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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find my brothers request odd?

61 replies

IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 00:28

I live in the UK with DS6 and DH. I work full-time. My DM86 lives in an European city that is 3hs away. She lives by herself in a retirement home. My brother lives in the same city. He is married and has two adult children. My best friend also lives in the same area but 30min on the train away from the city center, she has a teen and a DD8, she does not drive (this might be relevant)

DM was admitted to hospital on Saturday - she was feeling fatigued and turned out she had low oxygen in blood.

I flew to see her and was with her Mon-Tue. I managed to talk to the doctors and organised other several things for her. Her doctor knows that I live abroad, he gave me his email in case I wanted to ask questions but reassured me she was not in a critical condition. It seems that they will keep her in for further analysis and plan an appropriate treatment.

We (DH, DS and I) are flying accross the Atlantic to spend Xmas with my in-Laws on Monday.
I had a chat with my brother yesterday where he asked me if, given that i will not be around for two weeks, my friend could "take my place", ie go to see DM in hospital, talk to doctors etc etc.

I always feel intimidated by my brother so my first reaction was to say that I would ask her but now I feel this is a ridiculous request. I mean of course I can ask my friend to go and visit DM in hospital at some point (in fact she already offered) but surely asking her anymore than that would be awkward?

AIBU to think my brother is being odd here? He even said that he knew two people who did something like this in similar circumstances and it did not end well. Confused

OP posts:
EmpressJewel · 19/12/2018 07:12

Whilst I agree that the DB feels the burden of caring falling to him, if the OP lives abroad, there isn't much that can be done about that. But it is unfair that the DB is expecting the OP to find someone to visit their DM if he can't.

What I find interesting is that if the situation was reversed, you would rarely see a sister making demands of her brother (MN is full of threads where the caring has fallen to the daughter).

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/12/2018 07:14

Others have said it but this is more of a cry for help than anything untoward.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 19/12/2018 07:22

OP it is out of order to ask your friend. If you had no other relations then asking your friend would be OK. I knew/know OAPs in this country who had/have to rely on friends asking the doctors difficult questions and kept an eye out to prevent their healthcare being shit. In your case your brother just needs to cope. His children are adults so if he can't go in then one of them can or his wife can.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/12/2018 07:23

Hang on though - he's not been dealing with everything. This has only recently hsppened and OP has been to visit and help. She can't cancel her trip - I bet flights for her family cost 2k! Most of us couldn't just write that off.

He is setting out his stall and telling you that he isn't willing to take on full responsibility, but in all honesty he does live the closest and sometimes that's just the way it goes. Of course you should help but he can't expect you to do what you would do if you lived around the corner. And I say this as someone who lives 10 mins from my parents with siblings who live in other countries - I won't be expecting them to come home or send thrir friends as a proxy. That idea is batshit!
More reasonable to ask you to phone doctors or contribute towards a cleaner or home nursing help if you csn afford it.

DeepanKrispanEven · 19/12/2018 07:28

Tbh I think it’s odd that you would still go away while your very elderly mother will be in hospital over Xmas

No it isn't. It would be silly to cancel an expensive trip when she's not seriously ill.

What I don't understand is the perception that someone will need to talk to the doctors every day. Surely not? And if it is necessary, can't you or your brother phone them?

maddiemookins16mum · 19/12/2018 07:39

It’s odd. Perhaps your brother feels overly burdened by being the one who is expected to do everything for your Mum just because he lives in the same city and that this is the tip of the iceberg.

RB68 · 19/12/2018 07:53

I would go back to him and say she will visit but she is unable to visit regularly due to her own commitments.

Sometimes one or other of you can't be there - given you already live in another country other posters already are being a bit tough with you - you clearly dropped everything and dealt with things initially. If Mum is in no danger and the care is good and someone sees her most days I wouldn't worry too much. Doesn't sound like he is putting himself out much so far. When you get back from the holidays (and face you may have to come back earlier) be prepared to spend some time sorting things out for her so that she has assistance and things that need doing for the house sortedand as others have said plan on dropping over a bit more.

I live 2.5 hr min drive away from mine who need visitors most weekends for assorted reasons but at least there are 6 of us

RB68 · 19/12/2018 07:57

Drs will see her or look at her case most weekdays and on the weekend only if there is an issue that needs emergncy attention.

For a slightly longer stay what is importnt is that she has a good wash bag of what she needs, change of clothes/PJs a few things to entertain her and visitors as its so flipping boring and monotonous in there. Its perfectly doable to visit every other day if its not something too srious and they are mostly monitoring her as if she has low sats then she may pass out or fall and she lives on her own so they will try and find a cause and be giving her medication if needed and oxygen/nebuliser possibly too

RB68 · 19/12/2018 07:58

I should say if all ok and treatment going to plan she may not see a Dr - it is also possible to arrange a time to call the hospital for an update - although early eve may not be the best time (ask and they will tell you when to call

Booboostwo · 19/12/2018 08:02

The request to talk with the doctors is bizarre. There is no reason to think that your DM would want her medical infoormation shared or that the doctors would be willing to share it.

If it is a request for help then it’s more reasonable. What are hospitals like in this country? I know that in Greece, my country for example, in public hospitals relatives have to do basic nursing care due to lack of resources so the family would mobilise to offer 24/7 care for an elderly, hospitalized relative. Is he worried about something similar?

Even if nursing care is good in the hospital he may be worried about your DM going 1-2 days without visitors so asking other friends and family to help does not seem unreasonableness. I’d expect the adult DGCs to help out with this as well too though.

Xenadog · 19/12/2018 08:09

OP, your brother is a cheeky and lazy git. Tell him your friend can’t step in for your or him but that you will be in close contact with the hospital via phone calls and email. He needs to help his own mother out and rope his grown up DC intot his as well.

