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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at this comment about poverty?

552 replies

abacucat · 18/12/2018 23:52

I have been thinking for a few days about a comment a MNer made on a thread about poverty. She said that she has nearly been in tears because a woman at the toddler group she went to had a hole in her shoe and thus had wet feet.
I have a hole in my shoe. I got a wet foot today. I don't think this is a big deal or worthy of "nearly being in tears". Surely it is pretty normal to have to wait a bit to be able to afford to replace things like shoes?
I just do't see it as a big deal at all, and I think this comment was OTT.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
abacucat · 19/12/2018 12:56

I am the OP. I think there is a lot of shame in poverty. You are naive if you don't think most people don't look down on you if you are poor.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 19/12/2018 12:56

It's the government that should be ashamed that people live in poverty

ewemum · 19/12/2018 13:00

I have a hole in my shoe and a rip in my coat. Just don't have time to get new ones as am either working or with kids and thought of shopping with 3 young kids!

feelingverylazytoday · 19/12/2018 13:05

Not being able to afford adequate clothing is a sign of poverty, IMO. People shouldn't have to be cold or wet in one of the richest countries in the world. A pair of flip flops usually is enough in the summer, people should be able to afford warm reasonably waterproof shoes or boots in the winter, in fact they should have more than one pair.

MorrisZapp · 19/12/2018 13:05

Yes there's two kinds of shabbiness. People like my dad who has his oven door tied on with string and wears the same clothes for decades despite being perfectly able to afford replacements, and those who have broken or ancient stuff because they can't afford new.

It's hard to know which category the wet feet woman was in, without knowing more.

Kismetjayn · 19/12/2018 13:07

I'm now poor, skirting relative poverty and have been in poverty in recent years. I'm embarrassed but not ashamed and I don't want it denied because I know it is wrong to have to worry about affording the basics of life.

There is an embarrassing, uncomfortable feeling to be patronised & condescended to but saying 'im alright' doesn't help either.

MorrisZapp · 19/12/2018 13:08

Also my stepmum wears appalling, battered flip flops which even my dad objects to, because she's just a bit odd. Also, she refuses to wear a warm coat, and goes out in all weathers in a thin jacket or fleece. She has plenty of resources, she just has very particular tastes! And is slightly weird.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 19/12/2018 13:16

I don’t think it’s normal to walk around with holes in your shoes?!
Iv never had holes in my shoes and if I did I would bin them and buy a new pair but I have 50 pairs of shoes upstairs in my bedroom ranging from winter boots, flats, converse, heels. Some are little flats I wear to work that Iv bought in a new look sale for £5 and others are over a £100 on uggs.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 13:18

Op, as said I grew up poor. I know what it's like to not be able to afford shoes. I still recall the feeling of humiliation of walking home from school in my early teens, as the sole fell of my shoe, totally full off, and a kind man stopping and walking me home in the rain.

But I stand by there is no shame in poverty, arseholes looking down on people for it doesn't mean there is shame in it. It simply means they are arseholes.

I think as long as it is good people who don't deliberately chose it..ie living off benefits when you could work, squandering money on booze or fags or drugs, then ther is no shame in it at all.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 13:22

I 100% agree, Birdsgottafly.

doctorbarbie · 19/12/2018 13:43

Yuck at the pp bragging about how many pairs of shoes they have.

I have wet feet because I usually buy cheap shoes from h&m etc in the sales and cheap shoes don't tend to be waterproof. I wear cheap shoes so that my DD doesn't have to.

PookieDo · 19/12/2018 13:47

There is no shame in it, it shouldn’t be denied or minimised. The original post was about someone being compassionate to another persons possible circumstances and even that has been ripped apart. I would really wonder about whether a woman was being financially abused first and foremost. There seems to be a lot of women living in that particular shame and secrecy. If this thread could show them that no, it’s not ordinary to live like that then it could be a good thing

OutPinked · 19/12/2018 14:02

I once bought cheap school shoes from Asda between pay days when the DC’s expensive kickers broke after two months Hmm. The asda ones were absolutely brilliant, so good I didn’t bother buying any more kickers!

