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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find my brothers request odd?

61 replies

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 00:28

I live in the UK with DS6 and DH. I work full-time. My DM86 lives in an European city that is 3hs away. She lives by herself in a retirement home. My brother lives in the same city. He is married and has two adult children. My best friend also lives in the same area but 30min on the train away from the city center, she has a teen and a DD8, she does not drive (this might be relevant)

DM was admitted to hospital on Saturday - she was feeling fatigued and turned out she had low oxygen in blood.

I flew to see her and was with her Mon-Tue. I managed to talk to the doctors and organised other several things for her. Her doctor knows that I live abroad, he gave me his email in case I wanted to ask questions but reassured me she was not in a critical condition. It seems that they will keep her in for further analysis and plan an appropriate treatment.

We (DH, DS and I) are flying accross the Atlantic to spend Xmas with my in-Laws on Monday.
I had a chat with my brother yesterday where he asked me if, given that i will not be around for two weeks, my friend could "take my place", ie go to see DM in hospital, talk to doctors etc etc.

I always feel intimidated by my brother so my first reaction was to say that I would ask her but now I feel this is a ridiculous request. I mean of course I can ask my friend to go and visit DM in hospital at some point (in fact she already offered) but surely asking her anymore than that would be awkward?

AIBU to think my brother is being odd here? He even said that he knew two people who did something like this in similar circumstances and it did not end well.

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:10

@Booboostwo - she is in Spain, and the hospital where she is is actually amazing. She shares the room with only one patient, and has a team of nurses caring for her.
It's not nice to be in hospital of course, but she is very well looked after so that is not an issue really

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Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:14

@asmallpapercup - I totally get that it must be frustrating to do most of the care, and I am sure my brother is resentful of this.
I try to help and be present as much as I can (also started a thread about this a while ago) and I would never dream of telling him what to do!

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Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:20

@Maelstrop
And why can't she go to stay with your db?

He lives in a small 2bed flat, and I doubt he would do that.

I've been considering this myself, and briefly talked to DH about it, but came to the conclusion that it would not work as she would need to start her treament plan from scratch plus she would be 100% dependent on us (due to language issues)

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Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:27

@Littleheart5 - I understand that plans change, but I do not think I should cancel our well deserved (and expensive) christmas holiday in this situation. If she was in a critical condition, of course I would do it, but she is stable and well looked after.

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Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:32

Sorry, something else @Littleheart5
Given that there are two of you it would not be fair to expect your brother to take 100% responsibility for visiting your mother while you swan off on your hols!

I certainly do not expect that! In fact, he might also go away for a couple of days, and I would never stop him.

he can’t be there every day and your elderly mother needs and deserves to be visited most days.

Can I ask you why you say this without knowing my mother?

OP posts:

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:37

@TheVanguardSix - thanks a lot for your post. I have started to think about travelling more often, but as you say it is not easy. I am totally drained as it is so I really do not know where I would get the energy to do it.

I also need to think carefully re. how much I do out of love and how much I do out of guilt.

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shiningstar2 · 19/12/2018 23:47

I can understand that your brother can't visit everyday but if his wife and grownup kids agree to help it can be a rota of one visit every 4 days for the family and mum gets a visitor every day.

In any event it's not your friend's responsibility. If I knew my friend's mother and my friend was going away for a while I would probably offer a visit or 2 ...but on days which suited me and I would definitely not be speaking to doctors. Far too big a responsibility. As a previous poster said, things can change quickly with the elderly and I wouldn't want that responsibility.

If the doctors can email you then they can email your brother. My MIL aged 92 has recently been in hospital for 10 weeks. The family rallied and she always had a visitor every day for every day and evening. 4 main visitors visiting 4 times a week with any offers from others gratefully taken up.

Having said that I have some sympathy for your brother. It's hard being the one on hand having meetings with hospital staff, pushing for treatment sometimes and constantly visiting when siblings further away don't have the daily impact on their lives.

No easy answers. You are visiting your husband's parents who are also important. Maybe a discussion with your brother giving him a definite date when you will be back might help. It helped us that family living away fully understood if when they came over to visit MIL we took the opportunity for a short break away ourselves.

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:48

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds -
He is setting out his stall and telling you that he isn't willing to take on full responsibility, but in all honesty he does live the closest and sometimes that's just the way it goes. Of course you should help but he can't expect you to do what you would do if you lived around the corner.

This is pretty much what I think. Plus, I think he is very resentful of the fact my mother lives near him. It is not my fault!

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DishingOutDone · 20/12/2018 00:47

he can’t be there every day and your elderly mother needs and deserves to be visited most days

Who on earth said that, it must be far up thread as I can't find it only re-quote from the OP's highlighting - so whoever said it, do you actually think that because the elderly mother "needs and deserves" visits that a friend should be forced to do it?! What sort of madness is that?

Original poster

IamAporcupine · 20/12/2018 07:48

@DishingOutDone - that comment was not about my fried, but in relation to my going away while my mother is in hospital

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/12/2018 09:12

When my DF was in hospital, and I had to travel to take care of another relative, I was grateful that my friends were happy to visit him and we had a rota so that he got a visit most days for the week and a half I wasn’t around. However, they didn’t - and I wouldn’t ever expect or want them to - have any discussions with the medical team. That we did by phone.

I can understand that your DB might not be happy that as the local relative, most is falling to him - however he cannot expect that people outside the family should step in unless it is a particularly close relationship. Your DM will be fine and I am sure you will be able to call her and the hospital as needed.

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