To tell my brother not to come for Xmas bad personal hygiene

[sorrymissjacksonn]

So my brother is 40 he's never had a job constantly gambles instead of buying food he gambles it. His house is dark and dirty he has no friends doesn't go out.

He's now staying at my mums until after Christmas as he has no money or gas and electric I'm hosting Christmas at ours this year my first time owning my own home so I'm very excited.

Don't want to sound snobby because I'm really not but I've got brand new furniture and he stinks really bad. I told mum to invite him at the start but I seen him today and he stunk he's stunk my mums living room out from sleeping on the sofa.

She said he hasn't washed since he's been at hers she went out and brought him boxers and a toothbrush he hasn't even used them.

OH said he doesn't want him their if he's gonna stink which is fair enough.

I'm not being unreasonable am I?

Can you not go round and talk to him. I have seasonal depression and I didn't shower for 5 days I just went from the the bed to the sofa. I was just stuck in a bad place. He needs to get to a doctor but first why not just tell him that he needs try and have a shower. I understand why you don't want him stinking up the house but excluding him on Christmas Day isn't fair.

He doesn't have a phone no social media I can't message him.
I'm not close to him as I said we had a huge age gap I just say hi and bye really.

He wasn't very nice to me when I was little sold my Nintendo DS to gamble

But I'd still rather him be here than have Christmas on his own. Mum got him some new stuff and he opened his new clothes for Christmas early still hasn't put them on.

Mum said he was brushing his beard over the sink and left all his dry skin in the sink I really can't have that at mine.

I wouldn't have him in my house in that state either. I agree with those who say tell him the boundaries clearly: he enters washed, toothbrushed and in clean clothes or he doesn't enter at all.

There are always people on this site ready to get up on their hind legs about But Faaaaaamily, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do for family is not put up with their shit.

You are not being unreasonable.

You don't have to ruin your Christmas just because this guy has ruined his life.

If he gets fed and watered where's his motivation to change.

Give him the gift of personal responsibility: tell him you'll consider inviting him into your home next Christmas if he can pull himself together over the next 12 months.

OP - quoting something written by another poster:

It's not necessary for you to rescue someone in order that they can recover.

Nobody can change your DB other than your DB and you normalising his behaviour and pretending everything is OK won't improve matters.

I'm sure a number of us have lived with addicts of one sort or another for a substantial part of our lives and there is little you can do apart from refuse to collaborate in the story they tell themselves that everything is OK and their behaviour is acceptable.

It's not necessary for you to rescue someone in order that they can recover.

Bloody good point. Or, in the words of Alice Sebold, "No one saves anybody else. You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

I will just add too that I have worked with people with MH problems, and I have had to be honest with people about their hygeine, as we have had to escort them and transport companies/local buses have refused to accept them due to the effect of their hygeine on other people. It has took a bit of persuading, but once they have had a wash and changed clothes they are completely different and I think they have seen the benefits.

I think really your mum needs to be firmer with him - a wash is for life, not just for Christmas! Now that he's at your mum's, it is an opportunity to get him in to a pattern of self care and she should lay down some rules and explain to him the effect of not washing on everyone else in the house. It sounds harsh, but the act of taking care of yourself is the first step in moving forward in life. It may well be that he just decides to stay at home, but at least you've tried. Is he on any medication for depression? If he is, it could be that it isn't working for him.

From all your posts on this thread OP you have said that despite efforts he just doesn't want to engage. If he was wanting to join in a feeling depressed I would meet him half way but if as you say it's like having an overgrown baby then why support a bad situation.

Undoubtedly he does have a problem but he has to want to engage and improve and help himself. You and your mum and dad have already done loads but if someone just doesn't want to think about themselves let alone anyone else.

I'd say no it will spoil your day.

In a way, it's actually kinder because he will have to do something if you are not there and if he still doesn't want to then why run yourself and your home into the ground trying. You would have nothing to feel guilty about on Christmas Day. You have tried already and you are not the only one.

I say this all with kindness.

Don't tell him not to come, tell him to shower. Tell him directly. Don't infantilise him by sending messages through your mum.

If he arrives and hasn't give him a towel and point him to the bathroom.

It sounds like he is not in a good place. But tolerating something that makes him physically unpleasant / impossible to be around is not helping him either. Like a previous poster said, people can be depressed and still wash.

He does sound very depressed and being excluded at Xmas is really not going to help. I would put the ball back in his court - tell him you would love to see him but he can only come round if he showers and wears clean clothes. It sounds like he is in a place mentally where he would rather stay at home and shut everyone out so the chances are he will use it as an excuse not to come anyway

You don't have to have him but i would in your shoes. I would put a throw on the couch and wash it when he is gone. I have a stinky brother too. He has mental health issues but he is also lazy and doesn't care about hygiene. We will have him over Xmas, aside from the fact that he really has no where else to go, I am trying to show my DC the importance of family. Also they talk about charity in school and encourage sharing and thinking of those less fortunate than ourselves, well imo charity begins at home.

