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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to work?

89 replies

Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:15

I have a relatively high-earning husband. I don’t work because we don’t actively need the money and the satisfaction of working outside the home would be cancelled out by the stress of coming home every day to all the household admin. The alternative would be to use my salary to pay someone to do the cleaning, laundry, household errands etc, which rather defeats the object. At the same time we are trying as a family to reduce our outgoings in preparation for my hisband’s retirement. We have a ten-year-old child together.
Now I discover that he is paying for his daughter’s au pair so that she can work.
Am I being unreasonable to feel aggrieved?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2018 00:26

If money is that tight OP then you need to talk to him. And go out to work but on the agreement that he pulls his weight or else buys in help for his half. Once he retires he can do all the "wife work"

Original poster
Florabritannica · 22/12/2018 00:35

Hum. This is a man who becomes viciously angry if I suggest he might avoid putting food waste in the recycling box.

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 00:39

I think you have bigger problems...

FlyingMonkeys · 22/12/2018 00:41

Viciously angry over you pointing out he's fucking something up? So basically he's completely unreasonable and doesn't value your opinion?

BackforGood · 22/12/2018 00:41

So, you've gone from I have a relatively high-earning husband. I don’t work because we don’t actively need the money in the OP, to when I am turning the heating down to save money. - very different scenarios.

Your dh's anger is also a complete curve ball.

If you want helpful answers, you'd do better giving people all the information in the first place, and not changing the story, and, in truth, asking about what you really want to know about.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 22/12/2018 00:53

I’m sorry, and you are all right. The various answers I’ve had have helped me realise that there’s a lot of stuff going on here which I am simply articulating as my frustration at my lack of a life outside the home.
Our finances are complicated. He is well-paid in his job, but is working beyond retirement age with an ex-wife to support (she, in anticipation of the howls of protest, left him; I came on the scene some years later), which, coupled with a collapsed workplace pension, means that we face significantly straitened circumstances in retirement.
I am angry that his ex-wife has pissed away an extremely generous settlement; that he gives very large sums to his adult working children, often without telling me; and that he complains bitterly to me about the cost of everything so that I feel obliged to turn down the heating and serve up leftovers which he refuses to eat.
So I guess in all this, really, whether I work or not is more of a red herring than his daughter’s au pair.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 22/12/2018 00:55

None of this adds up
You have a high earning husband but you are turning the heating down. You say you want to work but come up with many excuses why you don’t.
Then you throw in the anger thing. You have no access to family money because?
Not sure what you are after here

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/12/2018 00:58

Why is he supporting the ex-wife, surely if she pissed away the settlement and they have only adult children then it's tough luck to her?

His temper and your lack of access to the finances are the real issues here though.

Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 01:04

You are getting treated less fairly (or with less respect) than his family.

You need your own funds. You probably need to leave eventually...

ilovesooty · 22/12/2018 01:16

If he's going to be retiring soon he could take on the stuff at home and you could go to work - but he obviously sees it as not his responsibility.
If he gives you no access to his money and treats you with lack of respect he doesn't sound as though he brings anything positive to your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2018 01:19

If things are that tight and he’s the arse that he sounds, you need to prioritise getting paid work ASAP, have access to your own money, and find a way to juggle the housework and admin. You have options and being more financially independent is more important than anything else if it means when you’re unhappy enough you can leave.

The relationship sounds pretty bad, you don’t seem to trust or like your husband, fair enough, he sounds crap. So if you might be a single parent with a retired ex who chooses to support his ex and his adult DC you’ll need money and lower standards for your lifestyle.

MrsTerryPratcett · 22/12/2018 01:34

He sounds awful. Get a job, slack off on the housework, save up and leave.

brookshelley · 22/12/2018 02:04

With one 10 year old child and a husband who chooses to support his other children - yes you need to be working.

FoxFoxSierra · 22/12/2018 03:13

I suspect there is a lot more to this, my feeling is that it will be in your best interests to have your own income

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 22/12/2018 03:25

If you are turning the heating down and having to eat leftovers, you do actively need the money. Get a job, stop being a martyr.

abacucat · 22/12/2018 03:35

Bloody hell do not tuned the heating down or serve up leftovers. He is high earning, so there is enough money to fund heating and decent food. Are you only turning the heating down when he is not in the house?
The bigger issue is that you have no access to his accounts and he only gives you what he deems you should have.

abacucat · 22/12/2018 03:36

And it sounds like you are being financially abused.

Original poster
Florabritannica · 22/12/2018 08:20

The heating and eating are really about practising for a retirement when we will have to live on very little.
The ex-wife support is absolutely not a choice but a legal obligation. I know it sounds unbelievable and crazy but he has to pay her more than I could ever earn until she dies. And yes, that’s she not he.
Support of adult children is an ongoing problem. He is constantly complaining to me about expenditure and yet over the last year has given them over £100,000.
In his defence, he has worked hard all his life at an extremely stressful and demanding job at which he has been very successful. Now through a combination of a feckless ex-wife and an employer suddenly binning his pension (again, unbelievable but legal) he is having to work beyond retirement age and faces a future of financial uncertainty.
I may need to work then, but the longer I stay out of the job market the older I get and the less I can earn.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2018 08:25

So what happens to her supper of he does first which statistically is likely?

Original poster
Florabritannica · 22/12/2018 08:36

He has to make provision in his will.

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 22/12/2018 08:49

He sounds like he is emotionally and financially abusing you OP. Take a look at the image for signs of abuse to see that abuse isn't just physical.

To want to work?
pinkdelight · 22/12/2018 09:15

It sounds messed up in general, but the simple answer to your initial question is yanbu to want to work and it sounds like you absolutely should for your sanity, independence and all the other reasons people want to work, not at all limited to the money. Unless you live in a mansion (in which case, move) there can't be that much household admin to do and you'll be able to manage without blowing your salary on staff. Sounds like you're pretty disempowered all round so getting at least a part-time job will be necessary first step in getting a better perspective. You'll also have the heating on less if you're out at work - but also this practise for retirement should involve him doing more around the house.

lifebegins50 · 22/12/2018 09:30

You are in a vulnerable situstion as even if you left now the family pot is getting smaller.

Getting a job will have to be a priority and you will cope with 1 child, housework and a dog.
You fear you would be miserable having to balance work and home but you seem miserable now.

Your H maybe giving the cash away to avoid inheritance tax or so that there is less in the pot should you two separate.

The fact that he makes all the financial decisions is why you are feeling miserable.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 22/12/2018 09:41

I think this should have been on the first world problems page.

That's about 95% of AIBU, so actually it already is.

And ffs go and get a job OP, so you aren't depending on him for everything if nothing else. Even before the updates it would've made sense.

Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 09:45

My DH is about to retire, we are working on sharing the mental load. I pointed out I'm not skivvying for the next x years, while he thinks it's a permanent holiday.

You do not need tonnes of staff, that's just more work in itself.