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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking of banning DH from the delivery room?

73 replies

RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 08:43

There is some backstory here. I have already posted on MN and got a unanimous LTB (it is always at the back of my mind, but I guess it is a long mental process). I would like some advice on a particular, short-term issue.

I am in my 41st week. DH has not been nice to me or the baby throughout my pregnancy. He did not come to any of the appointments, refused to see scan photos, will not discuss any baby names. He has not touched my bump once and actually recoils from me if he comes in contact with my belly. He glares if one of the older DCs mentions my pregnancy.

I have put on a lot of weight (due to binge eating rather than the pregnancy) and not a day goes by without a snarky remark about my figure. I feel disgusting.

What kills me is that he plays the perfect dad in front of other people. For example, I had a late miscarriage a year ago. I was back doing the school run the next morning and I was forbidden from speaking about it. Yet I have recently discovered he has been talking about it with the neighbours, looking for sympathy.

I know that he will act like a doting father at the hospital and I am not sure I can stand it. I think I am legally allowed to refuse his presence in the delivery room, but I am afraid it would be counter-productive because the MW might not respect some of my wishes (not giving birth lying on my back, not wanting the baby taken to another room to be weighed, etc.)

If I do ban him it will also be thrown in my face for the next 40 years or so, and I am sure everyone will be told how I stopped him from seeing his own child being born.

I don't know what to do. It is our 10th wedding anniversary today and the only thing he said to me before going to work was to go to the post office to send a letter for him.

I have no support nearby. My mother has terminal cancer and is undergoing radiotherapy, so I don't want to burden her with my problems.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 20/12/2018 08:45

Ban him and then leave him

endofthelinefinally · 20/12/2018 08:46

I think you should tell your midwife you are in an abusive relationship. Midwives are trained to help you.
The sooner you do it, the more likely you are to get help.
Do you want to stay with him?

Kikidelivers · 20/12/2018 08:46

Your focus is all wrong

The delivery is a drop in the ocean.

You need to think long term

Pachyderm1 · 20/12/2018 08:47

Ban him from the room and then ditch him from your life. Better for you, better for your kids.

Good luck with your labour Flowers

lifecouldbeadream · 20/12/2018 08:49

I think really you know the answer here. You cannot expose your children to an adult who thinks it is ok to treat people like this and an adult who allows themselves to be treated like this. You are worth more than this. Leave him, it isn’t worth it. Make your life without him. In 12 months you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed this long. He should be worried about his behaviour if it is bad enough that you don’t want him present.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/12/2018 08:49

Ban him and tell your MW why and how he’s been acting towards you. She will know how to deal with him

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 08:50

I am afraid the MW will not believe me. He is so different when there are other people around. What if he tells them I am crazy?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 20/12/2018 08:51

Tell your midwife what he is doing to you. His abuse has already affected your health. You will need lots of support during your labour and afterwards. Make sure it is all over your notes and if you feel comfortable doing so don’t be worried about telling other people what he has done. No one will judge you and they will be there to help. If there is somewhere you can leave to I would suggest you leave now.

Racecardriver · 20/12/2018 08:52

The MW will believe you. This is very very common. Abusers don’t abuse in public. That’s the reason they get away with it.

Theweasleytwins · 20/12/2018 08:53

There was a poster and a video on the tv while i was at the birthing centre talking about how domestic violence goes up while you are pregnant and you can discreetly tell your midwife

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 08:55

Oh, and I know that the only real solution is to leave. I have been working on getting more independent in the last few years (I have learnt to drive and I am trying to study to be able to be promoted at work so that I could support myself and the DCs financially)

OP posts:
Whatamuddleduck · 20/12/2018 08:56

The midwife will believe you. Look up ‘coercive control’. She will know that is what he is doing to you and that it is a criminal offence.

Controlling partners are often lovely to everyone else. That’s part of the abuse as it leaves you feeling isolated and trapped. A lot of people will see right through him.
I hope delivery goes well whatever you decide x

ImNotKitten · 20/12/2018 08:56

You will be believed. Abusers are often charming with other people/ at the beginning of a relationship. If they were vile from day one they wouldn’t be able to hook people in. If you can’t leave him for yourself, do it for your children.

Kardashianlove · 20/12/2018 08:58

The delivery isn’t the problem here but it sounds like you’re focussing on that as it’s easier to deal with than leaving him.

If you choose to stay with him, him being in the delivery room is going to cause you unnecessary stress but him not being there is going to cause you problems too as like you say he’ll throw it back in your face, etc. Whatever you choose to do in terms of delivery it won’t solve the issue.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/12/2018 09:01

The MW will absolutely believe you. Tell her.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 09:03

I know the delivery is a red herring. But I am so worried about my poor baby - will the first thing he senses be that DH does not want him? Am I hurting him by crying my eyes out almost every night?

OP posts:
RyVeeta · 20/12/2018 09:04

Midwives will believe you. Make some plans to leave, you cannot do this to your children, I speak from experience.

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/12/2018 09:04

If he is repulsed by your body, recoils when he brushes past you, has shown no interest in you or your child and won't discuss the practicalities then why on earth would he want to be there? His behaviour speaks volumes. Perhaps remind him of this and ask whether he wants to attend as you don't have a problem if he doesn't. He may turn this back on you and tell the world you banned him (martyr) but at this stage, do you care?

TenForward82 · 20/12/2018 09:05

OP, why are you having another baby with this man??

TeddyIsaHe · 20/12/2018 09:08

TenForward how very helpful - Op will just go back in time and not have a baby?

Op talk to your midwife. Own your labour. Don’t let this awful man ruin a special moment. And when you’ve recovered from the birth leave him. Please don’t waste your life being unhappy and treated like shite, it’s not worth it.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 09:08

Jamiefraserskilt he will want to be there because it is part of his act.

However he has told me that he will be working 2 hours away from home tomorrow and on Saturday (it is more than what the last birth lasted from the first twinge), so perhaps he is trying to accidentally miss the birth.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 20/12/2018 09:11

Forget abput dh
Your love is enough for baby for now
You will be much happier away from your h
Yes that will be better for baby.
Speak to mw

RayRayBidet · 20/12/2018 09:16

The midwife will believe you, please please tell her.
I don't think abusers who turn on the charm are always as convincing as they think they are. You might be surprised that some around you will know deep down that he isn't a nice person.
Please, tell your midwife and get your life back.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/12/2018 09:16

If he is 2 hrs away, then maybe simply not tell him until it’s too late...

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2018 09:22

Well I'd leave it as late as possible to tell him as you didn't want to pull him home for a false start and then possibly under play how far along you are.

But please don't wait until you've got a promotion, you've done x, the kids are y. There will always be a reason to wait but you deserve SO much better and so do your kids.