To think my family are shit TW: unpleasant death

[GunpowderGelatine]

It's the sixth anniversary of my dad's death and I'm the only one who's remembered or cares I've taken my kids to the local park today and we wrote him a letter on that dissolvable paper and made it into a little boat and we let them float off. my mum (her and dad divorced when I was 1) rang me after that moaning on about something irrelevant like her cat digging in her soil, when I mentioned it's the anniversary of dad's death she just said "blimey that's gone quick" then started banging on about her cat again.

I've messaged my brother saying thinking of dad today etc and he read it but hasn't replied but has posted on Facebook just now about what a "mad sesh" it was last night and how he has awesome friends.

I know IABU and a little petulant but I feel like I'm the only one who gives a fuck. Dad died aged 52, unexpectedly, painfully and alone and me and DH found him on his living room floor covered in vomit and his own excrement. I was heavily pregnant at the time and me and DH were the only ones who dealt with the aftermath (including DH cleaning up bodily fluids) it seems my brother can just piss off into the sunset and let everyone else deal with the hard stuff and ignore everything while he skips away on "mad seshes" (he's 35 FFS grow up).

YANBU
I’m very sorry for your loss

The mother doesn’t have to mourn his death herself but she could show some compassion to her daughter who lost someone dear to her
Unless there’s a horrible backstory

I'm sorry for your loss. I would imagine it hits you that much harder given that you found him, and in those circumstances. I have to admit though that I would probably have reacted similar to your mum. I don't know how things were between them after they divorced but it's highly likely she doesn't care that much, and I don't mean that in a horrible way, just that he is an ex partner to her and it's not the same. Your brother probably also maybe doesn't think about it too much. I am like that too. It doesn't mean I don't, or didn't care, but once someone is gone, they're gone and I wouldn't actually want to remember the day they died. It's just different people see these things in different ways.

I'm afraid I agree with Bungleinthejungle. I've lost both parents and this year I lost a sibling. The anniversaries of their deaths pass me by (because I let them) but I will remember them in a more positive way on their birthdays.

I know everyone grieves differently and it sounds like you had an awful time when it happened, but perhaps it's time to adjust your outlook and also accept that some people (your brother anyway) are shit at this stuff.

OP I have learned the hard way that my family are pretty selfish and unpleasant and I expect nothing from them now so that I am not disappointed.

You do what you need to do and look after yourself.

I agree that everyone grieves differently. On the anniversary of my sibling's death I do not acknowledge it. I do not want to be reminded of it or think of it. I will talk about it sometimes when I am able but certainly not on anniversaries or birthdays. It doesn't mean I don't care.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having it all over Facebook. When anyone posts about my sibling on FB I hide it immediately. I do not want to see it.

I think your mother could have at least asked you how you were,that was bad.
I have lost my parents and I would probably be like your brother on their anniversaries. I keep busy because I don't want to remember that day that I lost them nor do I wish to mark it. They were the worst days of my life.
I try to remember my parents life and the good times not their deaths. Your brother may be the like that. Everyone grieves differently.
Sending hugs to you💐

I'm sorry for your loss and the way you've felt today. We have a very similar situation in our family where my husband and I acknowledge an anniversary but the rest of the family do not.

We respect their choice though and I think you need to do the same, even if you don't understand it.

I upset my Aunt by phoning on the anniversary of my Uncle's death, she didn't want the occasion acknowledged in any way.

We all grieve differently and whilst others may seem uncaring, I try to see it as their way of coping

It's a tough one, my dmil died this month 4 years ago and it's her birthday on Sunday, my dd is really upset again and no one seems bothered about acknowledging these anniversary's. As the dil don't think I can do much to change it we are having a drink in a local pub and have asked close family to join, most are to busy.

My Dh is obviously upset but I guess some people don't want to or can't acknowledge these things, next year I will do something like you have done and keep it to ourselves.
I am sorry for your loss it feels harder at Christmas.

I don’t think they’re unreasonable not to mark the day (or at least in the way you did)

However both were unkind not to ask how you were when you mentioned the anniversary

Everyone is different. My parents and other family members visit where my sister’s ashes are laid, I don’t but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I remember in my way, they remember in theirs.

I appreciate that your Mum was insensitive, and that it's very difficult when others seem to move on so much faster than you do. You went through something very traumatic and that's really hard to process.

However, I have a sister who uses every single possible excuse (birthday, anniversary, christmas day, the changing of the season, whatever) to trawl for asspats and sympathy on FB over the deaths of our Mum, Dad and brother. Brother died (suddenly and traumatically) over 11 years ago and I still have to hide her on FB at certain times of the year to avoid the drama and hysterics whilst she beats her breast in public and sobs dramatically whilst others comfort her.

It gets really old after a few years. It also upsets me, as I handle my grief in a much more private way. I can't bear that she's using three people I loved in this way to get attention. Perhaps your family think you're doing the same?

We all handle grief differently, and I think, for your own sake, you need to lower your expectations of your family members and focus on your own healing.

Your mother has done nothing wrong and neither have you. I choose not to mark anniversaries of deaths, because I want to remember happy times, not always thinking about what a sad thing happened on a particular date. I'd be really hacked off if after 6 years someone was insisting on reminding me to be sad on a particular date.

Don't lower your expectations - change them. Saying you should lower them somehow implies that what you do is better in some way than them. It's not the case, they just choose to deal with death differently.

I don’t think it’s about expecting others to grieve in the same way, or to mark anniversaries. But it’s not unreasonable to expect others to show a little respect or compassion.
OP I’ve been divorced for 18 years but if my ex died I would be very mindful of how my boys would feel, even though he wasn’t a nice husband.

Sometimes people don't know what to say but it doesn't mean they don't feel it. I don't always mention it on the anniversary of my sibling's death when I speak to my parents and likewise they might not, but they know that I've remembered and I know they have too and it hurts for all of us; it's just what do you say? We're more likely to mention it at other times, but we don't forget.
Focus on your own feelings and let others do (or not do) what suits them. No expectations and it's easier. They may well be remembering and caring the same amount, they just might not want to remember it with you. Grief's a personal thing.

I am sorry for your loss op, but yabVu. Grief isn't a one size fits all. My gran died nearly 20 years ago and whenever she's mentioned I have to change the subject, leave the room, think about something else, it still cuts that deep that she's not here. In private, with my own thoughts I'm screaming, externally I'm sure I appear very cold.

Sorry for your loss but YABU. My dad died 8 years ago very suddenly. When he died he’d been married to my mum for almost 40 years. We were both devastated. However after a couple of years we chose not to acknowledge the anniversary of his death it’s just not something we wanted to remember. Instead we celebrate his birthday and my mum celebrates their anniversary.
You clearly grieve in a different way but you cannot project this onto other people.

DH lost his dad 15 years ago.
His sister will do things to remember, DH doesn’t even know the date. He doesn’t love his dad any less than her.

My DM died a couple of years ago. Personally I don’t make the anniversary of her death a thing. I’d much prefer to celebrate her birthday than mourn her passing. That’s the way I am though. YANU to want to remember your Dad on that date, but YABU to expect everyone else to feel the same way.

I’m so sorry.

A few weeks ago it was the anniversary of the birth/death of my DS2 and only my best friend said anything. I don’t even know if anyone else even remembered. Yes they can all grieve in their own way etc but I do feel hurt that they didn’t think to contact me even in a small way. It’s lonely and painful and make me feel unloved. Which I know I’m not but still...

So many unmumnetty hugs for you.

Your way nor theirs is wrong. You all choose to acknowledge it or not in a which which suits you. So don’t be upset that theirs is different to yours.