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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD16 has met a boy online who she wants to meet

82 replies

halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 15:24

They got talking on an app called Yubo (Tinder for under 18s she says ) and soon after they added each other on Snapchat. They've been talking for about a week and yesterday he asked if she'd like to go to the cinema with him after Christmas. She said yes, and that's when she told me about this lad. Apparently he is the same age (school year above, he's at college DD Y11), they like the same music, have the same sense of humour and she says he is very respectful, she doesn't think he's just after one thing. He does live in the far north of our city (we're far south) but he offered to meet DD at a cinema near us.

I was a little bit taken aback. I obviously gave the "40 year old perv" talk but she won't entertain the idea. She says that if he was a perv he wouldn't have offered to meet her in a public area 10 minutes away from her house. And also that all of his social media has been going years and seems genuine. She let me have a look at his social media and nothing about that raises any red flags, he seems to have a good consistent friend group etc and posts how you would expect a 16 year old lad to but I'm still not sure.

She wants to meet up sometime in between Christmas and New Year. They plan to meet at the shopping mall where the cinema is at about 5ish and then get something to eat afterwards. Then part ways as the lad has to get a train home. DD plans to walk home as we live just outside the town and it's a 10 minute walk.

I'm leaning towards letting her do it because at 16 she is more than capable of sneaking out and meeting him anyway if I say no. Whereas at least if I'm in the know I can check up on her through text/pick her up if she gets uneasy. I've given her a bit of a lecture "always stay where you are surrounded by people, don't leave your drink unattended, don't be afraid to say no" etc. Stuff that applies to meeting someone from online anyway, not just when it's teenagers. Am I taking the right approach here

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 19/12/2018 22:07

Totally agree with poster above. I would continue being open with her and explain your concerns and ask what she thinks would be the best way to proceed, and work from there.

Original poster

halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 22:57

Ok, just spoken to DD. I suggested the idea of me sticking around at the soft play centre with my 3yo and watching them from afar. She actually reacted better than I thought, turns out she had been reading up on creepy online dating experiences and had been having second thoughts, so asked a few friends to tag along but they aren't very reliable when it comes to plans. So she was going to ask me to watch from afar anyway. She is a sensible girl.

The plan is:

The boy isn't allowed to know I'm there. We go in and once she spots the lad we separate and I wait just by the door of the softplay centre until they greet and head into the cinema, I am at no point allowed to introduce myself to the lad. I liked the suggestion some of you said about having a phrase to use on the phone if she is uncomfortable. She is going to make and excuse to go go the toilet halfway through the film and ring me to give her "verdict". We've agreed on "Can you turn my bedroom heater off I think I forgot before I left?" to be the signal that she wants me to come and save her in case he insists on following her out of the screen. If she rings and says everything is fine I'll stay in softplay and wait to hear from her again once the film has finished, they've had something to eat and he's gone. Phew. I hope me and DD have covered evey eventuality!

OP posts:

SuperSuperSuper · 19/12/2018 23:09

It's a good plan and it's great that she talks to you. I never discussed dates with my mum at that age.

hooveringhamabeads · 19/12/2018 23:12

Ah bless her, she does sound super sensible and I think her date sounds sweet. I think getting to know people through social media can actually be a positive thing, at least they can sound each other out a bit first. At that age, I would go to clubs underage, get off my tits on drink/drugs, meet men and then arrange to meet them again on the basis of knowing precisely nothing about them. And no one had mobiles so other than ‘I’m going out’, my parents would know nothing about where I was or who I was with. Your dd sounds a lot nicer than I was!

And as for the 40 year old man thing, dd1 rolls her eyes at this whenever I say anything like this - apparently there’s lots of jokey memes among the yoofs about how according to parents the internet is ONLY used by 40 year old men, as that’s always who they seem to think people they are chatting to are .

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 23:21

I'd let her do it but would sit in the shopping centre and watch her meet him, if he is who he says then you can leave.

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/12/2018 23:21

Although why don't they just FaceTime first?

moredoll · 19/12/2018 23:22

I'd go with your update. If she's as sensible as she seems she'll understand why you want to hover.

Lovingbenidorm · 19/12/2018 23:29

I’ve typed and deleted a post three times here🙄
My absolute gut says ‘NO’
i think you’ve really got to see this bloke.
I would definitely not be happy about my dd meeting an unknown boy in these circumstances

Yabbers · 19/12/2018 23:32

I’d only let it happen if I met him with her. If she kicks off, the answer is no.

AugustRose · 19/12/2018 23:46

We had a similar situation recently, DD is 16 (almost 17) and at college and met someone via Instagram who lives 90 miles away. We had a similar conversation as you about our concerns and people not always being who they say.

Because we live rurally we agreed he could come to our house and DH went with DD to collect him from the station. He was indeed a 16 year old boy and looked quite nervous He has been again since and then she visited him.

It's awful being scared for your teenage DC but they have to be allowed to make decisions for themselves at some point. It sounds like you have a good relationship so hopefully it will all be good. But you could say that you will be dropping her off and waiting until you have seen him before you leave.

The worry is now that we have concerns about people our DC meet online but in reality they could meet someone while out in town with friends that you have not clue about.

