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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be thinking of banning DH from the delivery room?

73 replies

RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 08:43

There is some backstory here. I have already posted on MN and got a unanimous LTB (it is always at the back of my mind, but I guess it is a long mental process). I would like some advice on a particular, short-term issue.

I am in my 41st week. DH has not been nice to me or the baby throughout my pregnancy. He did not come to any of the appointments, refused to see scan photos, will not discuss any baby names. He has not touched my bump once and actually recoils from me if he comes in contact with my belly. He glares if one of the older DCs mentions my pregnancy.

I have put on a lot of weight (due to binge eating rather than the pregnancy) and not a day goes by without a snarky remark about my figure. I feel disgusting.

What kills me is that he plays the perfect dad in front of other people. For example, I had a late miscarriage a year ago. I was back doing the school run the next morning and I was forbidden from speaking about it. Yet I have recently discovered he has been talking about it with the neighbours, looking for sympathy.

I know that he will act like a doting father at the hospital and I am not sure I can stand it. I think I am legally allowed to refuse his presence in the delivery room, but I am afraid it would be counter-productive because the MW might not respect some of my wishes (not giving birth lying on my back, not wanting the baby taken to another room to be weighed, etc.)

If I do ban him it will also be thrown in my face for the next 40 years or so, and I am sure everyone will be told how I stopped him from seeing his own child being born.

I don't know what to do. It is our 10th wedding anniversary today and the only thing he said to me before going to work was to go to the post office to send a letter for him.

I have no support nearby. My mother has terminal cancer and is undergoing radiotherapy, so I don't want to burden her with my problems.

OP posts:
BonBonVoyage · 20/12/2018 09:23

The midwife will believe you. In the hospital I gave birth in they had posters on the back of toilet doors about dv and abusive relationships. Which shows they know it's something that happens in private.
Pp have said that the delivery is a red herring which I agree with. But it's also an important issue right now. Your body will be able to give birth more easily if you feel comfortable. If your "D" h is around you'll feel less comfortable.

You say you are concerned that the mw will not respect your wishes. What makes you think that your dh will advocate for you? I'd be more worried he'd go against your wishes and speak for you when you're on Labour and tell the mw you want something you don't want.

Yadnbu to ban him from the Labour room

Longdistance · 20/12/2018 09:34

Your mw will believe you. They’ve seen it all before. When I went for my MW’s appointments they’d send dh out, and then ask questions related to whether I was safe or not. I couldn’t remember what they said, it was a tactful and subtle way of finding out if there was DV. I assume they do it to everyone.

You need to make a plan to get rid of him long term.

Good luck with the birth Flowers

LordPickle · 20/12/2018 09:36

The MW will absolutely believe you! My DH came to every single appointment with me then when I was in labour, my DH left to go get me food and literally the second he walked out, the MW said she had noticed they had never asked about our relationship and if he was abusive because he attended every appointment! I was shocked but she said that it's important to protect women and ensure safety. Apparently it is written down in the antenatal book somewhere?

The point is, they will believe you and protect you. You should absolutely confide in your midwife and let them help you.

DorisDances · 20/12/2018 09:45

My heart goes out to you OP. You are already planning an exit from what is clearly an abusive relationship so given your due date, that is understandably your focus. Hopefully circumstances will mean you don't have to impose a ban but I would certainly be telling your midwife you don't want him present. Good luck with the birth.

Kardashianlove · 20/12/2018 10:30

Your DH is abusive so yes it will affect the baby and your other DC. It’s damaging to grow up in that type of environment. You can minimise the affect on them though by leaving. Obviously, the sooner you leave the better for your DC and the baby.

You would be better putting your energy and time into planning an exit stratergy rather than planning what to do about the delivery.

Ohyesiam · 20/12/2018 10:34

You need to tell your midwife you are in an abusive relationship Flowers

Mickeysminnie2 · 20/12/2018 10:48

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Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 10:55

That is very helpful Mickeysminnie2

FYI there will not be another child. I have already been discussing getting my tubes tied with my ob/gyn.

