I've never had one either as generally jump from relationship to relationship. I don't see the appeal as it takes me while to really enjoy sex with a new partner once we are comfortable with each other. Each to their own though.

33, me neither. I've barely even ever kissed anyone I wasn't in a relationship with!

keepserving I was also brought up like that and have passed it on to my eldest who is 19 and has only just lost her virginity to her long term boyfriend. She tells me everything and anything awful lotwofold her friends have already slept with more people than me. No judgement whatsoever I am wondering if I should change my outlook for my youngest aged 8. Should I describe sex as a fun thing that you can do with anyone as long as you are careful or continue with my old when you love someone schtick

The best thing about one night stands are that they make good stories down the line -when you've got over the shame/embarrassment/cringe-.

Tripping that is what I imagine. Even the first time for me with established partners involved fanny farts and unflattering angles. I can't imagine the stresses of not knowing someone

Well the theory is that because you'll never see them again, you're free to not give a crap about that stuff.

Which only works if that's who you are.

The other issue is that obviously a bloke who wants to keep you happy long term works harder IYKWIM. So you're rolling the orgasm dice with a ONS.

Butch I do honestly think that sex with emotion is a gazillion times better than sex without, no matter what anyone's technique is like, and even though this attitude has caused me pain/hurt/rejection I could have done without.

What I want to pass on to my DD (17) is both attitudes. I don't want her to feel dirty or guilty if she has recreational sex. I want her to enjoy it. But I want her to be safe (in terms of contraception and possible disease). A good friend said to me that her mother said to her (as a late teen) "never go to bed with anyone you wouldn't want to wake up to" which I quite like.
I certainly don't want her to feel like recreational sex is in any way wrong.

HOWEVER, I'd be letting myself and my upbringing down if my p.s. to that (above) was anything else but: "...and whilst a ONS/FWB might be fun, and I hope you enjoy it, NOTHING beats sex with someone you love".

There's also some stuff in there about (a) respecting yourself (b) not being coerced (and certainly not being in a position of having sex because you feel it's impolite to say no. Which I have done) and (c) - most important of all - getting it right for YOU.

I want my daughter to have fun, and if no-strings sex works for her, then fine. But ULTIMATELY, what I want for her is for her to be happy, and for me this means something long term with someone who's a great shag who adores her! (lots of other things too, but this would be a start!)

I have to say that as an old married lady, I look back very fondly on the active sexlife of my youth- including a handful of one night stands.

I disagree ONS are necessarily ‘emotion-free’. I think they can be outrageously romantic, and involve lots of emotion. It can be a chance to really unleash parts of your personality that rarely see the light. A chance to experiment, express yourself or even just celebrate that you’re a woman who’s hit the jackpot of finally being able to have a ONS without being isolated, judged or stoned to death.

I suppose it depends of the quality of the ONS, too. I don’t think I ever faced coercion, or danger, or a real dud, or did it while horribly drunk.

I did have a couple of funny situations that became great stories almost as soon as they happened. Like the guy who thought I was going to stab him with my long hair clip, when I was actually doing a very sultry ‘shaking my luscious locks down’ move. Kinda ruins the mood when they leap out of bed and cower shaking in the corner! I still have that hair clip, and laugh whenever I catch sight of it in the drawer!

So no regrets at all from me, in fact I wish I’d had more adventures to look back on!

skittles that is what I worry that not so much I missed out on but by telling my eldest that love is a big part of sex I had mislead her and should have just said sleep with whoever

I think both messages are a both silly. The messages I hope DD gets are:

1. Your body belongs to you and you make all the decisions about it.

1. It's not all about the man's pleasure.

1. Make sure you like the person you are with. And that they like you.

1. Be safe.

Whether that involves love or just sex, that's up to her.

I know 2. sounds heteronormative but IME women haven't received the message that it's all about them so if she's sleeping with women, I'm not sure it needs said.

YANBU OP.

I think to me sex equals feelings. I may be wrong...
You are not "wrong". You should only have the sex that you want.

MrsTerry longterm admirer here.