I would be looking at dates for when you can visit your DM after your Christmas break.

SoaringSwallow · 19/12/2018 08:10

OP I wouldn't engage. I have a brother. I don't feel intimidated by him, because he's not the kind of person who would a) behave in a way that would intimidate me or b) want me to feel that way about him.

So, tell him she'll visit when she can, but she has other commitments so not likely to be more than once and not to worry, you'll be in contact with the doctor when you can. As for your replacement, (did he actually use that word?!), tell him that you know she'll be touched by visits from her grandchildren too.

Normally the sibling living closest to a parent gets the caring burden when the parent is ill, but they've also had more direct contact with them for years beforehand too.

But, I'd caution, that elderly people can take a downward turn quite quickly, so do keep in touch with the doctor. May be worth checking when he'll not be working and see if you can phone the ward for info (maybe something put on her notes or at the nurses station saying you're abroad and will call, so they know it's you?). Not sure if that's possible, but useless having his email if he's off work for two weeks!

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 19/12/2018 08:17

What??

That’s utterly ridiculous! Of course he can’t expect your friend to act as your replacement, and of course* you shouldn’t, and mustn’t, ask this of her!

PinaColada1 · 19/12/2018 08:18

He doesn’t do the majority care though does he. He does even less than the OP and she lives far away.

OP if you can get on a train etc and come over, then your lazy brother can work around his work and actually do something a bit more than the odd visit for his mother!

He is being lazy and selfish. Don’t enable him. Or cover for him anymore. You’ve done your bit. Expect him to do his, or he won’t. Don’t ask your friend.

GruciusMalfoy · 19/12/2018 08:26

It would be unreasonable to expect your friend to take on this responsibility, she certainly shouldn't be expected to talk to the doctor. If you can email the doctors, surely your brother can, too. And if he has adult children there is absolutely no need for a family friend to take on any responsibility for your mother.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/12/2018 08:40

It is perfectly fine to ask that your DF visits your DM over the Christmas period. It sounds like she plans to do that anyway. It is not fine for her to be talking to the doctors. It is unlikely they would talk to her about your DMs confidential medical info anyway.

It is also perfectly fine or you to continue with your plans and go away for Christmas. Your DM is not seriously ill and is being cared for.

Is it likely they will discharge her fairly soon? Would she go and stay with your DB if she is?

Slightlycoddled · 19/12/2018 08:52

I agree with the pp that the usual scenario here would be that your db's wife and adult DC would take up the slack when your db couldn't visit.

Very strange to ask a third party to do this; except if she offered to visit occasionally because she wanted to.

How involved with your dm has your db been been up to this point? How often did he visit her prior to her hospital stay? Is there a particular aspect of her care (incontinence issues or similar) that he feels uncomfortable talking to the doctors about?

I'd ask him specifically what is worrying him the most about you being away?

Speaking as an expat who has experienced the ill health and death of two sets of parents in two different countries, I know how stressful this situation is, so really sympathise Flowers

CurbsideProphet · 19/12/2018 09:02

If your DB has adult children why can't they be asked to visit their grandma? My very elderly grandad has had various ailments over the past few years. When my parents are away we take him to medical appointments and have previously taken him to A+E after a fall. I wouldn't expect that the hospital would speak to a friend of the patient's daughter.

LovesLaboursLost · 19/12/2018 09:05

Does your mum have dementia or something? If not, surely she’ll be talking to the doctors herself and can pass on anything that she wants passing on to your brother, your friend or by calling you. I think it is indeed very odd of your brother to ask this.

DishingOutDone · 19/12/2018 10:58

Complete and utter madness, what an entitled arse. Don't enable him and don't make your poor friend do this - FFS don't they have telephones in the country in question?!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 19/12/2018 11:03

Sounds like he expects you to do your share whatever. Ridiculous attitude.

Bit like my kids when they're scared they've done more chores than their siblings.

He needs to grow up.

Don't ask your friend, it isn't her responsibility and would put her in a crappy situation if she couldn't commit.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 13:03

Thanks you everyone very much - it really helps to hear different POVs.

I've just flown back and should catch up with work, but I will come back later to reply to the comments.

Thanks for the flowers @Slightlycoddled - it is definitely not easy. Sorry to hear you went through the same.

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 19/12/2018 18:38

Thank you op. I hope your mother stays well and you manage to have a good trip. I hope you can come to a fair and satisfactory arrangement with your db too.

Original poster
IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 22:57

@LovesLaboursLost - no, she does not have dementia, but is getting increasingly confused and forgetful. This gets worse when she is stressed. I've seen it these days - she would not remember eg, what the nurse said etc. The doctors have realised this and therefore prefer to give the information to a relative (as well)

OP posts:
Original poster
IamAporcupine · 19/12/2018 23:07

@Slightlycoddled
I agree with the pp that the usual scenario here would be that your db's wife and adult DC would take up the slack when your db couldn't visit.

I agree. My nephews have been to visit her a couple of times, and one of them talked to the doctors too. My SIL has only been with my brother, but I will prefer not to go there...

Is there a particular aspect of her care (incontinence issues or similar) that he feels uncomfortable talking to the doctors about?

None at all. DM, apart from this situation of course, is in very good health and does not have any other ailments

How involved with your dm has your db been been up to this point? How often did he visit her prior to her hospital stay?

Well, I started a thread about this a while ago, I should try to find it.
The relationship between them (and also between DM and me) has always been rocky. I do nto think he likes her very much, so in normal circumstances he would see her maybe once every two weeks? She was feeling quite poorly recently, so maybe a bit more then.

OP posts: