to ask if you live near your parents?

[Denira]

I live 190 miles from my parents. I have a 7 week old DS and am struggling with the fact that my mum and Dad are missing out on so much. It makes me really sad that they only see him once every few weeks. I miss them so much and envy people who have their mum round the corner.

I work in a specific field in law enforcement and have a DSD who lives down the road from us, so no chance of moving closer to my parents.

Does anyone else find them self in a similar situation? Can anyone reassure me that this is common and that it'll all be fine?

Feeling deeply sad about it...

As for living on a rock in the atlantic 'story'...

Not a story, not cute. The reality for my family, half my cousins now live in England, a long drive and boat journey away. Extreme I grant you but e.g. BIL (who grew up in a large city) has a job that in the UK only exists in London. None of DHs siblings live close to his Mum, but his parents also moved countries, they were born in different continents, met in a third and have lived in the others.

You travel for Uni, meet someone, fall in love, travel a bit more for work, build a life, get married, have kids, don't want to uproot them. It's pretty normal.

scots why should it stop your career prospects. You did not exactly stay put.

Mine live about 10 minutes drive away but I sometimes with it was a bit further as there was lots and lots and lots of “popping in” when DC was tiny which became a bit overwhelming.
Could not disagree more with the posters who claim who must not be close to your family if you move away- I have lived close and far and all have their up and downsides but each to their own.

Exactly that. Is one only allowed to shack up with someone from the same town? I imagine the gene pool would suffer...
(I live long-haul). We chose to move back for a couple of years when dc3 was born but the NHS broke her. 🤷‍♀️

My hometown is 300 miles away from
where I live now. 5 years ago my parents retired and moved to live 1 mile from me. It's awesome, they get to be involved with my DC and are an enormous help with childcare and practical support, and it was key in me ending my marriage and going it alone with the children. I also get to support them as they're getting older and frailer. My DB and his family live abroad and DP moved away from where they were brought up and didn't have their own DP around when they were bringing up me
and DB so it was really important to them to have the day to day contact. I feel very very lucky to have them. They had to really downsize because they went from the northeast to London, but they've embraced the change.

My parents both died when I was pregnant with my ds. It was very hard at the time and has been since - but I have a great husband.
work wise I work from home as I have to, as we have limited childcare options as dh is away a lot - it’s not ideal I but had to.

I live around the corner from my parents & inlaws... my parents moved back from Essex 13 years ago & bought my husband's grandparents house( next door to the inlaws). We all could not be happier, my children are so lucky to have so family so close by & as our parents are getting older it is great to be so close. I would not change a thing!!

Don't talk to me about 'insults' @blueshoes when you started parping on about how people must have a 'limited life experience' if they live near parents and work not far from where they were born and grew up.

I am sick of this shitty attitude from people like you, that people who move away for work, and live 100's or 1000's of miles away, are much more adventurous, and lead much more exciting lives, and obviously have AMAZING careers. Way better than someone who lives (and works) half hour from where they grew up...... As they never moved away, they obviously have limited and stunted lives and careers.

It's a load of shit. I know some people who have lived abroad and worked abroad for 10 years or more, and come back to a private rented flat, and a fiver in the bank, whilst their peers who stayed in the same town are on £75K and 10 years into their mortgage, and have travelled to a dozen countries in that time.

As I said, it's utter bollocks that you have to travel 100's or 1000's of miles in order to forge a successful career. Most people don't need to. If you want to move 1000's of miles away from your family, then by all means do.

But don't try and justify it to yourself (and others,) by making out you NEEDED to move far away, for 'work' and for your 'career.' Whilst bleating that anyone who stays in their home town is somehow backward and stunted, (whilst you are a globetrotting sensation who is waaaaay superior to them!)

And as I said, I have yet to meet anyone who is thrilled that their adult children moved 100's or 1000's of miles away from them! IMO, you would only do that (move away permanently,) if you didn't get on, and/or had a toxic relationship. There is really no other need to move far away permanently. Why on earth WOULD you? I really don't see why anyone would if they loved their family and friends.

Me and DH have our family (parents, and adult children, and extended family) ALL within an hour's drive. Would not have it any other way.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99

That's your choice and your family's choice and absolutely no one is criticising you.

I currently live about 600 miles from my mum. She moved away from my childhood home after I left for university. She did that through her own choice and I completely respected her for it. We didn't have a toxic relationships then (20 yrs ago) or now. We see each other regularly have get on incredibly well - this week she's visiting and sole charge carer for my children.

We all make choices. They'll be different and for extraordinarily different reasons (necessity, preference, whatever).

I now live 5 minutes from my parents. I moved 50 miles away before I had DS1 then moved back nearer after I had DS2. I had a feeling me and my ex were going to split one day and knew I would need support.

I still live in the area I grew up in, but both my parents (they were separated) moved away when they retired. My mum went back to where she grew up 400 miles away and my dad moved 250 miles to near where his brothers live.

They'd both moved down here for work, but never really settled. Plus cost of living meant they could afford a better retirement moving to the areas they chose. My dad moved before my DC were born, my mum moved when DS2 was a baby (he's now 11). Growing up, we lived similar distances from their parents, so it's quite normal for me IYKWIM.

