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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want someone to talk to now.

54 replies

NotGoodieTwoShoes · 21/12/2018 14:41

I have been through the most agonising personal difficulties over the last 3 days. They are linked to something else and I have been trying to find a counsellor to help. Today I have rung 20 counsellors most of who have no vacancies, some have not rung back and others have no vacancies to see me til mid January. Quite happy to pay whatever it costs can anyone recommend an immediate source of support, just while I'm finding it so difficult.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 22/12/2018 06:51

I'm lost Confused

Wallywobbles · 22/12/2018 07:24

I think part of the pain is he should feel lucky to have you and he doesn't. He feels he's entitled to even more and is keeping his options open for all.

Really the correct emotional response would be to pity her. He's not going to be exclusive with her or anyone. He's already said he won't leave his wife. He's old and fairly decrepit and just around the corner from needy an arse wiper not a lover. And clearly he's lying to you both and you're both fighting to keep him.

Monty27 · 22/12/2018 07:30

Marking place

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2018 08:46

I'm lost

To summarise, the op is married, this bloke is married, she met him once every three months for sex. He has started a relationship with a local woman and they love each other. The op is hurt about it as she would have liked it to be her.

I think,,,

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2018 09:16

This man is 71 years old and has a wife and two mistresses, am I reading that correctly? Yes.

differentnameforthis · 22/12/2018 09:17

And op just found out that he has been seeing OW#2 for three years. And gives her more time then he does the op.

BusterGonad · 22/12/2018 09:17

Op, does it ever cross you mind how your partner (husband?) would feel like if he knew all of this? I'm struggling to believe that you are actually 60+ .

Original poster
NotGoodieTwoShoes · 22/12/2018 11:11

Yes,not good. Mr 71 says he hasn't,t had sex with his wife for nearly 22 years, as they married after that he says marriage not consummated. I don't know if this is credible.

OP posts:
Theunsungsong · 22/12/2018 11:18

It's probably about as credible as everything else he has told you.

Frozenteatowel · 22/12/2018 11:23

I’m not sure how you can believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He’s a serial cheat (aka as a total liar). He’s not happy to cheat with one woman but wants multiple. What exactly is his appeal? New year new start. Get rid of this sleepy man. This isn’t a loving, respectful relationship. It started out with lies by its very nature and has carried on that way. He is incapable of doing anything but lie. Too many people involved, too much hurt and rivalry. No happiness can come from such a mess.

Frozenteatowel · 22/12/2018 11:23

Sleazy not sleepy!

Original poster
NotGoodieTwoShoes · 22/12/2018 11:56

Everything you are telling me is true. Ow2's attitude is skewing my mind. She has forgiven him and has been "rewarded". Now he wants us to meet up to talk about it. This year my mother has died, a very dear friend has died and a fortnight ago we were burgled with precious stuff stolen, now ths. Looking at the on line stress charts I'm surprised i haven't gone totally ( insert any inappropriate word about zero mental health). The counsellor said on the phone this is another bereavement it feels like that.

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 22/12/2018 12:02

Well this certainly sounds like the start of a family saga book!

swingofthings · 22/12/2018 12:07

She has forgiven him and has been "rewarded
I hope the counsellor will make you realise that tbidls guy is no reward at all! What makes him so attractive that you'd feel so desperate to have lost such a despicable man.

You'll feel better when you'll start to be honest with yourself about who you are and the pain you might be inflicting with your lies which are no different to the way he is treating you.

Not meant to upset you, the tone is kind. I hope you do find peace within yourself with the help of the counsellor.

Zoflorabore · 22/12/2018 12:33

Thanks for those who clarified!

Op- you won't find much sympathy here regarding what you are doing.
Sympathy for feeling down? Maybe but you need to have some self respect, end it with your actual partner as you're clearly not into him and stop being so available to the other man. What on earth is so attractive about him that he's got 3 women on the go?
is he loaded?

Frozenteatowel · 22/12/2018 12:47

Do not meet up. No good can come from any of this. Go cold turkey. Block him on phone, Facebook, email etc. He will beg and do whatever it takes to get you back on track because he sounds like he needs the ego boost/thrills from doing so. Don’t be that person. If you are unhappy in your marriage then make plans to leave for both you and your husbands sakes. Try life without a man for a while. Concentrate on other things. You don’t need to live this way. It, is and will carry on, wrecking you as well as your husband. The guy you are having an affair with sounds a total tossed in many ways. Just toying with women and playing them off against each other like some low rent Hugh Hefner.

BusterGonad · 22/12/2018 13:00

I agree, focus on what you can do to fix your marriage or end it, you are being unfair to your husband and yourself! You do not need this asshole in your life, he is toying with you and he sounds like he's loving it too!

CheshireChat · 22/12/2018 13:25

Why on earth do you seem to know exactly what he's doing with the OW, particularly in bed?!

I really think you need to block her as well so you can start healing.

pantomaam · 22/12/2018 20:10

Agree with others. What is so amazing about this man? He's a cheat and a liar.

Put distance between you and him and his other women. Move on. Life's too short.

YoungLennyGodber · 22/12/2018 20:29

I’m sorry you’re so unhappy, but this is totally self-inflicted. You’ve been cheating on your husband for years and now you’re playing the victim?

Hayles88 · 22/12/2018 20:41

I'm sorry you feel a little down, really you have bought this upon yourself. No one on your previous thread was rude or mean to you, they were honest and full of advice.

This "man" is the issue but you are responsible for your own actions, you are married. You are a grown up. You are acting like a love sick teenager. He's a waste of space cheating left, right and centre. Quite frankly you all need to grow up.

I'm sorry you feel so down and if it is that bad please call samaritans. They can listen to you. I hope you heal and get yourself out of this clusterfuck.

Hayles88 · 22/12/2018 20:46

You and OW2 are equally wastes of spaces. I don't want others thinking I condone your grim behaviour. Your poor husband and this cunts wife. They're the ones that needs counselling. The 3 of you need to sort yourselves out.

FurryDogMother · 22/12/2018 20:48

I read your previous thread. I'm no saint myself (well, I have been for the past 22 years, but before that, not so much), so I shan't judge you. I feel a lot of sympathy for you and your situation - but agree with others that your best way forward is to cut all contact with the man. I know it will hurt, and I know it'll be difficult, but really, it's the only way to avoid even more hurt in the future. Please give it a go, for your own sake.

BlueNeighbourhood · 22/12/2018 21:52

This can’t be real, a 71 year old letahrio with a wife and two mistresses who buys his lovely underwear for mistress 2 and indulges in sexual fantasies yet is in poor health - surely if that’s the case he should be being cared for by his actual wife and not gallivanting off to a wine bar. Where does his wife think he is when he’s with you and the other mistress? That’s a lot of time for him to have unaccounted for.

There’s so many people that’s going to be hurt in this, and I can’t believe a man of that age who is decrepit and in need of care is such a good looking charming man that he pulls any woman he wants. It’s all just very.....odd and like something from Eastenders.

isitisitwicked · 22/12/2018 23:21

I haven't read the whole thread but there is an app called better health that might help. You can speak to someone as soon as you sign up I think