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 20/12/2018 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusedbeetle · 20/12/2018 11:12

MW are trained to deal with this. Coercive controllers often are charmers to others

Weihnacht · 20/12/2018 11:16

I'm sorry OP this sounds horrible. Please do ask the MW for help. Thanks

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 11:18

Why are you with a man like that? He's a horrible hypocrite.

Slothslothsloth · 20/12/2018 11:22

I’m sure some posters will be horrified by this suggestion, but I would seriously just disappear from his life and leave him off the birth certificate. I know, I know, a child has a right to a relationship with its father - but I don’t believe for a moment he will be a positive influence on it, and he will ruin your life too.

Consider it, OP. If you put him on the birth certificate he will literally be in your life forever, except now with a new and even more damaging means of exerting control, via your child.

Slothslothsloth · 20/12/2018 11:24

And yes definitely ban him!

Slothslothsloth · 20/12/2018 11:27

Oh I missed that you have other DC (with him). In that case yes just focus on getting through the delivery without him. Your escape can (and will) come later. If he tries to spin it that you’re cruel for doing this, just tell people the truth in plain terms. I think most people would find your version of events more plausible than the idea that a woman just randomly decided to ban her husband from being present at the birth.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 11:28

Slothslothsloth we already have three children together. I cannot just disappear.

OP posts:
sherrysfortea · 20/12/2018 11:28

OP please let him nowhere near. You have been conditioned by him to think that no one will believe you, you are isolated etc. It's not the case I promise you.

Leave him off of the birth certificate if at all possible. Is there a mother and baby unit that would take you? I would contact woman's aid.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 11:28

Sorry, cross-posted. Wink

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/12/2018 11:31

Hi OP

The midwife will believe you. You will cope fine by yourself in labour or with a friend. They will respect your wishes as far as they can medically about not lying down etc.

Can you have a chat with him first and say you are worried about the children at home and ask him to look after them (not sure who was going to be looking after them, do you trust them to speak to them and ask them to invent a family emergency at the last minute so they 'let you down'and your husband has to stay at home?

If you don't want him there and he wants to be there you can phone the midwives there when you go into labour and explain you don't want him there and they won't let him in. Reiterate it when you get there. They will be used to it and will make it as smooth as possible for you.

This is why they always ask questions about home life when the mum is on her own as they know if the dad is there she may not be able to talk freely no matter how nice he seems

Best of luck OP

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 11:39

Well, a huge bunch of flowers has just been delivered with a "happy anniversary" card.

I hoped.

But they are from my Mum.

OP posts:
milkandpancakes · 20/12/2018 11:45

Why did you hope they were from your husband? From everything you've said, a bunch of flowers is not going to fix anything.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 20/12/2018 11:46

You say it's going to be thrown in your face for the next 40 years. Why on earth would you subject yourself and your children to this man for the next 49 years? Talk to your midwife ASAP, it is one sense a really hard time to leave but in another way less so, as you'll have access to more help and be a priority right now.
If you can't do it for your own sake, please do it for the children - they are watching and learning abd ifyou stay then you WILL be watching your DD get treated like this in 25 years time, or watching your DS treat his own partner this way.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2018 11:48

Choose which ever name you want. Don't engage him on conversations regarding this.
Don't have him in the delivery room.
Advise the hospital when you get there that your DP is abusive.
Do not put him on the birth certificate. Go and register the birth without him.
Give DC your maiden name and divorce him.
Do not, let your DC grow up in this toxic, abusive environment.
It's not just about you now!
This is the model your DC will have for their own future relationships.
Don't do that to a poor innocent child.
It's not OK!

Christmasisforadults2 · 20/12/2018 11:54

You can't make everyone happy simple. Yes for years he might chuck it back at you, but wouldn't you rather that than have your birth ruined.
Some times it better to get want you want and need and then ask for forgiveness.
It's what men do all the time.
Congrats on having another wonderful lo Thanks

Shepherdspieisminging · 20/12/2018 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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