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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lifts home

96 replies

AntiTreeHugger · 19/12/2018 16:44

I work in a pub. Do a few evenings a week, leave at 12/1am. I drive so seem to be ‘expected’ to give lifts home to other members of staff who don’t drive.
Now, this really gets on my tits! They live the opposite direction to my house, don’t offer me any money(I wouldn’t accept it). One of these lifts is the owner of the pub. He can drive(has a very nice car actually) but comes in on his shift, doesn’t actually work but gets pissed, then expects a lift home...
The other is the manager. She’s offered me her tips once(was about £3). When we work together I always give her a lift. I can’t really say no, Can I.
My issue here is this... we had our Christmas night out last week. The restaurant we ended up in was cash only and I only had £10 on me. The manager said she’d cover the extra £7 for me. I said ‘just take it out of my wages’.
I must have saved this woman about £100 in taxis since we’ve worked together. She took the £7 out of my very small wage packet... I obviously told her to. But AIBU to say no to these expected lifts in future?

OP posts:

BIWI · 19/12/2018 20:08

Don't do any of the passive aggressive things that are being suggested here - don't make up any excuses like you're learning Spanish .

Just tell them that from the New Year you will not be giving anyone lifts if it's out of your way (which means you an continue giving lifts to the 19 year old if you want to).

Do you have a work WhatsApp group? If so, post on that to say that you've made that decision because a) you're not getting any money for the extra fuel, and also (to stop them offering money for you to keep doing it!) b) that you're tired after your shift and just want to go straight home rather than provide taxi services for everyone.

If you don't have a WhatsApp group, text them all, but make it clear that you're texting everyone the same message.

No need to say any more than that and absolutely no need to be defensive about your decision.

Propertywoe · 19/12/2018 20:13

I was in your position and hated it, not so much the lifts in the right direction but those that took me out of my way. I am normally assertive but giving lifts or not giving does cause problems (it just felt mean spirited). I lied and told my supervisor at the time I had to cut back on mileage as I had underestimated my insurance miles. Once I stopped giving the lifts she made other arrangements and never asked again.

Original poster

AntiTreeHugger · 19/12/2018 22:25

The mileage excuseis a good one!

OP posts:

Starbitcrazy · 19/12/2018 23:18

I'd send a text saying - hey guys, I'm going to have to start getting home a bit earlier after work as I'm not getting back til 2pm and the kids are awake at 5 (eg.). Unless you live near me I won't be able to give any more lifts as I need my beauty sleep!

Most people wouldn't question that and no confrontation for you.

user1474894224 · 20/12/2018 00:00

I would do the taxi thing. Plan for 2 nights to leave the car at home - car trouble - and get a cab home. Then they have to do something else. Then next time you use the car - it's still a bit unreliable and you need to go straight home. Bingo - next time they probably won't ask......

I know this doesn't solve the problem of being a walkover - but it gives you another way out....

The4thSandersonSister · 20/12/2018 00:16

"People Pleasers" tripping over themselves to race to someone's front door just to lay down ready for shoddy treatment. Being someone who can assert themselves and say No in situations where they feel they are being taken advantage of is not being a "Cunt". It's being an adult with self-determination. Forget the excuses, lies and misdirection and just tell them you will not be giving lifts as a given, and if you choose to give someone a lift in the future you will offer yourself.

Dotty1970 · 20/12/2018 06:53

You sound like a lovely person but I have to be honest here, you need to either keep doing it and suck it up without moaning or grow a pair and tell them you can't give them a lift, tell them your skint and struggling with petrol costs... Whatever you think but just stop doing it unless they contribute.

Dotty1970 · 20/12/2018 06:54

The post above mine is a good answer to 👆👍

CommanderDaisy · 20/12/2018 07:09

If you are too chicken to say no - here's a list of plausible bullshit to use via text.

blame it on your DH. Say he's cross with the extra money spent on petrol .
you could add some blather about how you've had to have the car seats professionally fitted again and can't move them anymore, because you fucked up redoing them the other day .
Taking you too much time of an am to refit car seats all the time.
Can't afford the extra petrol or mileage.

