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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have never had a one night stand

52 replies

RestingButchFace · 22/12/2018 01:37

I never thought I was unusual among my peers sex life wise but have been out for drinks with friends of varying ages 26 to 45 (my age) tonight and out of the 15 of us I was the only one not to have had a one night stand. I am not by any means a prude nor inexperienced sexually or in a marriage since teenage years. I married twice (both ended in dv) and have slept with 6 other people. I just felt tonight as though I had missed out on something. I have been celibate for nearly 9 years now and am wondering if there are some good arguments for just going out and home with someone that I have previously not got?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 22/12/2018 03:16

1stdatejiggyness · 22/12/2018 04:31

@Keepservingthefestivesnogs well said. My DD is 7 and I have been thinking way too early about how I'd discuss it. I was so scared about losing my virginity that I only had it with one person from aged 17-32 and two other uni ONS I barely remember. I didn't realise he had erectile dysfunction all those years because I had nothing to compare to. I'm in my 30s now and for me, an adult ONS is more about learning what to do with a normal, fully functioning one!

Hopeful8813 · 22/12/2018 05:54

I have only had sex (or indeed kissed) two people. The first I was with for 2.5 years, the second is my now DH. As long as you are happy it doesn't matter what others do :)

Racecardriver · 22/12/2018 08:31

I think that the notion the sex must equal love is quite damaging. It leads people to believe things like that the person sleeping with them must love them or that if someone e wants to engage in casual sex at the beginning of a relationship they must be a bad person. I see nothing wrong with preferring meaningful sex and I see no harm in telling your children that that is your choice and why you made that choice so long as they understand that it is a choice and some people choose different as is their right.

HRTpatch · 22/12/2018 08:38

I had loads in my 20s . That was back in the 80s.
Great fun, on my terms, and always safe sex. I didn't marry till late 30s ...was never interested in settling down, being a "couple" or having children.

lyinginthesundrinkingbubbles · 22/12/2018 08:44

No one night stands here either.

Times it has come up my friends have also been surprised.

I always say something like: "well I'm so good they always come back for more"!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 22/12/2018 08:49

I don't think you're odd. I know people who like them and people who don't. It's personal preference. People's sex drives can vary, so a single person may actively look for no strings sex, where another person wouldn't bother.
I have had one nights stands in my teenage and 20s. I'm 31 now and the thought doesn't appeal to me. I'm married but even if I was single I don't think I would want to sleep with strangers now, I'd rather be celibate.
One night stands always left me feeling a bit empty inside afterwards and for me, sex in a loving relationship is better than any sex with a stranger.

Whoopsies · 22/12/2018 08:51

I had one one night stand. I was 21 and liked the guy, was in a 'want to get out there and be more rebelious' phase. 10 years later we are married with 1 child and another on the way. I don't think I did it right! 😂

SaucyJack · 22/12/2018 08:55

TBH both of the one-night stands I’ve had were on “first” dates that I would have take further if the sex had been better....

I don’t really see the point of a ONS either (unless you’re on holiday or whatevs)

Either it’s crap sex, and I’d wish I hadn’t bothered. Or (worse) it’d be great sex- and then I’d spend the next few months pining for a repeat.

RoboticSealpup · 22/12/2018 08:55

I've never had one either, and I've only slept with four men, incurring DH. (Made out with plenty, though.) I'm really 'bad at' separating sex and feelings so a one night stand would have been a disappointment to me as it would imply I never saw him again.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 08:58

Of course YANBU.

But neither are people who have one night stands being unreasonable.

Do what works for you, don’t worry about other people.

Youmadorwhat · 22/12/2018 09:03

I have never had one and I’m 34 (I’ve only slept with 3 ppl)

ShadyLady53 · 22/12/2018 09:06

34, have never had a ONS and I have been shamed and pressurised into it by peers who have all had many ONS. I’ve been treated like a freak.

