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Original poster

DD16 has met a boy online who she wants to meet

82 replies

halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 15:24

They got talking on an app called Yubo (Tinder for under 18s she says Hmm) and soon after they added each other on Snapchat. They've been talking for about a week and yesterday he asked if she'd like to go to the cinema with him after Christmas. She said yes, and that's when she told me about this lad. Apparently he is the same age (school year above, he's at college DD Y11), they like the same music, have the same sense of humour and she says he is very respectful, she doesn't think he's just after one thing. He does live in the far north of our city (we're far south) but he offered to meet DD at a cinema near us.

I was a little bit taken aback. I obviously gave the "40 year old perv" talk but she won't entertain the idea. She says that if he was a perv he wouldn't have offered to meet her in a public area 10 minutes away from her house. And also that all of his social media has been going years and seems genuine. She let me have a look at his social media and nothing about that raises any red flags, he seems to have a good consistent friend group etc and posts how you would expect a 16 year old lad to but I'm still not sure.

She wants to meet up sometime in between Christmas and New Year. They plan to meet at the shopping mall where the cinema is at about 5ish and then get something to eat afterwards. Then part ways as the lad has to get a train home. DD plans to walk home as we live just outside the town and it's a 10 minute walk.

I'm leaning towards letting her do it because at 16 she is more than capable of sneaking out and meeting him anyway if I say no. Whereas at least if I'm in the know I can check up on her through text/pick her up if she gets uneasy. I've given her a bit of a lecture "always stay where you are surrounded by people, don't leave your drink unattended, don't be afraid to say no" etc. Stuff that applies to meeting someone from online anyway, not just when it's teenagers. Am I taking the right approach here

OP posts:
Original poster
halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 15:30

Bump

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 19/12/2018 15:32

Yes I think so. You have given her good guidelines to stay safe, and are there if she needs you to be.

ChristmasRaven · 19/12/2018 15:33

I'm of the view that it's far better if teenagers can be honest with their parents. That way you know where they are and who they're with. You're right she could easily sneak off anyway if you say no. I think there comes a time when you have to trust that you have raised a sensible child and treat them accordingly. If you want added peace of mind you could maybe arrange to pick her up from town when they're finished. Their plans all center around public places so I would be inclined to let her go.

Satsumaeater · 19/12/2018 15:35

Can't you say she can go but go with her and keep a low profile somewhere in the cinema foyer to make sure he is only 17? Also give her a safe word that she can text you if she is worried and you can be straight to the cinema to get her.

And don't let her walk home alone, collect her.

MartaHallard · 19/12/2018 15:35

Can you suggest she gets a friend and friend's boyfriend to go along, and make it a foursome? And she doesn't go off alone with the boy, and they don't go off and leave her alone with him. If he's genuine, he shouldn't have any problem with that. And if he does try to get her to ditch the friends and go off with him, perhaps he's not such a nice boy.

Alternatively, you could go with her to meet him and have a coffee before the film, but at 16 she might not like that idea.

ErickBroch · 19/12/2018 15:36

I think it's amazing she has told you everything, it's great. I did similar and I never told my parents - thinking back now makes me feel sick!! What a great daughter.

I would personally want to drop her off and pick her up, but that's up to you.

elfyears · 19/12/2018 15:36

I would definitely be going with her.

You don't have to stay glued to them but definitely there to meet him. Be in the area for the duration of the film so you are close to hand.

If all else goes well then their second meet can be unchaperoned. I have met people offline as an adult, there are a lot of liars out there... some who have made me uneasy.
If you feel that she would be able to cope with managing this herself and get out of the situation without help then let her go.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/12/2018 15:36

Just make her aware that sometimes these people are yes let’s meet in public....right up until minutes before when there is an emergency/ sos and could you just meet me in this place.....
Tell her to ONLY meet him where agreed and any changes are a red flag.

southnownorth · 19/12/2018 15:36

My dd met her ex via Instagram when she was 16. He lived fairly local.

I made sure she took a few friends with her incase he was dodgy, but all was fine.

A lot of teens meet boyfriends and girlfriends over social media these days.

Heartofglass21 · 19/12/2018 15:38

She's 16, let her meet up with him. If he turns out to be a bloke in his 30's with a fake social media presence, she can walk away from him fast.

Would she let you call her half an hour into the date to check all is well? I used to do the 'rescue phone call' when my friend was OLD - if she answered saying 'thanks for letting me know, that's great,' I'd know all was well. If she answered with 'what? Seriously? That's terrible, I'll be right over!' I knew her date was not the handsome charmer he'd claimed to be and she could then make her excuses and leave.

There's a lot of scare stories about catfishing and the like, but the chances are, this is a straightforward boy meets girl scenario.

