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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to work?

89 replies

Florabritannica · 21/12/2018 23:15

I have a relatively high-earning husband. I don’t work because we don’t actively need the money and the satisfaction of working outside the home would be cancelled out by the stress of coming home every day to all the household admin. The alternative would be to use my salary to pay someone to do the cleaning, laundry, household errands etc, which rather defeats the object. At the same time we are trying as a family to reduce our outgoings in preparation for my hisband’s retirement. We have a ten-year-old child together.
Now I discover that he is paying for his daughter’s au pair so that she can work.
Am I being unreasonable to feel aggrieved?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 22/12/2018 14:20

Surely if OP opted not to work whilst her OH is working very hard to support her and their daughter in addition to his previous family, then it is so unreasonable that OP gets on with housework?

With a 10yo DD, it shouldn't take more than a few hours in the morning to get on with everything living the whole afternoon free for leisure. Yet her OH who works from 9 to 5 as a minimum should then come home and had a couple more hours of work just so that OP has even more leisure time? Really?

I expect my OH and I to share house work as we both work FT. He will be retiring before me and yes, I will expe t him to take on most housework which he will gladly do as he thinks that is more than fair.

Bluelady · 22/12/2018 14:25

Is it just me or is this stretching anyone else's credulity?

abacucat · 22/12/2018 14:29

swing Yes but OP should have equal access to money.

abacucat · 22/12/2018 14:32

I am pretty appalled at some of the answers on this thread.

OP you are being financially abused. You should have equal access to money. That is the issue.

The issue with working with a DP like yours, is you will work full time and still end up doing everything.

If I was you I would seriously be looking at leaving.

alltoomuchrightnow · 22/12/2018 14:36

Work, work, work, work, work. No reason not to.
You need financial independence. Do you want to stay with this awful man?
although I think it's up to him what he spends on his adult kids. But he still sounds dreadful.
I've been with a financially abusive man, though it was the other way round, I worked, he didn't. I was still left with no money and homeless when I left him because he'd cost me everything.
My best advice to any woman is.. be financially independent. Myself included as learnt the hard way

grimupnorth1 · 22/12/2018 14:45

Sorry but your husband sounds like a prick. Giving his adult kids 100k when you're likely to have future financial strain? Getting that angry at you about recycling?

Sounds to me like you need to get a job and share the household admin and he needs to get a grip.

abacucat · 22/12/2018 14:51

I think you need to get a job and leave him.

LannieDuck · 22/12/2018 15:36

So your husband pays £100k to his ex-wife per year, and additionally paid £100k to his children last year, and also supports the two of you plus child (just about supports). He must be on £250k+?

Someone on his salary should be comfortably well off. He may need to speak to a financial adviser to help him balance his books and still support his current and previous family as he's best able. He certainly ought to take advice about his pension.

Jimdandy · 22/12/2018 15:54

I can’t not work.

I was blessed with a fantastic intellect and I’m far above being used a domestic servant/slave for a man!!!

Mag1cMarket · 22/12/2018 16:07

Work is not just about money ! It's about meeting people, having a purpose, getting involved with the extra things, being independent etc. Get your CV updated, apply and register for agencies. Only you can make the change

ohamIreally · 23/12/2018 08:01

Get a job, get a nice little well insulated flat that doesn't take much cleaning, move in with your child and have a happy life.

madcatladyforever · 23/12/2018 08:15

Why do you need to decide now?
Get the relocation sorted and then in a year think again.
I would not interfere in how he helps his children, I'd do anything for my own son and I would not appreciate anyone meddling with that.
If you work maybe in a years time it will give you a lot more independence and your daughter is old enough to deal with it.

Kpo58 · 23/12/2018 12:01

I would not interfere in how he helps his children, I'd do anything for my own son and I would not appreciate anyone meddling with that.

Helping your kids isn't a problem. Transfering vast amounts to them so that you can claim poverty and not support your current wife and small child should you separate is.

AllYeFaithful · 23/12/2018 12:10

I’d feel like a child, getting an allowance every month and having no equal financial decision making powers.

I’d definitely get a job in your shoes. If your DH earns so much, he can get a cleaner in. Or , pull his weight around the house.

Its perfectly possible to work and run a household. The majority of people do it.

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