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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find my brothers request odd?

61 replies

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 00:28

I live in the UK with DS6 and DH. I work full-time. My DM86 lives in an European city that is 3hs away. She lives by herself in a retirement home. My brother lives in the same city. He is married and has two adult children. My best friend also lives in the same area but 30min on the train away from the city center, she has a teen and a DD8, she does not drive (this might be relevant)

DM was admitted to hospital on Saturday - she was feeling fatigued and turned out she had low oxygen in blood.

I flew to see her and was with her Mon-Tue. I managed to talk to the doctors and organised other several things for her. Her doctor knows that I live abroad, he gave me his email in case I wanted to ask questions but reassured me she was not in a critical condition. It seems that they will keep her in for further analysis and plan an appropriate treatment.

We (DH, DS and I) are flying accross the Atlantic to spend Xmas with my in-Laws on Monday.
I had a chat with my brother yesterday where he asked me if, given that i will not be around for two weeks, my friend could "take my place", ie go to see DM in hospital, talk to doctors etc etc.

I always feel intimidated by my brother so my first reaction was to say that I would ask her but now I feel this is a ridiculous request. I mean of course I can ask my friend to go and visit DM in hospital at some point (in fact she already offered) but surely asking her anymore than that would be awkward?

AIBU to think my brother is being odd here? He even said that he knew two people who did something like this in similar circumstances and it did not end well.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2018 00:38

Your brother is a bellend who is taking the piss. Tell him to get off his arse and care for his mother. FFS. He's not "odd", he's a lazy twat.

Hauskat · 19/12/2018 00:40

I do think that’s bizarre. Is there a reason why he can’t talk to doctors?

MrsTommyBanks · 19/12/2018 00:43

Why can't your DB do it? He is being ridiculous.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 00:47

Oh sorry, that's not what I meant!
He has visited DM (briefly though) but can't see her everyday.

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 00:49

And will not be able to see the doctors tomorrow or Thursday

OP posts:

LorraineBainesMcFly · 19/12/2018 00:58

YANBU......I agree this request is totally bizarre from your DB.
Your friend is not ‘next-of-kin’ so I would doubt that the doctors would be willing to discuss much with her anyway and she certainly would not be able to make any decisions regarding care.
I am a bit intimidated by my DB too so dont know how you can back out of it other than maybe suggesting a kind of halfway where your friend visits once or twice but isn’t expected to engage with the doctors.

Also wondering where your DB’s friends are who could visit or even his adult children.....

DishingOutDone · 19/12/2018 01:01

What did you mean then? I'm lost - has he asked if your friend can talk to the doctors or not? is he expecting her to come to visit your mother on the train every day and then have to deal with her clinicians? Or do you mean he needs "cover" for a day or something?

I don't think either is reasonable your friend doesn't drive and is not next of kin. Why can't he do it?

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 19/12/2018 01:08

Right do you mean take your place or his? If you mean your friend visiting means he isnt going to visit and hes trying to use your friend as defacto next of kin so he can be as some body else put it be a lazy arse and not be a son and talk to the doctors or visit his own mother then yes tell him to do it himself.

If you mean he is still visiting and being the main point of contact for the doctors just having your friend as a second visitor then no i dont think he is actually no. I actally think he's thinkijg certianly of your mother and prehaps you.

See you've said he cant visit every day, maybe hes trying to find away for your mum to have some one visit her every day. Rather than her feel like no one is there for her in the outside world. And i appricate that you have an email adress but surely actually having it from the horses mouth so to speak, having a oh i saw uour mum shes doing well we had a good conversation is better than a cold and clinical email. Maybe he thinks having your friend visit would be reassurance for you and your mum.

I know if my family were in hospital i'd like to know they were being visited and had somd one that wasnt the doctor to chat too and i'd be reassured by my friend visiting.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 01:11

My post was in reply to PP saying he was a lazy and why could he not talk to the doctors.

I didn't mean that he wanted my friend to do everything so he can sit on his arse.

But what he does want is that I make sure that if he cannot go for whatever reason my friend will go instead, as I would do if I were

Not sure if that makes more or less sense now. Sorry it's been a long day

OP posts:

KC225 · 19/12/2018 01:21

Can her adult grandchildren fill in the slack? Or your brother's wife? I wouldn't ask your friend. I would mention it as you would in, how is your mum doing? Does your friend know your mum? If she OFFERS to visit, I wouldn't even suggest a rota - its cheeky. Say no to your brother - you have thought about it and its not appropriate.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 01:25

Thanks Onions, maybe I'm wrong but I don't think that's what he meant.

He didn't say that he wanted DM to feel looked after etc it felt more about division of responsibilities - he'd do his part and since I'm not there I should find a "replacement"

But maybe you are right and it just came out the wrong way

OP posts:

boringlyboring · 19/12/2018 01:28

Is she just your friend, or a friend of the whole family? I don’t think it’s that bizarre if she has some sort of relationship with your dm, if there is no one else available.

