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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD16 has met a boy online who she wants to meet

82 replies

halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 15:24

They got talking on an app called Yubo (Tinder for under 18s she says Hmm) and soon after they added each other on Snapchat. They've been talking for about a week and yesterday he asked if she'd like to go to the cinema with him after Christmas. She said yes, and that's when she told me about this lad. Apparently he is the same age (school year above, he's at college DD Y11), they like the same music, have the same sense of humour and she says he is very respectful, she doesn't think he's just after one thing. He does live in the far north of our city (we're far south) but he offered to meet DD at a cinema near us.

I was a little bit taken aback. I obviously gave the "40 year old perv" talk but she won't entertain the idea. She says that if he was a perv he wouldn't have offered to meet her in a public area 10 minutes away from her house. And also that all of his social media has been going years and seems genuine. She let me have a look at his social media and nothing about that raises any red flags, he seems to have a good consistent friend group etc and posts how you would expect a 16 year old lad to but I'm still not sure.

She wants to meet up sometime in between Christmas and New Year. They plan to meet at the shopping mall where the cinema is at about 5ish and then get something to eat afterwards. Then part ways as the lad has to get a train home. DD plans to walk home as we live just outside the town and it's a 10 minute walk.

I'm leaning towards letting her do it because at 16 she is more than capable of sneaking out and meeting him anyway if I say no. Whereas at least if I'm in the know I can check up on her through text/pick her up if she gets uneasy. I've given her a bit of a lecture "always stay where you are surrounded by people, don't leave your drink unattended, don't be afraid to say no" etc. Stuff that applies to meeting someone from online anyway, not just when it's teenagers. Am I taking the right approach here

OP posts:
OhOk · 19/12/2018 15:55

I also did similar at 17 without telling anyone —we’re now married— and still no one knows how we actually met! But we had been Skyping for a year previously and I’d seen his house and family in the background and had him on Facebook etc so was fairly confident he was who he said he was.

It’s really good she has told you, I think your plan is a good one as is the foursome idea. Have they FaceTimed or something similar? Photos and even videos can be taken from elsewhere and although obviously people can lie a bit about their age/personality, at least you would know he isn’t a 50 year old perv!

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 19/12/2018 16:00

I'd go with her and hover in the foyer. No need to introduce yourself or go in with her. Just to check he is who he says he is.

mansneverhot · 19/12/2018 16:09

I also met up with LOADS of internet strangers at your DD's age (and younger - went the whole way across the country in secret for a meet up at 15, some of the girls I met there were 13 ffs)

It's great that she trusts you. Now trust her! I think dropping her off and picking her up is the limit of what you can get away with without alienating her. She sounds sensible.

Grimbles · 19/12/2018 16:20

If she is mature and sensible enough to talk to you about this then (imo) she would understand if you were to be i the foyer just to lay eyes on him. He doesn't have to know you are there so as not to embarrass her thoughGrin

Augusta2012 · 19/12/2018 18:16

A murderer was convicted of killing a girl he met over facebook recently in London. Her name was Viktorija. He was 16 but he was still dangerous. And he met her in a public park too. Also grooming gangs also send in young lads to befriend teenagers who then pass them onto older men when they’ve sucked them in.

If I was you I’d let her go, but stay in the immediate vicinity. Have a code phrase so she can call you and let you know something is wrong. Like “Yes I know you want me to get milk on the way home” or “Has Juanita dropped off my jacket.”

If she wants to see him again, next time insist he comes over to yours to meet you so you can check him out. If he’s a nice boy he will understand and won’t mind.

Silkie2 · 19/12/2018 18:31

What about asking him to come to your house to collect her if it's only 10 mins from cinema?

BlueJava · 19/12/2018 18:34

She has trusted you enough to tell you - I think you should let her do it. If you don't let her she'll probably see him anyway.

Just because a pervs and wierdos get bad press it doesn't mean everyone is like that on line - I met my other half on line in the 1990s (actually before dating websites on something called newsgroups) and we're still together with 2 children and very happy. Not saying this will go further for her obviously she is v young but not everyone online is crazy!

WWlOOlWW · 19/12/2018 18:34

Go with her but hide

Take a picture of him from afar and check that you are happy he hasn't lied about his age.

Tell her she has to add you on snap chat and keep her location on so you can see where she is.

Find out what time his train home will be.

Give her a safe word or sentence.

Pick her up.

Original poster
halseyismyname123 · 19/12/2018 20:14

Augusta2012 Oh that has me frightened now. I think I'll probably have to insist on being there from a distance.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 19/12/2018 20:19

I would still keep an eye on them from a distance.

LadyLance · 19/12/2018 20:35

I think the plan of making the first date a double date (if she has good friends) is a good middle ground between you being there and her meeting him on her own.

Alternatively, having her text you at pre-agreed times would be a good idea. He needs to be aware she is doing this, but not what the times are.

However, if you'll only feel safe about this if you see him first too, then that's fine.

I do think most "digital natives" have met online friends in person, and in reality only a very small proportion turn out to be dodgy. If they regularly snapchat, he's unlikely to be much older than he says he is, as snapchatting is harder to fake than other social media.

SmileEachDay · 19/12/2018 20:47

Your girl has been really open with you. That’s great.

I would float the idea of coming with her rather than imposing it - - protecting that openness is important. She may well hate the idea - I know I would have done and I know the yr11s I teach would.