HildaZelda · 19/12/2018 23:47

Your DD sounds great. I love that she's able to talk to you and it's sounds like she's pretty sensible.
I can understand why she talks to you though because you sound like a great Mum.
I would never have told my mother anything and if I'd been in a situation like your DD, my mother wouldn't have allowed me to go (very controlling) and then would have continuously told me that I was stupid and naive etc. I have been in some bad relationships because of the way she was with me and the things she said.

I hope all goes well for your DD, that she has a great date and that you and her will always be able to talk like that. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't envious of your relationship.

AugustRose · 19/12/2018 23:48

Sorry just read your update, your DD sounds very sensible.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 20/12/2018 00:37

It's a tricky one, as a parent it is our initial instinct to scream noooooo.

My son met up with an 18 year old boy he had met online last weekend. It was 30 minutes away in a city center. At first when he asked me I panicked as you hear/read of all sorts of awful things happening. I have always repeatedly made sure DS understands internet safety and as he was a gamer we had watched the heartbreaking Breck Bedner documentary last year.

He had been talking to this boy with him for 3 months and had video chatted with him a few times too. I then calmed down and realised that my DS has allowed me to be informed of his plans and when it comes to teens this is a really positive thing. When I was 16 I took silly risks and would not have told my parents where I was going.

I went through the whole safety checklist and reiterated how important that is was that he should not go anywhere alone with this boy and stay in busy areas. He sent me two photographs of the boy, showed me his social media account and gave me his full name and area he lived. DS's friend went with him and and stayed with him initially and friend also had "find my friends" on his phone so he could keep checking where DS was. DS had to send me a text every hour but he also sent a few pictures of where he was throughout the day.

I won't lie I spent the whole day with my heart in my mouth until I picked him back up at the train station. In less than a couple of years DS wants to go to uni so I have to have confidence that he will do as much as possible to minimise any possible risks and part of that is gaining DS's trust so that he tells me things like this.

Your DD sounds like a sensible girl so with the plans suggested I would let her meet this boy.

Floofboopborkandsnoot · 20/12/2018 02:12

I’d assume if they’ve been talking on snapchat she’s seen his face plenty of times to know he is who he says he is. Your plan sounds great and much better than just telling her no, so much of teenagers lives are online now so at some point you have to let go a little and accept they’re going to meet people and make friends over the internet. At 16, and younger tbh, I was doing this but not telling anyone so it’s good she has told you.

VeggyGravy · 20/12/2018 08:29

She seems pretty level headed. If she'd met him on a night out the day before she wouldn't know any more about him than a couple days of cyber stalking could find out anyway.

MrsBrownsSister · 20/12/2018 08:44

@Halseyismyname123 The odds are it's safe BUT a friend of my DC was groomed online by someone pretending to be their age.

It's a long story but they had suspicions, played along, and in the end involved the police as the person ( pervert) arranged to meet them in a public place- the railway station - mainline to a big city. He was arrested and I think is serving time now.

I would drop your DD off and hover in the foyer to make sure it is another teen and not a 40 yr old paedo.

She ought to understand this. And there is NO WAY I'd allow her to walk home - go and collect her.

MrsBrownsSister · 20/12/2018 08:45

If she'd met him on a night out the day before she wouldn't know any more about him than a couple days of cyber stalking could find out anyway .

Yes but she'd have SEEN him and know he wasn't 45 pretending to be 17.

MrsBrownsSister · 20/12/2018 08:52

What worries me about some posts here is that some posters are very naive.

Having a social media account with a photo says NOTHING.

There are some very clever, but undesirable people who are able to create false profiles across several platforms, so it all looks genuine.

There have been cases in the media of adult women being duped by men on dating sites who have extracted their life's savings from them after 'grooming them' using fake accounts, even fake passport photos, fake recorded films of themselves and a whole lot more.

Please do not underestimate the ability of people to create fake profiles regardless of the platforms they use.

Obviously this a not that common BUT the default setting in anyone's head has to be ' this person could be anyone' until they have actually met them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/12/2018 08:58

Good update OP - your DD sounds really sensible and (because we don't say this enough on MN) you have obviously done a brilliant job bringing her up - she is smart about risk but still open enough to want to be out and about in the world. That's a really hard balance so bloody good job!

Fairylea · 20/12/2018 09:40

Great update op. She sounds very mature and it’s great you have such a close relationship.

Fingers crossed he’s lovely and she likes him and they have a great time!

Ariela · 20/12/2018 09:43

Sounds like your daughter is a very sensible girl

chipsandgin · 20/12/2018 09:47

Great plan OP. This parenting lark is a minefield!

Zoflorabore · 20/12/2018 09:58

Well done op! That is a great plan and all eventualities seem to be covered.

I'm 40 so grew up without all of the internet thing when life was simpler blah blah but I'm aware of how important it is to ds who is almost 16 and how this could be him soon enough and I would 100% take the same approach as you.
Ds tells me pretty much everything ( sometimes too much! ) "Mum I've measured my willy and I think I'm ok" that was an interesting conversation so I trust that he will be like your dd and involve me in the process.

I hope your dd has a lovely time.
My dd is nearly 8 so won't be going through it with her for ages and ages thank god...

VimFuego101 · 20/12/2018 10:38

Your DD sounds very sensible. I would allow this given the precautions that you've agreed.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/12/2018 15:14

@MrsBrownsSister you’re not wrong, but did you miss the part of snap chatting regularly? That’s a video call. Very different to one static picture as a profile pic.

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