To think my family are shit TW: unpleasant death

[GunpowderGelatine]

It's the sixth anniversary of my dad's death and I'm the only one who's remembered or cares I've taken my kids to the local park today and we wrote him a letter on that dissolvable paper and made it into a little boat and we let them float off. my mum (her and dad divorced when I was 1) rang me after that moaning on about something irrelevant like her cat digging in her soil, when I mentioned it's the anniversary of dad's death she just said "blimey that's gone quick" then started banging on about her cat again.

I've messaged my brother saying thinking of dad today etc and he read it but hasn't replied but has posted on Facebook just now about what a "mad sesh" it was last night and how he has awesome friends.

I know IABU and a little petulant but I feel like I'm the only one who gives a fuck. Dad died aged 52, unexpectedly, painfully and alone and me and DH found him on his living room floor covered in vomit and his own excrement. I was heavily pregnant at the time and me and DH were the only ones who dealt with the aftermath (including DH cleaning up bodily fluids) it seems my brother can just piss off into the sunset and let everyone else deal with the hard stuff and ignore everything while he skips away on "mad seshes" (he's 35 FFS grow up).

Oh and a friend of the family shared a picture of her own dad who died 3 years ago and my mum has written a big monologue about love and remembering people and how he will always be in her heart. And I got "blimey that's gone quick"

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've remembered and honoured your dad beautifully today.

I'm really sorry but in the kindest way yabu.

I've lost both my parents and several other relatives. I don't acknowledge anniversaries...they don't mean a lot to me. I might look at the date and briefly remember but that's about it. I don't feel especially different about anything because it's an anniversary.

I’m sorry , your dissolvable boat tribute sounds lovely.
it sounds like they lack empathy - it’s crappy behaviour from them.

Do you really think your brother doesn't miss his dad? They cant have had much of a relationship if that's the case.

They sound awful. Did they even like your dad?

Op I feel for you. Maybe just do for own thing with your little family every year as a memorial. You can't force people to feel things, maybe your brother finds it too hard?
It's horrible I know, I've been there.

YANBU they're being thoughtless arses

I think anniversaries of people's' deaths are very personal.

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you remembered in a meaningful way for your family but sadly you can't expect others to do the same.

Oh op I'm so sorry, some families can be very self centered or just absolutely crap at dealing with feelings . I really feel for you having to deal with it all, here's a hug and a

Is it thoughtless not to post difficult and painful things on Facebook? Are we obliged to share everything there now?

I don't think they're shit OP. I realise it's horrible for you, but maybe your brother has very different memories of your dad to yours. I also don't think your mum's reaction is particularly bad seeing as they had been divorced for so long.

A bit of sympathy might have been nice though.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's slightly ur to expect your mum to mourn his loss when they were so long divorced.

Your brother obviously deals with life (and death) differently to you.

I hope you're ok [

Sorry for your but YABU. Not everyone grieves in the same way or at the same time eg. For some people they might feel sad at a particular place, or on a birthday /other significant date. You can’t demand that other people express their grief in the same way as you.

I am so sorry for your loss and that not everyone is understanding that acknowledging the anniversary is important to you

I have come to understand that for some people keeping anniversaries of a loved ones passing is very difficult and a precedent that they don’t like to set

Have you ever had a conversation with them about why you do what you do and what, if anything, you would like from them, or do you just sort of think it’s obvious?

I remember planning something beautiful for my dear friend who had lost her son and discovering that I had really gotten what she required very wrong. She had very sound reasons for not wanting to make a fuss on the anniversary which I just hadn’t realised, it certainly wasn’t a lack of caring. She does however respect the fact that her other children have different requirements and they’ve found a compromise if that helps?

Your mum doesn't have to feel sad herself, no, but I think she could be a bit more thoughtful when phoning someone she loves on the anniversary of their dad's death.
I mean, I wasn't that close to my MIL, but I still think of my FIL or exh on the anniversary of her death, and presume that they are feeling sad.

YABU

Sorry OP but I couldn't stand these regular anniversary events. I remember people I cared about in my own way. Yours is lovely for you but not necessarily for your other family members. Grieving is a very personal thing. It's also possible that your brother didn't have such a good relationship with your dad. And it's not really your brother's fault that you found your dad and had to deal with it.

I also wouldn't expect someone who'd been divorced for many years to feel the same way as a current spouse.

They sound awful. Did they even like your dad?

Well given that the mother divorced him over 30 years ago, she probably didn’t.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she forgot the anniversary. However, I do think she could have spent five minutes asking her daughter how she was feeling once she knew.

It's a difficult one OP. Both my DHs parents have died and DH makes no fuss or anything on their anniversaries but my sil does and I know it's something my Sil doesn't understand.

It's 10 years since my dsis died. On the anniversary, my dbro phoned my parents in tears. I didn't. It doesn't mean I miss her any less than my brother - it's just we had different responses. Your family may be shit, but I don't think you can base this decision on their response to an anniversary of a bereavement.

I'm just imagining phoning my own daughter, or even a friend, if she reminded me her father had died on that day I would maybe ask how she was feeling or something ... no?

Sorry for your loss - and your boat sounds absolutely lovely. Whilst it can be upsetting many people move on in different ways, some fine it harder or easier than others. There is no right or wrong way. Probably the way you found your death has really impacted you and imprinted it on your mind. But think of the good times with him and hold the memories dear.

I never post anything about the anniversary of my mum's passing on fb, my sister does doesn't mean I'm not thinking of her but I'd prefer to remember her life rather than her death

It's great that you remember him and sending off those little letter boats was lovely.

I think you will hear from your brother about this, as you say he was very involved at the time. Everyone deals with things differently.