If she meets him publicly can you ask her to FaceTime you as soon a they meet? You can see his face then? Then tell her you’ll do an “emergency get out” call at x time. If she doesn’t answer, you’re coming to get her and telling the police.

SapphireSeptember · 19/12/2018 20:51

I've had both scenarios, met my first boyfriend online at 17 (both his parents came with him when we met up, my mum just sent my younger brother with me. Grin )
Then I met my ex-h online when I was 18 and snuck out to meet him. My mum was horrified when I told her what I'd been up to (not that we actually did anything and even if we had I was legal) but I know it could have been really dangerous for other reasons.
I think it's really good she's been open with you and she'll be fine. Smile

BlueJay1 · 19/12/2018 21:00

How lovely your dd told you.
I'd have never told my mother at that age. I remember meeting boys I'd met online. Very dangerous but my mind was blurred, thought I was invincible!
Ask her not to go alone. A friend etc could accompany?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 19/12/2018 21:02

Please don’t embarrass your daughter by going with her.

Ask her to arrange a double date and/or have a solution where she can text if she needs an out.

She’s got her head screwed on, she’s seen him in snapchat, I think there’s a very low likelihood that this is some 40 year old trying to groom her. And if he was, it’s too late now because he’s already had unfettered access to her via snapchat.

Fairylea · 19/12/2018 21:07

I used to meet people I’d met online when I was 16 ish. All the usual safety stuff etc. Never had any issues at all. Apart from one where he turned out to be about 3ft tall and my 16 year old self was totally embarrassed and wanted to run and hide (I didn’t).

I think we’re all told everyone online is an axe murderer nowadays but the reality is, as in real life, most people are nice; the weirdos are fewer and further between but it’s always best to be sensible and stay safe. And yes have a good safe word / sign she can text you if she needs you. My gran got me out of many dodgy dates that way - not dodgy as in dangerous, I mean I just didn’t fancy them!

I met dh online on plenty of fish. We’ve been together 10 years now.

LokiBear · 19/12/2018 21:10

Absolutely do go with her, linger from a distance and stay in the vicinity at the soft play. If all is well, you can back off for next time. Your daughters integrity is not being questioned. She is young and inexperienced. All you are doing is giving her a support system.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 19/12/2018 21:22

Can you go with her and hang about to make sure he is who he says he is? Don't introduce yourself or anything Grin
Check he is 17, that he looks like his picture and then maybe hang around the shopping centre (have some dinner or a coffee?) just in case.

I think it's excellent your DD has told you! Great daughter and great mum!

It's not fair that a teenager cannot meet up with someone without the fear of being in danger; but you've given her all the right talks and information.
If I were in your shoes I would just want to make sure everything was above board for the first meeting.

God, I'm dreading my DD getting older Sad

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 19/12/2018 21:23

@LokiBear I would be really concerned if they arranged to meet at soft play Grin

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 19/12/2018 21:26

Oops, I've got that belly upwards.

Sorry @LokiBear I'm full of morphine at the moment.

That'll teach me to read the full thread Blush

Bailey20 · 19/12/2018 21:43

I've had it both ways. I once met up with someone without telling my mum or dad (when I was 13) and that really didn't go well- they were in their 40's and left me absolutely petrified. Two years later I got chatting to someone on MySpace, told my mum about it and she insisted on him meeting her first, then we went to the cinema. Now 11 years later and we're still together and have our baby. It's brilliant she's told you and that his accounts seem genuine. Your plan of following seems good. There's a movement going around on social media at the moment that I expect your DD may have seen but I'd tell her- women are being told on dates etc, that if they are in trouble to go to a member of staff and ask if Angela is working. That specific phrase will alert the staff member that something is not right and they will help

straightjeans · 19/12/2018 21:46

If you blow this for her she won't be this open again. Tread carefully.

AnoukSpirit · 19/12/2018 21:50

The issue isn't solely whether he's a much older man pretending to be a teenager, it's whether he's grooming her and/or intends to exploit her etc.

Teenagers and young men have done that too. With dreadful consequences.

And of course they say all the right things online. They wouldn't gain any trust otherwise.

How confident are you in her understanding of healthy relationships and being able to spot coercive control/grooming?

OurChristmasMiracle · 19/12/2018 21:50

Sorry but no way would I let my 16 year old daughter go to meet a stranger on her own. I wouldn’t care the social media is a few years old- paedophile rings will run Facebook pages for years and possibly have multiple victims in that time! Please please make sure someone goes with her, or you are very close by. I would also ask her to carry a rape alarm so if she’s in trouble she can use it.

I agree if you don’t let her she will either sneak out to see him or in future not tell you her plans. You just need to make it as least risky as possible for her.

Any changes in location I would tell her she needs to abandon the date. I would also tell her to ask him to let her know when he’s on the train (and check arrivals/departures) especially if he “misses” the train and needs to come later.

AnoukSpirit · 19/12/2018 21:58

I do think focusing on the "middle aged man" issue can be so deeply unhelpful in protecting teenagers.

We focus on that to the exclusion of all the other more likely possibilities (e.g. That someone a similar age could appear perfectly nice, but still entrap them in an abusive situation) so when they establish the person they're talking to does not fall into the category of middle aged man they suspend all other critical thought and refuse to entertain the possibility he could pose any risk, like being the age he said he was is the only thing that matters and he cannot possibly turn out to be grooming them if he was honest about his age...

It's like stranger danger. More likely to be harmed by someone known.

Don't teach teenagers just to conduct age verification, also teach them the dynamics of coercive control so they can see when they're being targeted before they get sucked in.