To think my family are shit TW: unpleasant death

[GunpowderGelatine]

It's the sixth anniversary of my dad's death and I'm the only one who's remembered or cares I've taken my kids to the local park today and we wrote him a letter on that dissolvable paper and made it into a little boat and we let them float off. my mum (her and dad divorced when I was 1) rang me after that moaning on about something irrelevant like her cat digging in her soil, when I mentioned it's the anniversary of dad's death she just said "blimey that's gone quick" then started banging on about her cat again.

I've messaged my brother saying thinking of dad today etc and he read it but hasn't replied but has posted on Facebook just now about what a "mad sesh" it was last night and how he has awesome friends.

I know IABU and a little petulant but I feel like I'm the only one who gives a fuck. Dad died aged 52, unexpectedly, painfully and alone and me and DH found him on his living room floor covered in vomit and his own excrement. I was heavily pregnant at the time and me and DH were the only ones who dealt with the aftermath (including DH cleaning up bodily fluids) it seems my brother can just piss off into the sunset and let everyone else deal with the hard stuff and ignore everything while he skips away on "mad seshes" (he's 35 FFS grow up).

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been terrible traumatic for you to find your dad when he had passed away. Be kind to yourself and grieve in the way that helps you. Other people may be grieving too, but in a different way.

Not everyone grieves the same way. I never do anything to mark the dates of my brother or step father’s deaths. In fact I couldn’t even tell you the day they died. It doesn’t mean I don’t care but I don’t need a special day to think about them.
It’s a sad day for you but might not mean anything to others because grief is so personal.

I agree with pp, not everyone wants to be reminded of anniversaries. I don't like them and don't acknowledge them. In a way I have erased them from my mind.
That doesn't mean you are wrong to want to acknowledge the date.
It sounds like it was very traumatic for you.
Your mum was insensitive and a bit unkind. Maybe your brother just can't face it?
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope it gave you some comfort to do your lovely tribute to your dad.

I think about my mam and dad every day and miss them. I never remember the day of their deaths because to me it is just another day, I don't miss them any more that day than I do every day. I am not overwhelmed by grief and I live my life very happily - as they would have wanted- but I think about them and miss them at some point every day. Perhaps that is what your brother does, so today is not more significant to him than any other day.

I think what you did to remember your dad was a lovely thing to do. Finding your dad must make this a harder day for you as well.

My DH remembers his grandparents fondly and still talks about them a lot but every year on the anniversary of their deaths, MIL reminds him of the date and chastises him for not remembering. So in the nicest possible way, YABU.

I’m very sorry for your loss

"" then started banging on about her cat again."

Was she trying to stop you getting upset whilst talking to her?

It doesn't make people uncaring or callous.

Every year since my father died many years ao my mother has wanted the day to be solemn, lights a candle, talks in hushed tones and recounts the events surrounding my father;s death.

Every fucking year.

And I don't like it, but feel I have to join in a little, but in fact it pisses me off.

And in fact I know that she interprets my lack of interest in marking this day in that I didn't care for him- which simply isn't true.
I loved him dearly and losing him was very hard.

I just don't want to join in with her grief party. I would rather think of his life, rather than his death, and at a time of my choosing.

OP I am sorry for your loss, but not everyone wants to mark your father's passing as you do.

But don't make the mistake of thinking it's because you care more.

I don’t see that the OP is forcing anyone to grieve her way or is mad they aren’t grieving in the same way - I think the hurtful thing is that the OP has reached out to her brother and mum to say she’s hurting and had nothing back. Her brother ignored her and her mum was dismissive.

Sure they should grieve how they want but if the OP has to show compassion for their feelings why can’t they do the same back?

I m with you OP I like to remember the anniversaries quietly and do something meaningful like light a candle.
But I do think your mum was a bit insensitive and I have had that too, people changing the subject coz they don't know what to say and I m like wtf? Who cares about your washing or whatever.
My OH passed away 26 years ago in September and I remember the date every year.

I really don't like remembering the people I've lost on the death anniversary, I think about them lots of the time anyway. But I always think of their birthdays as a special remembering day, and buy some flowers and light a candle.

Clawdy

I'm the same.

I remember loved ones often, at birthdays or celebrations, or any old time really, I may see a red balloon or a type of car, or hear a song that brings back memories.

I find that way I can focus on the happy parts of their lives.

I don't want to remember a death day- often deaths are traumatic or shocking and always very upsetting for those close.

To me remembering a death day will bring back all those unpleasant memories, and to me it's the positive ones I want to focus on.

Everyone deals with it differently OP. My DM was the same age as your DF when she died, but to tell you the exact anniversary (rather than the year), I'd have to dig out her death cert.

I don’t see that the OP is forcing anyone to grieve her way or is mad they aren’t grieving in the same way - I think the hurtful thing is that the OP has reached out to her brother and mum to say she’s hurting and had nothing back. Her brother ignored her and her mum was dismissive.
^this x💯

Also op, you aren't alone. I lost my dad this year (I was within earshot but unable to be with him, and it was truly awful) and it's shocked me to the core. I know it sounds awful but it made me feel a bit better knowing other people were grieving their own losses too, so I don't know if it helps you but you really aren't alone. Sending you my love and sympathies 💐

My mother's anniversary was yesterday. I couldn't tell you my father's except that it was the following July. I don't even remember the years. Other than sharing her photo, I don't make a big deal of it. Luckily my friends just comment on their memories of her and how beautiful she was as I'm not asking for sympathy, only to share her memory. Different people love, mourn and remember in different ways. Why should we mourn the same way as you? I miss my parents every day of my life and there's nothing to say that your brother doesn't. Perhaps he thinks in turn that you are making a big play of your grief.

I don't publicly remember the anniversary of my dads death, but I do remember him in my own thoughts. My family however put attention seeking posts on Facebook, yet can't actually remember how long ago he died and always get it wrong.

As others have said, your mum and brother are no unreasonable to not be moved by the anniversary of their Dad's death. Anniversaries are just not important to some people.

However, they should be attuned to the fact that it is important to you, and should have responded with more kindness when you brought it up.

I couldn't tell you off hand the anniversary of my mum's death tbh. I also don't visit her grave very often, which my sibling had a go at me for once because it's "like I don't care".

I do care, I miss my mum pretty much everyday, not just on the day she died. But I don't like visiting her grave, it brings back bad memories. On her birthday, I always buy her favourite flowers and bake something using her old cookbook. That's how I remember my mum, with good memories.

I'm sure your brother does miss her, just in his own way.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I’m sorry for your loss, and they were insensitive but your mother’s relationship and your brother’s relationship with your dad would have been different and they will feel differently. Your mother may not have even had a good experience with your father . They were divorced after all. I’m sorry they were insensitive.

Hmm now I see that your brother not responding is a bit shit, even if it had been a short acknowledgement. Unless you said to your mum that you were struggling or wanted something specific then I wouldn't expect anything from her, they were divorced for a long time.

I don't really get marking the anniversary tbh, my dad died 5 years ago (young and unexpected) and I would much rather remember him on birthdays or whenever he pops into my head, I loved him and want to remember him as he was not on that awful day. Never expect anyone but my mum and maybe SIL to remember the anniversary of his death (brother is useless with dates).

People have their own way of remembering loved ones. Each to their own. One person can't dictate the right way for everyone else.

But a real pity he couldn't answer your. Maybe he was caught up in end of year festivities.