Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my brother not to come for Xmas bad personal hygiene

64 replies

sorrymissjacksonn · 21/12/2018 14:00

So my brother is 40 he's never had a job constantly gambles instead of buying food he gambles it. His house is dark and dirty he has no friends doesn't go out.

He's now staying at my mums until after Christmas as he has no money or gas and electric I'm hosting Christmas at ours this year my first time owning my own home so I'm very excited.

Don't want to sound snobby because I'm really not but I've got brand new furniture and he stinks really bad. I told mum to invite him at the start but I seen him today and he stunk he's stunk my mums living room out from sleeping on the sofa.

She said he hasn't washed since he's been at hers she went out and brought him boxers and a toothbrush he hasn't even used them.

OH said he doesn't want him their if he's gonna stink which is fair enough.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 21/12/2018 14:03

Your db sounds in a very bad place op.

Avrannakern · 21/12/2018 14:04

Your mum should be doing something. He's an adult but he's still her son and he's in her house. It's time for the "wash or get out" chat.

He knows how dirty he is. He knows he smells. So don't worry about offending him. If he cared about offending people, then he'd wash but he doesn't.

Tell him he is not invited unless he has washed fully in a shower, including hair and parts you can't see. He must be wearing clean clothes and have brushed his teeth properly. If he does those things then he can come in. If he doesn't then he will not be allowed in your home.

Be very clear.

If he's depressed then send him to the doctor in January. But it sounds like he just doesn't give a shit.

CatnissEverdene · 21/12/2018 14:08

He must be very depressed OP.

Perhaps trying to arrange some support for him might be a little more caring at Christmas.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2018 14:10

Your brother sounds desperately depressed

DonkeysEars · 21/12/2018 14:12

:( Poor guy

Have a little compassion

Nanalisa60 · 21/12/2018 14:14

Well it Christmas and it your brother!! Tell him you would love to see him on Christmas Day !! But as your his sister u can just tell him as it
Is!! bath/ shower and clean cloths!! Because u are smelling !!Say to your mum your will go half on the clean cloths. If he says no then you say no!! Sometimes when u are down u just need a push in the wright direction!! Don’t forget to tell him you love him and it upsets you and mum to see him in such a mess as he is still so important to you both!!

Sickenedbychristmaspud · 21/12/2018 14:14

Tough love here is the order of the day sorry but why should you suffer at xmas tell him straight have a shower or don't bother coming

LittleLongDog · 21/12/2018 14:17

Does he have mental health issues? I think you need to have a chat with him and lay it out for him: everyone is expected to keep clean in the company of others. Which means showering, brushing your teeth and wearing clean clothes.

Original poster
sorrymissjacksonn · 21/12/2018 14:19

We're not very close never have been as we have like a 17 year gap.
I'm going to tell my mum to tell him when I drop her back he hasn't even got any clean clothes at my mums so I don't know how he's even going to wash them.

He's had a lot of help my dad got him this flat lovely new build and it's disgusting now you wouldn't even believe it was the same place.

But if he wants to gamble what can we do.

OP posts:
PristineCondition · 21/12/2018 14:22

Good will to all men... except the ones that you don’t like...

diddl · 21/12/2018 14:26

If you don't want him there then I assume that your mum won't be with you either?

It's a hard one as he does sound ill, but it's not up to you to fix him.

EhlanaOfElenia · 21/12/2018 14:27

Oh come off it, he may well be in a bad place, but the OP isn't responsible for putting up with this nonsense.

OP, if you want to do something, make sure he has some clean clothes, if you have to go and buy him some clothes (doesn't have to be expensive) and tell him that he needs to shower and dress in clean clothes, to come and spend Christmas at yours. If he doesn't shower and dress in clean clothes, then he can't come.

You are well within your rights to set boundaries as to what is appropriate and what isn't. Coming face to face with what is expected of him socially might be the push that he needs.

Hmmmbiscuits · 21/12/2018 14:28

He sounds depressed and in need of help, but you can't be expected to eat around him if he hasn't washed for weeks. You should tell him you would like him to come, but only if he washes properly and changes his clothes and explain why.