MaderiaCycle · 19/12/2018 15:39

Make sure she has enough money to get a taxi home, or she can call you and even just hang up and you’ll come and get her, whatever happens good or bad she can tell you about it. She’s been pretty open so far. Maybe you could watch her meet him from a distance with her knowing - don’t do it without her knowing as she’s trusted you to tell you so far and that’s really precious.

NancyDonahue · 19/12/2018 15:40

I'm sure its ok. They've probably been face timing etc. Its harder for a 50 year old hairy geezer to pretend to be a young lad nowadays with video phones.

Would she be happy if you offered to go with her just so you can both see with your own eyes that he's genuine. Then go off and leave them to it.

We had something similar with dd when she was 15 but she was meeting a female friend. We met up with the girl said hi and left then to it.

Houseonahill · 19/12/2018 15:41

I agree, let her go, give her the talk and make sure she can get hold of you if she needs you. She sounds sensible as well. I think if you didn't let her go you run the risk of A) her going anyway and not telling you and B) of her never telling you things like that again.

IHaveBrilloHair · 19/12/2018 15:41

Dd17 met her bf on Instagram, he's fine, a decent boy.
They first met in person in the middle of a busy city.
There were a few loose social media connections because of their schools but both him and Dd live an hour outside the city in opposite directions.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2018 15:42

I think your approach is perfect and agree with other posters that it’s great she felt able to tell you. Just drum into her not to let him talk her into changing the plans once agreed; and I like Heartofglass’s suggestion that you phone her 30 minutes after the agreed meet up time so that she has the opportunity to leave if it isn’t going as she was hoping for.

anniehm · 19/12/2018 15:42

You are right that just saying no doesn't work with teenagers, so the best thing is to keep emphasising the staying safe guidelines of meeting in a busy place, not giving her home address on the first date etc. Internet dating is normal now however scary for us parents!

Original poster
halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 15:43

I have thought about driving her to the shopping mall and watching her meet him from a distance, if all is well and they head in to see the film then I will take DS (3) into the soft play centre near to the cinema and hang around there until the film is done. Then if she comes out of the film looking happily enough I'll leave them to get a meal and then DD can send a text once he's gone and we can go home together. I've not asked DD about this idea yet though. She may kick off.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 19/12/2018 15:44

Alternatively, you could go with her to meet him and have a coffee before the film

Please don't suggest that to her! Shock

It sounds like she is being very sensible about it and has done her research on him! I would let her go.

Slightlycoddled · 19/12/2018 15:45

Agree with Marta. Suggest she goes in a foursome. Other couple can stay in the vicinity. It may be perfectly ok but she only has his word for it as to who he really is. Teens can be really mature and daft as a brush all at the same time! Even if he is ok, but she doesn't want to prolong the meeting, having her friends there will provide her with a good excuse to wrap it up "my friends are waiting for me" kind of thing.

Slightlycoddled · 19/12/2018 15:46

Or your strategy sounds good too op!

lljkk · 19/12/2018 15:47

Meet in a public place & check he's who he said he is. If he's lied about anything important tear a strip off him & depart.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/12/2018 15:48

I was in my early teens at just the point where home internet access (albeit dial up!) was becoming commonplace. For me, growing up in a small town, early social media and online chat rooms really did play quite a significant part in my adolescence, allowing me to connect with people and ideas and influences I’d never have encountered otherwise. My parents were probably terrified about it - but did agree to letting me meet up with friends I made through forums and hobby chat groups as long as I promised to follow their safety advice. And I’m pleased to say I was fortunate enough to only have positive experiences in meeting people who were exactly who they said they were (and two are still acquaintances I interact with on Facebook from time to time today, 20 years later.)

Aridane · 19/12/2018 15:51

Can't you say she can go but go with her and keep a low profile somewhere in the cinema foyer to make sure he is only 17?

Alternatively, you could go with her to meet him and have a coffee before the film

I - she just won’t share this sort of thing with you if you insist being introduced or stalking her / hovering in the background

Aridane · 19/12/2018 15:51

That was supposed to say NO!

Miffymeow · 19/12/2018 15:51

When I was 16 I used to meet people I'd been talking to online sometimes... but I wouldn't tell my mum I was doing it. It's fantastic that she has told you about this, so personally I'd say yes but be very careful about it. It's much better she is telling you and you know what is going on than she does it in secret, and if you are positive about it then she is more likely to confide in you and trust you in future too. I didn't tell my parents as I knew they would say no, and at that age I thought I knew better than them and everything would be fine.
As an adult I've met plenty of people from the internet, and all have been fine. Some a little weird, but no weirder than people I've met outside the internet.

I think it's harder these days to pretend to be someone else anyway due to the huge amounts of social media, instagram, facebook, snapchat etc. Make sure to really drill into her to stay in public places, ensure she has enough money to get a cab home, perhaps set times for her to check in with you, maybe with a secret code word so you know it is definitely her texting you etc.

Best of luck