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AIBU?

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Original poster

For being furious that dh's boss called him a "kiddy fiddler"?

110 replies

angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 09:13

dh came home from work yesterday, very upset, as his boss had been looking through some photos and said, "Look dh, you look like a kiddy fiddler in this one!" apparently she thought it was a huge joke.

as someone who actually has firsthand knowledge of "kiddy fiddlers" i find her comment very upsetting (although she doesn't know my history, obviously) - i don't really think it's something to be joked about, especially not in that context.

so i'm still feeling extremely upset and angry this morning, to the point where i want to email her and tell her what a stupid bitch she is - don't worry, i won't - but i also don't feel like it's any of my business really.

i've changed my name for this as i know she sometimes uses this site, and while i don't care if she knows who i am in RL i don't want her knowing my MN id.

OP posts:
goldenwings · 26/06/2007 10:01

i think it all interlinks though. your dp is being unfairly treated by this woman in a lot of different ways.

keep a record of all that goes on and if things carry on maybe speak to cab and see where you stand. it seems to me like your dp is being forced out of a job. she probably has no grounds to sack him so is trying to make his life harder for him in the hope that he walks.

ELR · 26/06/2007 10:04

while it may be unpleasant for you and not a nice thing to say, it is an off the cuff remark that unfortunatley happens all the time.
I would leave it can you honestly say you have never made an inappropriate comment
Dont let this stress you out lifes too short

Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:04

goldenwings - he will walk, that's certain. just not sure whether he walks into a new job or not. he wanted to walk out yesterday but i think keeping a roof over our heads kept him there!

OP posts:
rey · 26/06/2007 10:09

How on earth can you joke about something like that! The woman is sick sick sick!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have every right to be angry, upset, and your poor husband. Horrible to be in a position where you can't say anything. Just come to mind... sounds like a jealous comment, she was trying to put him down because she was envious at what she saw/sees. Turn it round and think what a sad life she must have.

Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:11

rey - he did say it was a bad photo! but that's still no excuse for what she said IMO.

i am a touch oversensitive about things like this, but there's no way she could've known that.

perhaps i have overreacted. will take step back and see what dh does.

OP posts:
goldenwings · 26/06/2007 10:11

that is not a joke.

angrywithboss was the photo of just your dh or was he with your lo?
either way it is a disgusting thing to say but if it was with your lo in the picture thats truly sick.

it doesnt seem to be an off the cuff remark it seems that she really has a problem with your dp and is willing to say awful things to get rid of him.

Aloha · 26/06/2007 10:13

Well, to be fair, she didn't call him a paedophile, she said he looked funny in a photograph. To her it was the same as saying "you look like a nerd" or "your look like a trainspotter" - it was clearly meant as a bit of friendly office banter. I saw the other day a writer in the guardian writing about how his wife hated a certain jacket and referred to it as his 'child molester' jacket - clearly as a joke. She might have say, said a balaclava made him look like a serial killer.
Obviously to you, it means a lot more, and that's absolutley understandable, and you may well think it is a tasteless joke, but I think taking it further would be a mistake for your husband. She obviously does not think he is a remotely dodgy character or she would not have made the joke.

Aloha · 26/06/2007 10:19

If he is upset about other aspects of his treatment in the company, he should focus on those.
I think a note would be a real mistake. I would think it very odd indeed tbh.
Your dh clearly took this remark very personally, but I am sure it was not meant like that.

Sherbert37 · 26/06/2007 10:29

Just to say that in larger, more structured companies, this would fall under the 'Dignity at Work' Act and could lead to dismissal. It is not acceptable to say things like this at work these days. People may think it is 'having a laugh' but anything that can be deemed offensive is definitely out. As a manager, the boss has to be ultra careful. More info on the ACAS website if she is reading.

KerryMum · 26/06/2007 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:32

but Sherbert, that's no good in a small company...

OP posts:
Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:33

ds not in the picture, btw, it was a publicity shot for the company...

OP posts:
Enid · 26/06/2007 10:33

lol @ publicity shot

Sherbert37 · 26/06/2007 10:34

I know, awb, and I'm not sure what you can do to bring a small company 'up to date' with the latest personnel legislation. Hope you can put this behind you and your dh finds another job soon.

zookeeper · 26/06/2007 10:34

I would focus on his efforts to get another job and forget about this crass comment

Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:36

also. the company works with children and children's products, which does put a different slant on it...

OP posts:
Aloha · 26/06/2007 10:37

I honestly think you have to let it go. I think you are investing this comment with meaning that was never intended. If she'd said 'You look like a trainspotter in this picture' and laughed, you might think, 'piss off and stop being mean to my husband' but it wouldn't hurt you as it clearly has done.

zookeeper · 26/06/2007 10:37

all the more reason to let this go.

Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:39

why lol @ publicity shot Enid?

OP posts:
Original poster
angrywithboss · 26/06/2007 10:40

Aloha - it might if i spent my weekend in a Star Trek uniform on Clapham Junction with a small, spiralbound notepad...

OP posts:
suzywong · 26/06/2007 10:44

I'm sorry for your predicament but "d. i said he should've picked out a picture of her and "Oh look, in this one you look like a fat saggy bitter bitch, with a poor sense of humour." has really really brightened my mood and made me spray my dinner over the laptop

Aloha · 26/06/2007 10:48

Well, yes, but I trust you don't actually wear the uniform when trainspotting?

I get the impression you think this was some kind of passive/agressive non-joke, and you are probably right. She was probably using her power to make a sly dig at him. We've all seen it at work, and it can be hurtful, but she wasn't really making a joke about paedophilia or thinking your dh really was one, it was just a silly comment about his expression - I assume - in one picture.

FrannyandZooey · 26/06/2007 10:50

Agree with Aloha

a joke that fell flat because her sort of humour is not shared by you and your dh

if it was a regular kind of joke, I mean if she continually made such comments, I think your dh should say "I'd prefer it if you didn't joke about that".

FluffyMummy123 · 26/06/2007 10:52

Message withdrawn

elesbelles · 26/06/2007 11:03

ignorant comment by his boss imo..sometimes off the cuff remarks cause offense but agree it needed to be dealt with at the time. i dont think a note is a good idea...it will just make things more awkward at work for him...let it be and hope he finds a better job soon.