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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lifts home

96 replies

AntiTreeHugger · 19/12/2018 16:44

I work in a pub. Do a few evenings a week, leave at 12/1am. I drive so seem to be ‘expected’ to give lifts home to other members of staff who don’t drive.
Now, this really gets on my tits! They live the opposite direction to my house, don’t offer me any money(I wouldn’t accept it). One of these lifts is the owner of the pub. He can drive(has a very nice car actually) but comes in on his shift, doesn’t actually work but gets pissed, then expects a lift home...
The other is the manager. She’s offered me her tips once(was about £3). When we work together I always give her a lift. I can’t really say no, Can I.
My issue here is this... we had our Christmas night out last week. The restaurant we ended up in was cash only and I only had £10 on me. The manager said she’d cover the extra £7 for me. I said ‘just take it out of my wages’.
I must have saved this woman about £100 in taxis since we’ve worked together. She took the £7 out of my very small wage packet... I obviously told her to. But AIBU to say no to these expected lifts in future?

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 19/12/2018 17:48

Don't accept offers of financial contributions op. It will be a pain to get the money from them every time. They will begrudge you it and you will feel embarrassed to keep asking. Just say no. You're tired, it's late, you want to get home soon as, and you don't like driving when late.

MirriVan · 19/12/2018 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strawberry2017 · 19/12/2018 17:54

I had 2 former friends that did this to me. Never even offered to buy me a coke when we would go out and I had driven. Didn't live near me but always picked them up and dropped them off. Turns out when one of them learnt to drive I was no longer needed and I found out the hard way I had been well and truly used!

Original poster
AntiTreeHugger · 19/12/2018 17:55

Yes, don’t panic. I don’t really wish I was a cunt Hmm

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 19/12/2018 18:00

Ghanagirl
Absolutely agree with you, but if poster feels she can’t complain about giving lifts that this is an option and I agree its not a great option but it will hopefully stop the expectation of getting a lift, but my preferred option is to say sorry but its costing me too much in petrol and also I just want to go home at the end of my shift.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 18:09

It's not being 'a cunt' if you're not some doormat.

masterandmargarita · 19/12/2018 18:11

People who don't drive are v annoying (if they are always get other people to drive them).

kateandme · 19/12/2018 18:12

if you really cant get the courage.yet.id say you cant afford the fuel line.
think of all the time and money you will save if you do this.
your a good person.doing the right thing andnot being trampled over only makes you a better one.there is a difference between being kind and having people see this and take advantage of you.this isn't on you but them.
just say im really sorry guys Im having to make some budgets in the new year as im struggling so I wont be able to give lifts for fuel costs.
if its that important they will still ask for lift and give you money wont they.

KarmaStar · 19/12/2018 18:14

They are cf's op.tell them no more!

Holidayshopping · 19/12/2018 18:16

You don’t have to be a cunt just to not get treated badly by people, you know.

Pachyderm1 · 19/12/2018 18:25

I wish I was a cunt

You don’t need to be a cunt to tell people you can’t help them anymore, you just need a bit of backbone.

Drop them all a text saying ‘I’m not going to be able to give people lifts home after work any more from next year, just wanted to let you know now so you can make plans!’ And leave it at that. If they ask why, say ‘I can’t afford the fuel’ or ‘I’m struggling with all the extra driving after a shift late at night.’

Stop confusing being a nice person with being a doormat!

CantWaitToRetire · 19/12/2018 18:26

You have young DCs. Just say you can no longer give lifts because the kids are early risers and you need to get straight home to sleep as the extra driving is making you too late to bed. You can chip in that cost is a factor too if you like.

MsTSwift · 19/12/2018 18:33

God don’t give a litany of wet excuses / reasons. You don’t owe them justification. I won’t be giving lifts anymore. That’s it. And you are not being a people pleaser you are being a mug sorry.

Lettermethis · 19/12/2018 18:39

No is a complete sentence.