DaisyDreaming · 19/12/2018 01:29

The request is a bit odd but I would do it for a friend, I find if people don’t push or chase things in hospital then errors can be made and things go unnoticed. As I say I would do it for a friend but it’s a big ask, especially over Christmas

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 01:35

@boringboring - she is my friend but knows my DM very well. She will certainly go and visit her, but I don't feel it is fair to ask her to take the responsibility to talk the doctors for example

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 01:42

@Dishingoutdone - yes he'd expect her to come on the train and talk to the doctors

OP posts:

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 19/12/2018 02:09

Does he want shared responsablity to talk to the doctors because he doesnt want to do it and he thinks your friend doing it and as i said earlier almost acting as a defacto next of kin? Ie if you were there, would he leave it all to you. And abdicate responsablity to talk to the doctors. So thinks by asking your friend to be there he can take on less. In which case yes it is unreasonable to ask yoyr friend to do that. And hes trying to get away with being a lazy arse.

Or does he want her to follow things up, be a support to him, case things with the doctor, be an extra advocate for your mum in your absence but not replacing his responsablity.

If its the first, then yes its odd and unreasonable. If its the second and he wants it so theres an extra level of reassurance for you and your mum then, esoecially as your friend has a good relationship witb your mum its nice.

Tbinking about i think tje solution is yes its nice if your friend goes and visits your mum, as some one else has put it, covers for you and your brother on days he cant do or visits her on your behalf when she can. Gives your mum company, and helps make her feel a bit loved. But HE talks to the doctors, its very clear that serious meducal stuff is his responsablity and you keeo in touch through email.

Bluebonnieblue · 19/12/2018 06:20

I agree with the pp who said that your brother is a bellend. What a ridiculous request!

asmallpapercup · 19/12/2018 06:31

Yes I do think its off, however I'll go against the grain a bit and say that as someone in a very similar scenario as your brother I do feel resentful to my less local sibling.
My parents need increasingly more help and my sibling is 4 hours away. I am 1 hour away so I do the majority 99% . Obviously this has an increasingly big burden on me both financially and emotionally. It's also tiring. My sibling pretty much rings once or twice a week for a chat and seems to discharge their responsibility that way.
and then texts me with suggestions about what I should be doing

Maelstrop · 19/12/2018 06:38

Unfair to ask her, especially over the Christmas holiday. Surely she won't be in hospital for the whole 2 weeks? And why can't she go to stay with your db?

gamerwidow · 19/12/2018 06:46

I think it’s ok to ask if your friend could fill in in an emergency as a one off but not for it to be a regular arrangement. That’s too much to ask if a friend especially at Christmas. Just say no but maybe you could offer to go back when you get back from holiday to share the load if you can?

Littleheart5 · 19/12/2018 06:54

I agree with paper cup. I think it’s pretty obvious your brother is making clear to you that it’s unfair to leave the whole burden of caring for your mother on him. Tbh I think it’s odd that you would still go away while your very elderly mother will be in hospital over Xmas. I know you say you have plans made, but plans usually change in these kind of circumstances. Given that there are two of you it would not be fair to expect your brother to take 100% responsibility for visiting your mother while you swan off on your hols!
Asking your friend to go is a red herring, what he is really trying to say/show you is that he can’t be there every day and your elderly mother needs and deserves to be visited most days. An email to doctors simply doesn’t hack it

TheBaltictriangle · 19/12/2018 06:55

The doctor in this country would only discuss a patient's medical history with a next of kin. Your friend is not next of kin however your lazy arse brother is so should step up. It's simple, you say to him that dr won't discuss dm with friend only us so make time for her. He's probably mightily pissed off that his Christmas will include hospital visits & not a massive piss up.

kennelmaid · 19/12/2018 07:04

YANBU I wouldn't ask a friend to do this it's too much. Your DB has three family members who should be the first one's in line to step up.

TheVanguardSix · 19/12/2018 07:04

It's a firm 'no', OP.
Your brother is crossing a line and I think it's too big an ask of your friend.

That being said, he's clearly not coping. And he's getting the brunt of the burden. You really, really need to talk to him about managing your mother together. You need to now carve out an area of your life dedicated to being more 'there' for your mum. It's tough. I've been there. But it's part of life and managing aging parents.
I think you may need to start planning to travel a weekend per month to see her. It's quite overwhelming being the one sibling managing it all and it usually ends up this way. So you need to be a bit more involved, proactive, and supportive. It is what it is and it's not easy.

DonutCone · 19/12/2018 07:08

Very odd request. But you know it is very frustrating to be the local one who ends up doing far, far more. He is probably just annoyed that you are flying across the Atlantic for a nice break why he is stuck there dealing with everything.

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