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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want someone to talk to now.

54 replies

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 14:41

I have been through the most agonising personal difficulties over the last 3 days. They are linked to something else and I have been trying to find a counsellor to help. Today I have rung 20 counsellors most of who have no vacancies, some have not rung back and others have no vacancies to see me til mid January. Quite happy to pay whatever it costs can anyone recommend an immediate source of support, just while I'm finding it so difficult.

OP posts:

Jenala · 21/12/2018 14:43

Call the Samaritans. People think it's for when you're feeling suicidal but it's not, it's to talk about specific current problems.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us/what-happens-when-you-contact-us

Hope you feel better soon op

marvellousnightforamooncup · 21/12/2018 14:54

I hope you feel better. Whether you post on here or ring the Samaritans someone will be on hand to listen. I hope you get the help you need.

Original poster

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 15:00

I'm afraid one of the reasons I'm feeling so desperate was the response I got when I posted on here. So many nasty people who didn't understand my agony. I tried Samaritans before when I had a miscarriage and found them utterly useless.

OP posts:

supergrains · 21/12/2018 15:03

My could give Samaritans another go op as it will most likely be a different person who answers your call.

Foslady · 21/12/2018 15:04

Have you tried looking at online counselling? Might help in the interim

RobotOverlord · 21/12/2018 15:05

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I, and a couple of other people I know, have used betterhelp.com with really good results in the past. It's not especially cheap, but you should be able to get in touch with someone pretty quickly. I hope you feel better soon

TeddybearBaby · 21/12/2018 15:10

PM me if you like. I’m a counsellor x

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2018 15:13

Samaritans do emails to. I wonder if that would be more helpful to you at the moment?

KittyClaus · 21/12/2018 15:14

I remember your post from a couple of days ago, although I think there have been developments in deleted posts that I’ve missed.

I’m sorry that you felt posters in the original thread didn’t understand your pain. For what it’s worth, I think most people were being negative about the man involved and his behaviour.

I hope you find somewhere for help and comfort and things get easier, and that the new year heralds a new beginning for you. I have no doubt you can do better.

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 21/12/2018 15:16

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so dreadful, OP, and that you didn't get the help you wanted here. I don't know your other thread, but sometimes it's worth posting in a different topic, (eg mental health?), or just on a different day and time, as responses can vary enormously. I think you need to say in your OP how especially fragile you're feeling and ask people to be kind - hopefully (most) people will respect that when replying.

I think things always seem even worse at this time of year too, (in my experience).

I second trying the Samaritans again for a different person. You could also ring your GP to see if they've got an appointment left today, or ask that the GP call you back urgently. Do tell them you're feeling desperate.

Original poster

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 15:39

I just wish I had a true friend I could talk to about this, but the nature of the problem is that I can't share it with anyone I know. I have an hour of agony now when there might be some better news, probably not. What I want doesn't make sense and so I can't understand why I want it, but it hurts so much. I'm going to write myself a long note of good sense and try to make it sink in.

OP posts:

BlackBeltInPresentWrapping · 21/12/2018 15:47

Sounds like a good idea. The old adage 'you can't help your feelings, but you can help what you do about them' is true, I find. Also, remember, every storm will pass - most of them really do, it's true. You won't feel like this forever, OP, I can at least promise you that. Take care.

Original poster

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 15:56

Thank you kittyclaus. I had discovered that J, who i had been in a relationship of sorts with for 8 years, and who I loved and thought he did love me was behaving oddly and lieing about his whereabouts. In summary he told me he had had a short term and much regretted relationship with a second OW, starting in September and ending in October. He gave me details of how he was cutting her out of his life and was very derogatory about her.It all sounded a bit fishy to me and especially so when he told me he had to take her out to lunch today because otherwise she might tell his wife.

I found a way to contact her as I was sure he was not giving me correct information. I discovered that they had been having a full on affair for 3 years. he had told her about me but just that we were friends. She said they loved each other ( she lives very close by him)
That was all pretty bad but last night she rang me and wants me to end any contact with him so she can have a clear run.