Unfortunately for your brother, we have to do things like keeping ourselves clean for the sake of our mental and physical well-being and because we care about the affect of our hygeine on other people. It isn't helping him by not being honest as if he is going to get a job, partner and have children one day he will need to do these things.

It does sound like he needs some kind of intervention, particularly with his gambling addiction.

Original poster
sorrymissjacksonn · 21/12/2018 14:29

Yeah my mums having Christmas with us she's helping me cook she said she has already told him he has to wash and he said can't we just have dinner here (at my mums)
My mum told him no and he said he's not coming then but apparently he said he's going to come now.

He's just like a big baby it's so frustrating!

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 21/12/2018 14:31

Mental health issues or not, the OP can chose whether or not she wants to invite him. It’s socially unacceptable to smell so bad you can stink a sofa out.

Jaxhog · 21/12/2018 14:31

Tell him he is not invited unless he has washed fully in a shower, including hair and parts you can't see. He must be wearing clean clothes and have brushed his teeth properly. If he does those things then he can come in. If he doesn't then he will not be allowed in your home.

You need to be honest with him. He will probably feel better for having done this too.

redexpat · 21/12/2018 14:31

You could give him the choice. You are welcome to come to us at christmas but your body odour is not.

nicoala1 · 21/12/2018 14:32

Sounds to me like he might be hapy to stay home at mums house alone and play station/gamble all day etc. Check out what HE wants to do. Everyone is different.

If he is happy to go to yours, get mum to make sure he is clean and presentable.

You cannot really be expected to tolerate that kind of self neglect on Christmas Day. Your mum should be calling him out really.

I am guessing he is suffering from some kind of illness, bless him. But leave the decision to him. Stay at mums, or come to yours clean and in clean clothes. Sounds very harsh, but sometimes a wake up call is needed.

I still think he would be ok staying alone at mums, no pressure etc.

After Christmas if you can as a family, encourage him to get help, if he doesn't want to do that, well there's not much more you can do really.

EhlanaOfElenia · 21/12/2018 14:32

Stay calm, be gentle towards him, but stay firm and resolute. He is welcome, you want him to come, but he MUST have a shower and dress in clean clothes. Don't be tempted to deliver Christmas food to him. He needs to get up and do something.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/12/2018 14:33

It's all very well people judging but they aren't going to help the OP clean her stinky house.

It sounds like he needs some tough love and a trip to the GPs for his mental health.

Moominfan · 21/12/2018 14:34

Op you have my sympathy. Mental health issues can make people very selfish. Hope he gets help and one day your both on better terms. In the interim could you be the bigger person, let him know how much you'd love him to tidy himself up for Christmas so you can all enjoy the day

userschmoozer · 21/12/2018 14:35

You don't help people by enabling them. I'd get the mental health team involved and try to get him into hospital.
Family have tried to help him and it hasn't worked, its time to get some expert help.

LittleLongDog · 21/12/2018 14:35

Why not message him rather than make your mum do it all?
“Hi. Just wanted to let you know you’re very welcome here for Christmas but that we do expect you to be clean for everyone’s comfort. Hope you can manage that xx”

heather1 · 21/12/2018 14:36

A few year back my DF was very depressed. He stopped washing, brushing his teeth etc. He stank. Like you can’t believe, it was awful. I was hosting Christmas that year. DM has never been able to get DF to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
So I called him. I explained I was looking forward to seeing him and asked if there was anything he wanted me to get him foodwise for Christmas Day. Then I politely explained that he needed to have a bath and a thorough wash and brush his teeth before he came to stay. And that if he didn’t i would be unable to cook him any food no that I would ask him to leave. Because of the impact on my DS and DH and the other guests.
So he arrived with DM and was, as I expected stinking - I don’t know how she drove down with him in the car next to her tbh.
Anyway he came in and I relalised he hadn’t washed and I politely explained that I couldn’t have him here or cook for him unless he cleaned himself up. He went off moaning and grumbling but had a bath etc.
So you could try that. It’s not an unreasonable expectation that a guest is clean and presentable. My Dad was very depressed but he was still capable of washing himself.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/12/2018 14:36

If you can afford it possibly get him a new outfit of clothes and some toiletries as an early Christmas present and tell him he can come on the condition that he showers and wears the new clothes?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread