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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be thinking of banning DH from the delivery room?

73 replies

RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 08:43

There is some backstory here. I have already posted on MN and got a unanimous LTB (it is always at the back of my mind, but I guess it is a long mental process). I would like some advice on a particular, short-term issue.

I am in my 41st week. DH has not been nice to me or the baby throughout my pregnancy. He did not come to any of the appointments, refused to see scan photos, will not discuss any baby names. He has not touched my bump once and actually recoils from me if he comes in contact with my belly. He glares if one of the older DCs mentions my pregnancy.

I have put on a lot of weight (due to binge eating rather than the pregnancy) and not a day goes by without a snarky remark about my figure. I feel disgusting.

What kills me is that he plays the perfect dad in front of other people. For example, I had a late miscarriage a year ago. I was back doing the school run the next morning and I was forbidden from speaking about it. Yet I have recently discovered he has been talking about it with the neighbours, looking for sympathy.

I know that he will act like a doting father at the hospital and I am not sure I can stand it. I think I am legally allowed to refuse his presence in the delivery room, but I am afraid it would be counter-productive because the MW might not respect some of my wishes (not giving birth lying on my back, not wanting the baby taken to another room to be weighed, etc.)

If I do ban him it will also be thrown in my face for the next 40 years or so, and I am sure everyone will be told how I stopped him from seeing his own child being born.

I don't know what to do. It is our 10th wedding anniversary today and the only thing he said to me before going to work was to go to the post office to send a letter for him.

I have no support nearby. My mother has terminal cancer and is undergoing radiotherapy, so I don't want to burden her with my problems.

OP posts:

babycatcher411 · 20/12/2018 12:01

Speaking as a midwife, I can assure you she absolutely will believe you. She will believe you because you have no reason to lie, she will believe you because we know most abuse happens behind closed doors, and she will believe you because it is her job to do so, it is her job to protect you, your unborn and your children.

I’m not saying this to dissuade you from disclosing, it is absolutely the thing you need to do, but she will refer you to SS so you can have help to get yourself and your children into a safer less hostile environment. Please don’t be scared by this idea, they’re there to help you.
What do you think at this point you ‘need’ to do to get out? There are systems in place to support you, so don’t worry that you haven’t managed to get the qualifications you want, you can still achieve this even having left him.

Kardashianlove · 20/12/2018 12:03

Some times it better to get want you want and need and then ask for forgiveness.
The OP doesn’t need to ask for for forgiveness from her abuser.

It's what men do all the time.
It really isn’t.

Kardashianlove · 20/12/2018 12:04

Even if it was your DH who sent the flowers, it wouldn’t change the fact that he’s abusive to you and your DC.

Please stop holding out ‘hope’ and be proactive in getting your DC out of this situation.

Lexilooo · 20/12/2018 12:05

Please talk to your midwife as soon as you safely can. She will believe you and will help ensure you are safe and your wishes are respected.

Please also speak to Women's Aid about help to leave. Do not stay, you are very vulnerable now and will be once your baby arrives. They can help you plan your escape.

I agree that it would be a good idea not to put him on the birth certificate if you can do so. Are your other children his? Who will look after them when you are in hospital? Being in hospital to give birth could be a good opportunity to leave, you could arrange to be discharged and go elsewhere.

HollowTalk · 20/12/2018 12:09

If I were your mum I'd be distraught that you felt you couldn't confide in me, even if I was very ill. If I were her I'd want you to come home and have a safe place to live away from this man.

Original poster

RoyalChocolat · 20/12/2018 12:13

Even if the flowers had been from him, it would not have changed my feelings.
One thing Mumsnet has told me is that I cannot make him change (and God knows I tried - I used to think if I did more housework / if we had more sex / if I stopped speaking to people because it annoyed him... everything would get better). The only thing I can change is my reaction to his behaviour.

It sounds so simple when I write it, but it is so hard in real life.

OP posts:

beachyhead · 20/12/2018 13:44

If he is working away from home tomorrow, it might be worth trying to call or speak to your midwife team then. They can then mark your notes discretely so that the delivery team are aware.
I'm sorry you are in this position at 41 weeks...

SometimesMaybe · 20/12/2018 13:47

Phone your community midwife team today and explain your concerns. They will be able to talk it through so even if you I end up with him present they will be in th full picture about the state of your relationship.

BeanTownNancy · 20/12/2018 14:10

Who is going to be looking after your children when you are in labour? Tell your husband you want him to stay with them because it's Christmas and it's going to be difficult for them.

Do work on getting out though. And tell your midwife; I'm surprised they haven't asked you if you are "safe and supported" before to be honest.

Topseyt · 20/12/2018 14:35

I hope you do contact your midwifery team today. You need to tell them everything you have said here. They will believe you, and you need to let them get you help.

Don't have him at the delivery. Dump his sorry arse as soon afterwards as possible too. Be open with your friends and family about what is really happening as well. Hopefully some of them may be able to offer moral support and/or perhaps practical assistance.

You and your children deserve much better than this.

Crispyturtle · 20/12/2018 14:41

Well a man who treats you in such an appalling fashion is hardly suddenly going to become your champion in the delivery room, is he? So ban him, then leave him.

I’m a Midwife and I’ve never worked at a hospital where we’ve taken the baby out of the room to weigh, but I appreciate some Trusts May practice differently. If they say this is what they are going to do, a firm ‘no’ should suffice and if they don’t listen to your wishes, don’t hesitate to put in a complaint. Also, no one can physically force you on to your back, if there is an issue with monitoring the heartbeat (if you are high risk) then the onus is on the Midwife to find a solution, not on you to lie on your back to make their lives easier (I will caveat that by saying that occasionally we ask women to change position if there’s a concern about the fetal heart, but that is very rarely on to their backs).

Anyway, the delivery of the baby honestly sounds like the least of your problems. Please, please don’t waste your life with this awful man. There is joy and happiness and fun to be had out of life, don’t miss it all because you got stuck with someone who doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t, because no one who loves you would behave like this. Make your plan, get out soon. Lots of luck with birth and baby.

Lymphy · 20/12/2018 14:45

@babycatcher411 I was reading this thread hoping a midwife would come along to confirm OP would be believed 100% ( brill username btw)
Please tell your midwife OP they will help you and your children. Of course he acts the perfect husband and father, it’s a mask. All healthcare workers and others won’t be fooled by this as sadly it’s very common.
Could you tell your mum? Could she come with you to your midwife for support?

bullyingadvice2017 · 20/12/2018 15:03

Get shut of him. You could be tears eating to be earning enough... get out and apply for a benefit top up... promise you it's less demoralising than putting up with his shite.
Ask for help, and take it!

Original poster

RoyalChocolat · 31/12/2018 11:54

Hi. I wanted to give an update.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. DH was not in the delivery room because there was no one to look after our eldest DCs.
Labour was much longer and more painful than the three previous ones. I expected DH to say something like "well done" or "thank you" - nothing.

I came back home 2 days later to find 8 loads of washing awaiting me. The bedsheets where my waters had broken had not been changed. Instead DH had spent half a day messing up rearranging the living room cupboards. When I complained he told me I was ungrateful and that in 2 days he could not compensate for me being a slattern for months.

DD is a velcro baby. If I put her down I have about 30 seconds before she screams the house down. DH leaves early and comes home late. He does some cooking and housework in the evenings, but he does it huffing and sighing and slamming things down, because I could have done it during the day instead of sitting on my bum. If I ask him to hold DD for 10 minutes so that I can have a shower, it shows that I am unable to cope.

When people ask me how I am all I want to do is burst into tears.

OP posts:

Burlea · 31/12/2018 11:58

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl.

When you are stronger it might be time to think how you want to continue with your marriage.

Rainycloudyday · 31/12/2018 11:59

Oh you poor thing, my heart breaks for you. You have done an amazing thing bringing your beautiful girl into the world under horrific stress and things WILL get better. Hard as it is you need to tune him out for now and concentrate on you and your children. You know you need to leave him but I can understand that is hugely daunting now. Does your mum support you and know what he's really like? He sounds utterly utterly vile and you and your children will be so much better without him when you feel able to make that step

JillScarlet · 31/12/2018 12:07

Oh love.
Cjngratations in the birth of your little girl.

Please please look after yourself and her.

By this I mean speak to your mw/ health visitor. Tell them you are in an abusuve relationship with no support. This will not be a new situation to them and they may have a support group you can be referred to.

My friend was referred to the Freedom Programme by her HV.

Your little girl has a bright bright future with you - but not if she grows up thinking that this is how men behave and women should be treated .

Take gentle care of yourself, his hatred and anger is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong.

IShitGlitter · 31/12/2018 12:13

Speak to your midwife TODAY.

pinkyredrose · 31/12/2018 12:15

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Strawberry2017 · 31/12/2018 12:26

You can do this, you are a fantastic mum. No man will ever understand how hard it is.
You don't need someone toxic in your life. Stay strong for you and your kids, focus on making s plan for the future.
This only has to be your life if you let it be. You have the power to change things. X

ollhe · 31/12/2018 12:42

Congratulations!
Will you speak with your midwife or health visitor? It doesn’t mean you have to do anything else afterwards, but it will help keep you and your DC more protected if someone else is looking out for you.

extrastrongnosugar · 31/12/2018 18:06

Oh darling!! Congrats on your beautiful child! I hope you get all the help you need but if you need some emotional support come on over to parent twitter and look for the hashtag #snugglesforstruggles and we'll be there in all your sleepless nights

extrastrongnosugar · 31/12/2018 18:08

Sorry its #snuggles4struggles

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