The reason everyone hates me is that I appear a total idiot to be involved in this. He is 71, in poor health and has the same peculiar habits in bed with her as he had with me. Everything, including a recently shared fantasy was exactly the same with her.

I should be thinking she is welcome to him, he has lied and cheated us both. Of course he and i have to accept responsibility for the first tier infidelity too.

Today they are out for their special Christmas lunch. I have worked out where they have gone and it is very special and very megabucks.

I totally need my head examined.i thought there was no way I would want him back but he said he understood he was persona non gratis but could I go out to lunch when I feel better (darling)? I just can't get my head round this i have sat crying at my desk all day. Please don't be too unkind to me.

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/12/2018 16:09

Oh no OP ..I am so sorry you are feeling like this,,its a rotten stunt to have to deal with...I share the view that you deserve so much better than this,Your only option of peace is to let him go,,get rid of him,Why would you allow someone to treat you this badly? I think what might help you would be what would YOU advise a friend who was in a similar position? To get rid of the pain I would write a letter to them both and get all your hurt out..it will exhaust you but allow you to say all you want then tear it up or burn it ,,dont send just clear your mind.I wish you the best of luck moving forward the shock must be unimaginally painful to deal with...

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/12/2018 16:18

What are you hoping the outcome will be OP?

Jackshouse · 21/12/2018 16:19

When you say 2nd other women does that mean you are the 1st other women? No judgement just asking.

It is a shit time of year to find out something like this. For now I would try and focus on doing nurturing things for yourself. Little walks every day, nice food, crap TV a good book etc.

One thing I will say about counselling is that a big part of it is holding a mirror up to yourself and you may not like all that you see. Counselling can be amazing but is is all very hard.

KittyClaus · 21/12/2018 17:07

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to read this, but he sounds like an utter shit. I know you are familiar with him and he is comfortable but there is so much about him that is unpleasant and unkind and frankly unattractive. You can definitely do better. Shut him out of your life and strongly as you can and make 2019 a new start. Leave this other poor deluded woman with him. What a mess, especially as she lives so close by it's inevitable his wife will find out and the whole thing will be a clusterfuck.

Original poster

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 18:53

Thank you all. I have booked some counselling for January,took me half the day to find someone. I spoke to OW1 earlier,she is sticking my him and says they love each other. He bought her naughty lingerie for Christmas and he got me a book of articles from the spectator. Nuf said.

OP posts:

Foslady · 21/12/2018 19:48

Even though it hurts like hell now, you know that you are worth far more than what he has been giving you. Leave them to it - they deserve each other, you deserve some better

SilverySurfer · 21/12/2018 22:02

If he has been happy to cheat on his DW with you (as you have been happy to cheat on your DH) for the past eight years, is it really a surprise that he has now cheated on you?

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2018 22:06

I'm not sure what you're hoping for here op, I recall your initial thread and am quite shocked you're now on here saying you're feeling desperate Because of the responses on mumsnet.

Original poster

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 23:28

Not the considered responses but the constant abuse. It was really horrible this afternoon to hear OW 2 saying how he was remorseful and she would take him back. Her partner left her for another woman when her children were very small. She says she loves him so much. Yesterday he told me he didn't love anyone but his wife but today he has told her he loves her. I just feel terrible.

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2018 03:29

So many nasty people who didn't understand my agony OP come on. Don't change facts. They weren't nasty.

They wouldn't give you the sympathy you wanted because they didn't agree with you that you had a right to give your married lover an ultimatum over his "cheating" on you with a third person, while you were also cheating on your partner.

Marcipex · 22/12/2018 03:53

I'm so sorry OP. I think it's true to say we can't understand others pain until we've walked in their shoes.
This man seems to have you, and how many others, on a string.
I think it's good advice , to ask yourself what you would say to a friend in similar circumstances.

steff13 · 22/12/2018 06:40

This man is 71 years old and has a wife and two mistresses, am I reading that correctly?

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