Best thing I've ever learnt from Mumsnet.

Avrannakern · 19/12/2018 18:39

To start with, just say your child is really poorly so you want to get home as quick as possible. This means you won't be driving in the opposite direction to give a lift.

Then next time say that getting home a bit earlier made a huge difference to how rested you felt so from now on you'll not be giving lifts.

ForalltheSaints · 19/12/2018 18:41

How long does it take for you to walk home, OP? So you can save on petrol?

Graphista · 19/12/2018 18:41

How much is giving them lifts costing you - petrol, wear and tear?

Compared to your wage? I'll bet it's taking you way below nmw, you want to keep working for sod all?

Look up some assertiveness resources (tons online inc YouTube videos with examples/role plays).

Practice what to say and how to say it.

Eg the £7

Boss "oh I'll cover the difference"

"Great I appreciate that" not rude, no "atmosphere" potential... Sorted no problem.

Re the lifts in general I'd say something like

"I'm only doing lifts to those who live in my direction now, it's too time consuming, disrupts my car seats (so they can't just pay up to get you to agree), and expensive" that way to push the point they really need to come across as quite rude and entitled themselves and you can still give the youngster you want to a lift.

If there's a better way of wording it I'm sure an mner will suggest.

If you're not needing to work financially you're in an even stronger position - remember that it will help give you the confidence you need.

Satsumaeater · 19/12/2018 18:45

What about parking your car a few streets away and then walk the rest to work, if they then say can you give me a lift just sorry my cars out of action, then walk back to your car

I also thought this. No you shouldn't have to do it, but it works if it is a safe area. You can let the 19 year old know you will still give her a lift if she walks back with you.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 19/12/2018 19:05

I think regarding the £7 OP the problem really was not just that you offered to have it docked from your wages ( never do that again Wink) but that you’re judging people by your own standards. It’s our baseline for how we expect other people to behave and it’s always a letdown when they turn out to be twats- if someone had said that to me over seven quid I’d have glossed over it and never mentioned it again- I suspect you would have too.

These however are CFs and you can’t judge them by your standards.

I did it for years, loaning money never returned, giving lifts etc. there’s plenty of ways to say ‘no’ politely and firmly without putting noses out of joint.

You go tell them to bugger off! (Politely of course Wink)

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 19/12/2018 19:06

*there are, not there’s

Original poster
AntiTreeHugger · 19/12/2018 19:38

It’d take me about 20 mins to walk home. It’s not in the best area so I wouldn’t even consider walking. That’s why I learned drive.
God why is it so hard for me to say eff you all?!

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 19/12/2018 19:49

You find saying No hard because you see it as saying eff you all

Saying I don't want to is not the same as saying fuck the lot of you

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 19/12/2018 19:52

How much would it cost you to get a taxi home?

You need to do something to break the habit - and if you want to be non-confrontational about it, there are ways. Your car fails the MOT, so you need to get a taxi, your DH collects you with the kids in the back so no one else fits in, you cycle - whatever. This is costing you time and money!

CottonTailRabbit · 19/12/2018 19:53

If you text each of them individually now saying you won't be giving lifts any more then that is a completely normal thing to do. Surely you can tell from this thread that most people would regard it as a totally reasonable course of action. You are not being an aggressive tit for deciding that actually you just don't want to. You would be being normal!

Is your inability to effect normal boundaries why you have to work nights at a pub to get a break from wifework?

Holidayshopping · 19/12/2018 19:59

Your attitude is bizarre. Rather than thinking-‘I need to get more assertive so I don’t let people walk all over me like a doormat’ you decide that you wish you could be more of a cunt and tell people to F off?!

The word isn’t split into
A) really rude people who don’t have to give lifts to other people and
B) really nice people who do have to give lifts.

I am a nice person who doesn’t tell people to F off and who isn’t a c*nt, but I don’t get taken for rides when it comes to lifts and I’m not a doormat.