I just don't want everyone else to feel uncomfortable because of the smell my mum said it smells like wee and b.o!

Apparently he's going home to wash so we will see fingers crossed.

I'd either tell him myself or get my Mum to tell him that he has to be clean and wear clean clothes on xmas day. If he doesn't then he will be asked to leave. He sounds in a bad place and needs help, but its not fair if everyone else is made to feel uncomfortable because of his BO.
If hes undecided or being a pain then I'd not have him and direct him instead to a mental health drop in.

Addictions meant that as a child and through to young adulthood I never once had a Christmas that wasn't full of raised emotions and some degree of violence and emotional/psychological coercion. I'd imagine that's quite common. So - there's a lot of collateral damage that happens and from the fact that it was repeated from one family event to the next, normalising it by collaborating with the people with addictions never once seems to have nudged someone towards sobriety (from whatever addiction).

It's frustrating, but will he wash if prompted to? I used to work on a liver ward, and a lot of the patients had addiction problems like drinking, drugs, gambling etc, which seems to go along with self neglect sadly. The best way in my experience is to be firm and straight to the point, as in your mum say "It's been a while and you've started to pong a bit, you need to get in the shower and have a good scrub, I've left a towel and some clean clothes in the bathroom, there's some deodorant in there too, don't forget to put some on".

You have my sympathy. My FIL smells and he does actually make the room he is in smell too. For that reason I don't want him staying overnight at Xmas. We are having a family meal on Xmas eve in the evening and then on Xmas day. Some guests are staying overnight but we have not invited him to stay as the only place he could sleep would be the living room and I don't want it to smell horrible in the living room room in the morning and on the rest of Xmas day.

Too bad for him. We will have him for the meals but not to stay overnight.

Desperately depressed people do struggle to wash sometimes, even if they know they smell, and they're deeply ashamed. I agree that he should get help. That doesn't mean he shouldn't be (firmly, if needed) reminded about basic level self-care, like washing. Ideally by someone close to him, who loves him, and kindly. If he's closer to your parents, maybe they're the people to do that.

My DH finds showering a huge effort when he's very depressed. It can feel quite absurd to hand a towel and shove a grown man into the bathroom with a cheery but determined "Time for a shower! No, right now! You can do it! You're starting to smell!" but while it's taxing for him, he admits he usually feels a bit better himself, too, afterwards.

When you know he is with your mum, you could try to call her and ask to speak to him, seeing as he doesn't have his own phone.

Tell him straight, that you care for him despite the history, and that you know it's hard for him to force himself to do it, but that it would be a wonderful Christmas present to you and your family of he would have a wash and put clean clothes on so you can have a family Christmas with him.

I have had a few friends who have either not washed themselves and/or their clothes properly, or at all. Often much larger people. I'm now a larger person and am paranoid about it, my partner is larger than I am and sometimes he gets that awful smell and it sticks to whatever is worn, whatever is sat or laid on, it's awful.

You've got this x

Your brother sounds ill. We took the hard-ish line with my brother last year (drugs problems rather than not washing). He died a few weeks later. I think it's fair to say that knowing what we know now we'd do anything to change the way things turned out.

If you don't want your brother in your house that's your decision, but tell him yourself don't delegate it to your poor mum.

I had an ex who was like this. He wasn't depressed at all, just wasn't remotely bothered about personal hygiene. Every time he came over the smell would linger, talking about it made no difference. Ignored the toothbrush I got him, and the towels I put out so he could shower. Hence him being an ex... absolute dealbreaker.

Just wanted to pop in and re-state to the OP that you don't have to have any body in your house if you don't want them there whether you're related to them or not and regardless of who asked you to host them.

It's your Christmas in your house - and I hope you have a good one.

"But if he wants to gamble what can we do."

Stop enabling him by propping him up.

As said, be honest. If you don't wash, people don't want you around.

But that applies to housing and food, while he doesn't need to get help, because he hasn't dropped to rock bottom, he won't.

YANBU not to want him stinking out your house. He sounds messed up, and it is sometimes hard for someone in a bad way mentally to motivate themselves even to do the small tasks of maintaining basic hygiene, but he will feel so much better for it.

I have seen this before op. A former colleague started gambling and staying up all night. It began with poker with friends. I never really noticed until another colleague said he resembled shaggy from scooby-do - harsh but true. He was a gambling addict and nothing else mattered and lost his business which had had major contracts.

He stunk in the end and reeked of alcohol. The CEO even gave him extra time in the mornings to come in a bit later and make sure he had showered. Nothing worked. He is in the grip of addiction and needs support.

That said op, I couldnt put up with this in my house over christmas. It will drag everyone down. I take it you are just inviting him for the meal, but you must tell your mum that he must wash and change his clothes. It is at a stage where you cannot worry about offending. Good luck.

You don't help people by enabling them. I'd get the mental health team involved and try to get him into hospital.

Gambling, depression and poor hygiene won’t get a hospital place