5.You/DH are worried about your safety as you are often really tired after work and driving the extra two/three home is wearing you out.

Of course, no more lifts sorry - is also an option.

flumpybear · 20/12/2018 07:10

Say you've got to dash home as your husband is going to work on a late shift

Why isn't the place you work organising taxis for staff? Isn't that a 'thing' anymore? I'm sure it used to be a legal obligation?!

Chloe84 · 20/12/2018 07:29

I worked out how much a journey costs in £ per mile, and how much it is when it adds up - it makes walking look more attractive!

Work out how much the extra driving is costing you, give you the will to say no,

Lifeofsmiley · 20/12/2018 07:45

Don’t feel you need to lie, come up with excuses or even park a couple of streets away just say you want to get straight home so won’t be doing lifts anymore. There’s really no need for it to be a big drama.
Im happy to assert myself. Once you get the ball rolling it gets easier each time

SundayGirls · 20/12/2018 10:10

BIWI Some people are not naturally assertive or confrontational. MN posters telling OP to directly message people starkly might just not solve OP's problem. OP will know she can say that already but something has stopped her. Some people need softer ways of dealing with a problem. OP does not want to give lifts. How she goes about this is up to her. Making an excuse is perfectly valid if that's how she chooses to deal with it. Yes in an ideal world she should tell them all to simply bog off but some people find this too difficult, they worry about how colleagues will see them and so having alternative suggestions for a softer approach can be useful too. OP can then pick and choose which approach she feels would be best.

BIWI · 20/12/2018 11:54

My point is that using some excuse that's untrue risks getting the OP into even more confrontational stuff as she's going to have to explain why/deal with questions about how her Spanish is coming along etc/ which means she's even less in control of the situation!

Of course some people are less assertive than others. The OP has demonstrated that!

buckeejit · 20/12/2018 21:19

Ah I'd be the same as you but I don't think I know anyone cheeky enough to expect regular lifts without giving back. I'd hope they've got you a good Christmas present as a thank you at least. My friend's family gives me a lift home a couple of miles away once a month after wine club & I appreciate it. Got them a nice bottle of gin & support her charity when I can. There needs to be acknowledgment of your time & money.

recklessruby · 20/12/2018 21:51

My friend at work doesn't drive (never

recklessruby · 20/12/2018 21:55

Sorry never wanted to learn)
I do the driving but she gives me petrol money.
OP I think they are being unfair and should contribute to fuel. It's expensive these days.
Also there's your time. They can all split a taxi fare and you go home and get some sleep. If you have young dc use them as an excuse

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 20/12/2018 22:25

Good luck!

Really good advice I've seen on here is don't give reasons, because people will 'solve' your 'problem' to keep getting what they want/what suits them. This is why it's better to just say no.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 21/12/2018 10:13

Can you park around the block, out of sight, in the direction of your house?

Otherwise, just say no. YOu don't make enough to fund everyone else's trips home plus you're too tired to be the unpaid chauffeur. Too bad. It's not in your job description.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 21/12/2018 10:17

And if the manager complains, I would even tell her, calmly, that you'd saved her £££ in taxi fares all year long, but she happily and quickly took £7 of your low wages to cover, frankly, a mistake by the pub. That act woke you up to the fact that she and the whole team is taking advantage of you, and you are now just going to do your job, cheerfully, then go straight home.

Jenny17 · 21/12/2018 10:27

Just say your new year resolution is you are going straight home after work. Happy to give a lift to anyone who lives on the way but you cannot go out of your way as it is too tiring and affecting your SAHM activities and hubby is waiting up for you so can't take the piss even 5 mins.

You'll probably find they end up driving or someone picks them up and the reason they didn't before was becuase you gave them lifts!

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