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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to work?

89 replies

Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:15

I have a relatively high-earning husband. I don’t work because we don’t actively need the money and the satisfaction of working outside the home would be cancelled out by the stress of coming home every day to all the household admin. The alternative would be to use my salary to pay someone to do the cleaning, laundry, household errands etc, which rather defeats the object. At the same time we are trying as a family to reduce our outgoings in preparation for my hisband’s retirement. We have a ten-year-old child together.
Now I discover that he is paying for his daughter’s au pair so that she can work.
Am I being unreasonable to feel aggrieved?

OP posts:
Frogletmamma · 21/12/2018 23:16

I think this should have been on the first world problems page.

Auntiepatricia · 21/12/2018 23:17

Yes! I’d be fucking furious!

UhUhUhDennis · 21/12/2018 23:19

"The stress of coming home to all the household admin" wtf? How much admin is created for the few hours you might be out at work each day? Even if you went part time? Weirdest thread I've read today.

diege · 21/12/2018 23:22

Why would you be using your salary to pay for cleaning etc? Surely that would be a joint expense if you deemed it necessary? Confused

Auntiepatricia · 21/12/2018 23:22

Uhuhuh, she’s talking about the cooking and cleaning and school related stuff.....everything that kills the lot of us working mums.

OP, you’re not allowed on here to be wealthy and have choices to make.

MrsTerryPratcett · 21/12/2018 23:22

Did he say you couldn't work? Because whose decision it was is rather obscured in your OP.

I do see that it's odd to pay for his DD's au pair if you are saving. But that has nothing to do with whether you worked.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:24

Er - cooking, cleaning, laundry, all the things that SAHMs say equate to a full-time job...
I used to work full-time; now I don’t. I find the work of running a household tedious and time-consuming; I am crap at it and hate it. I would love to do something that I wasn’t crap at and didn’t hate, but if I did I would have to come home every day to the things I am crap at and do hate.
How is this weird?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2018 23:25

I always read these and realise I’m superwoman to cope with ft employment, have a husband who is also in ft work and yet we manage the admin and have a relatively clean and tidy house Hmm Or maybe I’m not, it’s normal....

Just how much admin and housework can two adults and a ten year old possibly create?

If you want to work, get a job. There’s more to it than the extra income, it can do wonders for a person’s perspective.

LannieDuck · 21/12/2018 23:27

No, you could outsource many of them, and you'd only need to do half of the rest because your OH would be doing half.

I can't tell from your post whether you wanted to work or not? Maybe his daughter wants to?

Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:27

Do you have a dog, Anne?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 21/12/2018 23:30

Do you actually want to work? Have you discussed this with your DH, and if so, was he supportive of you working? I don't see any harm in him supporting his dd's choice to work outside the home, but obviously that changes if he isn't willing to support you in making the same decision.

As for the expenditure when you're trying to save, I guess it depends on how you organise your finances. Do you have separate money or are all your decisions made jointly? How did you not notice earlier that this money was going to his dd?

Blessthekids · 21/12/2018 23:31

Of course you are allowed to be annoyed by it. I think it might be time to have a real honest chat with your OP. If you want to work and can find something suitable then I say go for it and get someone to help do the cleaning and laundry. Enjoying being a SAHM is one thing but hating it well I think you have answered your own question.

MrsTerryPratcett · 21/12/2018 23:32

ave you discussed this with your DH, and if so, was he supportive of you working?

An answer to this would be very helpful.

Raver84 · 21/12/2018 23:34

If you want to work get a job. It really is that straight forward. You house admin will get done in the evenings and weekends.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:37

I have no money of my own, nor access to his accounts, but he pays me an amount each month. It has often happened that he has made generous gifts to his children without telling me.
Our admin is considerable as we are in the middle of a complicated relocation. I deal with all of this.
His DD works for financial reasons and repeatedly says that she would much rather be at home with her children.
I am motivated primarily by the desire to reduce our outgoings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:38

Mrs Terry Pratchett, my husband is absolutely supportive of my working, but simply doesn’t see all the other shit that needs doing or the stress of doing it on top of a job.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 21/12/2018 23:43

When you were working FT, did he do half of the housework/admin?

If not, that's the real problem IMO; his DD's aupair is a red herring.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:44

We contracted it out. Full-time nanny; cleaner; PA.

OP posts:
Nichelette · 21/12/2018 23:44

Lots of couples both work FT without hiring help.. I get that the gifted cash is annoying, but you can work without hiring help if you really want to. It really depends on how you want your lifestyle to be.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:47

Yes, if we want to be miserable.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 21/12/2018 23:48

Off topic I wish I had a nanny, PA and cleaner.

I mean if you were paying for those before... he did value that work. He may not want to do it himself. In which case his financial priorities are different to you.

The actual AIBU seems to be "my DH likes to spend money on things I think people should do for themselves, AIBU?" But you've muddled it up with a whole load of other stuff.

GreenTulips · 21/12/2018 23:48

It's surprising how much housework you can do in 20 mins! Cut corners, use the oven time round or slow cooker -
I get up put a wash on and empty the dishwasher, organize 3 kids and take us lunch to work and school. DH walks the dog and empties the bins makes tea.
Evening I cook generally and DH washes up loads dishwasher.

We take a job each night - clean bathroom vacuum dust sort washing socks -

It doesn't take that long!

How are you going to feel when he's retired and you are still at home?

BackforGood · 21/12/2018 23:49

I find the work of running a household tedious and time-consuming; I am crap at it and hate it.

There's your answer. I don't know what your skillset is, but I presume you could earn, in a day, considerably more than the £20 - £25 it would cost for a cleaner to come in and clean your house once a week ? You could have a cleaner a couple of times a week if you felt you needed it, and still be quids in. Even if you also paid for a gardener, and perhaps bought in a few more takeaways of 'shortcuts' with meals than you do now, you'd still be ahead financially.

Of course YANBU.

Frogletmamma · 21/12/2018 23:49

If you just want to get out the house and don't really need the cash volunteer for national trust or other charity maybe one day a week. When I wasn't working I spent the odd day helping my local theatre group with props scenery etc

Original poster
Florabritannica · 22/12/2018 00:18

His daighter’s au pair is not a red herring when I am turning the heating down to save money.

OP posts:
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