The idea of sex without emotion, love etc leaves me utterly cold and it feels emotionally unsafe to me. It’s the main reason I’m reluctant to try OLD even though I’m fed up of being single. I know there’s an expectation of hook ups or sex very early on and that’s not my thing.

My counsellor reassured me I’m utterly normal and have good sexual boundaries. But yes, compared to my peers I felt like there might be something wrong with me.

Childrenofthesun · 22/12/2018 09:10

You aren't missing much if my experience is anything to go by! I had several as a student/in my early 20s. They were all after having drunk too much and they were all rubbish sex!

Sidge · 22/12/2018 09:23

I’ve never had a ONS. I’ve had a fair few sexual partners and whilst most of them have been in relationships not all of them have.

I’ve tried to instil in my daughters that sex is fun, and lovely, and whilst you don’t have to be in love or even a relationship it’s better when you have some feelings for them. It’s about having self respect, and being safe, and not feeling worse afterwards in terms of regret or embarrassment.

As others have said I’ve tried to promote self awareness, don’t do anything you’d be ashamed about, be safe in terms of contraception and STIs, be safe in terms of personal safety.

I’m trying to practice what I preach as I’m now single again and have started dating 😬

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/12/2018 12:36

We should all do what feels right and good and safe and makes us happy. If you are somebody who generally thinks sex = love / feelings then logically you probably aren’t going to enjoy ONSs. If you don’t feel that way, your experience is likely going to be different.

I have had great sex with strangers during ONSs. I have had great sex with friends and partners I’ve known for years. I’ve had bad sex with both, too. I’m glad I’ve given myself the opportunity to have the sexual experiences I have done, they’ve shaped a lot of who I am as a woman and as a partner when I choose to be in a relationship and how I feel and think about my body and my desires. But I don’t have any negative opinion of those who have never explored anything outside of a relationship (unless their reason for not doing so was fear of being called a “slut” or a “slag”, and that just makes me a bit sad for them.)

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2018 12:58

Just coming back to this

I have been celibate for nearly 9 years now and am wondering if there are some good arguments for just going out and home with someone that I have previously not got?

If you’re celibate by choice then absolutely no arguments. Your choice is absolutely valid.

If you’re NOT celibate by choice then ONS might be something to consider if you’re not wanting a relationship. However if you consider and discard then also a valid choice.

As a PP said, be happy, be safe.

Butchyrestingface · 22/12/2018 14:48

For me, sex doesn’t remotely equate feelz.

However, I’m not that fussed about sex per se and there’s about 110 things I’d rather do first so I obviously I wouldn’t be out doing it with every Tom, Dick and Harry just for the sake of it.

Frogletmamma · 22/12/2018 14:52

Dh was a one night stand but we got on so well in the morning we have been together 27 years

tor8181 · 22/12/2018 14:59

im 37 and ive only ever had the 1 sexual partner who is my oh

i was 18 him 17 and we have only ever been with each other

19 years later 2 kids and ttc no 3

not married as its never interested me but still very happy and never had 1 problem in our relationship

Frogletmamma · 22/12/2018 15:03

Thats really cute tor . Good luck to you.

HildaZelda · 22/12/2018 15:05

I had what I thought would be a one night stand with a friend of mine. It turned into a relationship that lasted nearly a year until he dumped me for his ex

icannotremember · 22/12/2018 15:08

I loved one night stands and casual hookups in my pre married days. But I don't think they're an essential life experience. Do whatever you're happy doing as long as you're not hurting anyone else!

Huntawaymama · 22/12/2018 15:21

I've only slept with two people and tbh I wish it was only one. My first boyfriend was a tool. Now with my husband and wish he was the only one I'd slept with. Approaching 30 and I'm glad I never slept around

x2boys · 23/12/2018 16:59

I think the reason one night stands were not really for me was that i was single for most of my 20,s and didnt really want to be a lot of my one night stands were with people i knew and thought it might lead to something so when it didnt it hurt ,that said dh was a one night stand and yet fourteen years later here we are

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