Anyway, beside the point. I have plantar fasciitis and the only shoes that currently don’t kill when I walk are my worn out running shoes which do have a small hole at the toe. I really don’t care, I just don’t want my feet to hurt. I’m not impoverished either, I just have no reason to buy (and wear in) new running shoes.

A hole in a pair of shoes doesn’t induce tears. The thought of a child being neglected or abused does.

Handsoffmysweets · 19/12/2018 14:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

toomuchtooold · 19/12/2018 14:05

Pookie I agree people shouldn't have to feel ashamed about poverty but nobody wants to feel like a victim, do they? I think that calling it poverty can feel like ceding control. On the other hand, whatever it's called, the fact that there are people in our country who are working or looking after kids and they're not profligate with their money who have to save up for dry shoes is a bloody outrage, and we do need words to talk about it.

Original poster
abacucat · 19/12/2018 14:08

I am the OP I certainly am not a victim.
Yes everyone should have enough money to live a decent life, but that is not how most people live. Most people have to cut back in areas.
I think what MN see as a certain degree of poverty is normal. Yes its fine to campaign against this. It is the idea that this is unusual that annoys me.

OP posts:
Flowerfae · 19/12/2018 14:11

I need a new pair of shoes, one pair of ankle boots split at the bottom (not impressed, only got them about 4 months ago) and my other pair have a hole in the bottom. I'll have to wait until new year though as they are pretty far down on the list of things I have had to spend money on. We have had a couple of hard months finanically (car problems) I wouldn't consider myself poor though.

3WildOnes · 19/12/2018 14:17

I would definitely consider myself poor if I couldn’t immediately afford to buy new shoes for myself or my children.
I agree with a previous poster that I would consider myself poor if I couldn’t replace a broken washing machine.
I am aware that lots of people live in poverty but that doesn’t make it right.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2018 14:25

Op, to a certain extent not being able to afford a pair of shoes is unusual. It may not be uncommon, lots of people sadly live in poverty but saying it is most people is not true. Not by a long way. Being annoyed about it doesn't change it. I for example even as a child knew my situation was not the norm. All the kids were not running around In knackered holey shoes, but I also knew I wasn't alone. But it wasn't most. And I grew up in a council estate where there was poverty, so am able to judge it.

MyBreadIsEggy · 19/12/2018 14:26

This thread has proven that there’s a stark difference in what one person considers poverty and someone else considers normal Confused
As for the shoes thing: we are a single income household, 2 kids under 4. I have one pair of shoes that are suitable for everyday wear and keep my feet dry. They are getting a bit worn, and I probably should have replaced them a while ago. I didn’t, because DD needed new shoes and had grown out of her winter coat from last year, and DS needed his first ever pair of winter shoes. I will have to wait until January to replace my shoes.
I don’t consider that poverty. I consider it prioritising the budget.
There is always food in the fridge, and we can put our heating on when we need it. We just can’t go spending money on clothes and shoes willy nilly - we have to budget for that.

3WildOnes · 19/12/2018 14:45

If you’re having to budget and prioritise to buy shoes then what would you do if your car or boiler broke down leaving you with a bill of hundreds? Not being able to pay unexpected bills is to me poverty.

MyBreadIsEggy · 19/12/2018 14:50

3WildOnes we did have that problem a while ago.
Our car broke down pretty spectacularly, but luckily my dad was on hand to save the day and we are slowly paying him back.
Since then, I’ve managed to qualify for a credit card with a small credit limit, but that is for emergencies only like car break downs etc
We manage perfectly well, we just have a budget which we stick to in order to make sure we manage.

Innermess · 19/12/2018 14:55

We used to get our children's shoes from charity shops. They were usually tough and sturdy. At the time, they cost about £1.00 - £5.00. I still get clothes from charity shops.

MrsStrowman · 19/12/2018 14:57

It is not normal for a child to have to get wet feet because there is no money for shoes. You can get children's shoes very cheaply, and for those saying christmas is expensive, my priority would be shoes before presents

Lizzie48 · 19/12/2018 15:08

If you read what the OP said, it was the mum who had a hole in her shoe not the child. That isn't necessarily down to poverty, it's happened to me before, as I've replaced my DDs' shoes and neglected my own.