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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve just kicked my husband out...

83 replies

justaminutedarling · 20/12/2018 23:15

And there’s nobody I can tell
My dd witnessed a horrible argument this evening and all I can think is she must never see anything like that again but he’ll never stop lying and having pathetic little secrets. AIBU to destroy our amazing (on paper) life because I think I’m worth more than being lied too? I’m wrapping presents as if nothing has happened tonight - feeling so numb

OP posts:
RangeRider · 21/12/2018 14:09

Well, aren't you a wonderful human being for booting someone whilst they're down.
She doesn't sound too down to me. Her DD on the other hand might have the worst Christmas of her life. Whose feelings should be most important?

Everanewbie · 21/12/2018 14:10

I understand what some posters are saying, i.e. depends on what he lied about etc. however please spare the vitriol. Perhaps you could gently suggest that the op supplies more detail in order that you give a fair opinion without undertones of accusation. The OP is clearly vulnerable at the moment. I'm not saying lets all call the man a bastard and agree that the op is 100% correct, but it wouldn't hurt to be sympathetic and gentle

Nanalisa60 · 21/12/2018 14:29

The week before Christmas can be a very highly charged time of the year!! We are all surpose to be the perfect family ( not many are) I would just get the next two weeks over try and be calm then decide what to do in January!! If then you think that you would be better without you partner then sit down and try and work out the best split that you can between you!! Remember January is the busys month for lawyers!! Maybe in a few weeks time things will look better and you may decide to work things out!! Only you and your partner can decide that not Mumsnet!!

BlueJay1 · 21/12/2018 15:59

How are you feeling today. Hope you are managing to stay strong.
Not sure if you've told your dd yet. But I don't see why you need to tell her anything for certain yet, until you have figured it all out. I'd probably say ' Daddy is having a few days away, he'll give you a call this evening'. Or something similar, while you decide how to proceed.

Best of luck to you - you're reasons for leaving him are legitimate, no trust in a relationship is horrible. Onwards and upwards!

JinglingHellsbells · 22/12/2018 07:54

I think OP that unless your partner has done something utterly awful, like murder, then whatever it is could have waited till after Xmas before you decided to split up.

It is really a time to put your child first. As adults you ought to be able to button your lips and at least keep things stable, when it's 3 days to Christmas. It is going to be a very sad time for your child.

And your partner? Is he homeless? Where is he going?

Lelly0503 · 22/12/2018 08:05

@jingling you need higher standards if that’s how low you set the bar in relationships. The OP DD’s is old enough to understand and may be relieved that her argumentative dad is out of the picture for Christmas.

gamerchick · 22/12/2018 08:12

There isnt really enough to go on to agree with the OP or not. Her 'pathetic little secret' worthy of kicking someone out might be our no big deal.

He could like a wank for eg and is forbidden from doing it as has been seen on here multiple times. Is that kicking out worthy?

Whatever it is OP I hope you're alright and the bairn enjoys her show.

ferntwist · 22/12/2018 08:18

What were the secrets OP, can you give us an idea? Hop you and DD are feeling okay today.

JinglingHellsbells · 22/12/2018 08:29

Lelly0503

You ARE joking aren't you?

I've got very very high standards. Which is why I think a child's Xmas and their emotions comes before their mum's feelings over her marriage.

It's completely selfish to 'kick out a husband' days before Xmas when they have a child, unless he's broken the law or done something completely dreadful.

And the age of the child is irrelevant. Even adult children would be upset if their parents split on 21 Dec and were expecting a family Christmas.

You're talking nonsense.

TheHauntedFishtank · 22/12/2018 08:29

Hope you’re ok this morning OP. I would suggest asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships where you’re likely to get the good advice with fewer arseholes piling in for the sake of it. I’m happy to ask for it to be moved on your behalf. Best of luck to you daughter today Flowers

Lelly0503 · 22/12/2018 09:25

Jingling why would I be joking? We have no idea of the OPs situation with her husband but to say unless he murdered someone she should just accept the poor treatment is not right. It’s not her fault he chose Christmas to act like a shit.

Lweji · 22/12/2018 09:29

Yes, it's often at emotionally charged times that people decide to break up. But the OP should keep going until everything seems less serious and keep putting up with a bad marriage because there's never a good time to end it.

Teateaandmoretea · 22/12/2018 09:44

You don't have to explain yourself OP.

I think lying doesn't sound good, but 'little secrets' depends on what they are and the context. I've been with DH for 21 years and I don't tell him everything, my mind is my own. For example a friend confided something in me told me not to tell anyone and then seemed surprised when he didn't know about it. I was Confused (it had nothing to do with him at all, if it did then that would be different) as apparently some couples expect their partners to tell them everything...... I couldn't live like that personally.

JinglingHellsbells · 22/12/2018 09:57

@Lelly503
You don't know what the lies are any more than any of us here.
On the one hand you say she ought to ask him to go, on the other you admit you don't know the reasons. She has not said he chose to lie at Christmas and be a shit now; she said it was a long series of lies.

Unless he has been abusing the OP and her child or being violent I can't see why she can't wait for a few days.

The argument that her child will thank her for this is misjudged. It's assuming the child will take her mum's side.

IME children do not react like this. My take on it is that this child - unless it's a situation of violence- will always hate Xmas as she will look back and remember it as a time when daddy left.

It's a really cruel thing to do and as adults we ought to muster some self control and put the child first.

Lweji · 22/12/2018 10:05

The OP didn't kick him out on Christmas day. And the first Christmas without dad will always be difficult, regardless.
If the child witnesses their parents at loggerheads they are likely to understand why the break-up and not welcome an emotionally charged holiday with their parents at war anyway. They don't have to take sides to understand and to even benefit from a break-up.

The main issue, though, is how will the OP and her husband manage this Christmas, if they stay apart. They can still sort something out so that the father isn't totally excluded and to minimise the break-up.

Much better to focus on what now than to berate the OP for (seemingly) ending her marriage regardless of the time of the year.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 22/12/2018 10:24

And so we are still making judgement calls and discussing the situation we know no details about.

Missingstreetlife · 22/12/2018 10:31

Don't lie to your child, tell them dad isn't here and you will talk later.
Hope her show goes well. Good luck op.

JustABetterPlayer · 22/12/2018 10:39

Ruining your daughters childhood over an argument? Seems reasonable.

winsinbin · 22/12/2018 10:50

Well done for doing it at last. It sounds like it’s been a long time coming. Your DH doesnt sound like he is suited to a partnership so it’s probably for the best.

MumW · 22/12/2018 10:55

Ruining your daughters childhood over an argument? Seems reasonable - harsh.
Making sweeping assumptions @JustABetterPlayer? Seems reasonable.

In situations like this, it is not just an argument, it's the straw that broke the camel's back.
OP hasn't said exactly what the argument was about, but she has explained that he is a compulsive liar so I suggest that whatever the lies were this time, they were either humongous and/or an accumulation over a period of time that have finally become unbearable.

It sounds as though you have made a tough, but necessay, decision.
Flowers

grumiosmum · 22/12/2018 11:07

Gosh, three threads on trending right now about absent husbands.

My heart goes out to all of you. Flowers

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/12/2018 11:22

Sometimes you reach a point where it just isn't possible to carry on and gloss over the problems in a relationship. I'm sorry to hear that you've reached that point, OP. I very much doubt that a faux happy family Christmas would have been very convincing anyway.

We all like to think that we can hide things from our children, but the truth is that unless we are very experienced liars, they see right through us. It's probably easier to make the best of a difficult separation at an unfortunate time of year than it is to struggle through and try to hide all the hostility. I certainly don't think that anyone's childhood will be ruined unless the adults involved make a huge amount of unnecessary drama.

KlutzyDraconequus · 22/12/2018 11:43

Don't break unwith a lying shit...
Cause it's Christmas
Cause it's new years
Cause it's valentine's
Cause it's mother's Day
Cause it's summer hols
Cause it's Halloween
Cause it's nearly christmas

Basically sty in shit relationships other shit people because there's never a good time to end it.

Or end it s soon as the shit treatment becomes too.much. don't let time of year force you into being miserable and living in a miserable relationship.

Never forget, you can break up with someone for any reason, being unhappy is just as valid, probably more so, than any other reason..

Teateaandmoretea · 22/12/2018 12:39

Never forget, you can break up with someone for any reason, being unhappy is just as valid, probably more so, than any other reason..

Absolutely this ^^

MandalaYogaTapestry · 22/12/2018 12:49

Anyone can break with anyone for whatever reason. But then there is no point asking if YABU.