DH's family is very different, all live close by. They were horrified at my mum's decision to move. My DC have a close relationship with my in-laws. My mum made a lot of effort with the DC, though our relationship always needed careful management. She died in the summer and it was really only my DS2 who was upset. ( I have 4, the younger 2 are only 5 and 4). My dad hasn't ever really been that interested. it was strange, as I was always closer to my dad growing up, but I suppose he feels retirement is his time to enjoy himself, and he has little patience with children.

My brother lived in Europe for a few years and he did very, very well for himself, far better than had he stayed in the UK. He moved back to the UK a couple of years ago and lives about 100 miles from me now. He probably saw more of our parents than I did when he lived abroad as he travelled a lot.

I live 10 minutes from the inlaws and approx 10 hours from my parents. I went travelling, fell in love and made the decision to stay where we would have a better quality of life. Either way, someone’s parents were going to be upset. I Skype with my parents weekly and visited twice this year and will twice next year as well. I get on well with my in-laws.

It’s not always simple and I certainly don’t judge anyone who does either.

Nope, parents on both sides are divorced and so we have 4 'sets' of which the closest are 2 hours away and the furthest a 5 hour flight.

I think of it as they had their time with their children and visiting DD is even more special when they do come. I also quite like it, nowhere near as suffocating. The only time it's hard is that there's no relief for us with 5 month old DD whatsoever, struggling to even do my KIT days at work as it means DH has to take annual leave, which we'd rather save to have off together.

..and for what it's worth, I love my mother and MIL very much but there's absolutely no way I could live close to them. I like them at their distance and across a text message.

I live 5000 miles away from my mum, but lived in Europe when my children were born. She stayed with us for 3 weeks when they were born and they have a good relationship with her. We use wechat to keep in touch which means free video calls and she keeps up with all their activities.
My son now lives in the UK and I am in China - contrary to the comments above we don't have a toxic relationship!
In my circle of friends (not all expats) it's normal not to live close to family. It can be tough when children are very young, but you will be fine.

What ridiculous thinking @redandyellow , you obviously do not understand the job market.

I would hate to stay in the same town I grew up in for my entire life. I went to Uni with a girl whose both sides of her (large family) all still live in a 15 mile radius, she said it was suffocating growing up.

I came to UK from NZ for an overseas experience, met my British DH and have been here 15 years and my mum is still in NZ (dad is dead, only child). I do not have a toxic relationship with my mother, however I set up a life here with DH and he has his whole family (parents, siblings etc) here in England so was reluctant to leave but my mum comes for long visits.

I am not saying its been easy, I miss my mum heaps (and my friends / extended family) especially since I had kids but I love my DH dearly, I have made a life here and yes, built up a great career that I otherwise would not have had, we all have to make sacrifices.

As it happens we are moving to Australia to be closer to my family / friends because no jobs in NZ for my career, (if there are they would be at the other end of the country to where I am from). But it is only for 3 years, because of DH family. I totally accept my choices I have made, and my mum totally supports I need to live my own life.

My mother and step-father live in a flat above our garages. Have for 21 years. Before that they lived in Australia but begrudingly came over to help out when I was pregnant with my second set of twins and had to be on bed rest for three months in New York but didn't want to disrupt the older kids lives and they ended up liking the access to the rest of the world so much that they never moved back. My sister and aunt and their families moved here a couple of years later so now almost my entire immediate family is over here and close by from Australia.

Currently live in MLE around 20 mins away from my parents. It's been lovely, I absolutely love being able to see them lots with DCs. We are moving back to the UK at Easter time and I know it's going to be hard to not see them as much as we are close. DH has been working away for 3 months so I have relied on them recently for company and support. When we move back we won't have a support network as such, MIL will be 2 hours away and mine and DH's sisters live in London.

I live in their house while we await completion on our new house so quite close we've bought 1.2 miles up the road though so will still be close. I've always lived within half an hour except for a brief year's secondment with a job an hour away. Even then I came home every week. I can't imagine my children growing up without seeing them at least once or twice a week. I still visit my grandparents at least once a week.

All of my family have always lived in the same county (we're a Welsh valleys family so not unusual) though we've all moved away with work for up to about 2 or 3 years. We've always still seen each other/Skyped several times a week/month.

I do think you're being a bit harsh though @redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 Unless everyone was only in relationships in a nearby area, one half of the partnership is probably always going to have parents slightly further away. Also there are very remote places in the UK with no jobs so it really isn't always possible to stay completely within the area you grew up.

My husband's from South East England and all of his family live there. He moved up here for a brief spell with work where we met. Consequently he stayed here with me but all of his family are 200 miles away. We do try to see them every 6-8 weeks but due to having small children and some ill health it's not always possible. I'm surprised they don't make more of an effort to visit though, as they're both recently retired.

I live on a different continent to my parents. I wouldn't worry about it. It's a little harder for me (no free childcare!) and I'm sure my parents would like to see the kids more but it is what it is. The kids themselves don't suffer as never known anything else. They enjoy time with their grandparents when they see them and they have gathered their own grandparent-like figures in our new country

Also FWIW I find that it means that when we do see both sets of grandparents, we all have a lovely time. We have none of the issues that I see on Mumsnet at all - no boundary problems with PIL or parents, no controlling behaviour, no problems with different ideas of upbringing (you know, the sort of things you see on AIBU threads all the time). I love it like this! Wouldn't change it even if I could.

4 miles from my mum. 1 mile from MIL. I’d be lost without their practical support since having kids, I’m very grateful to them.

My parents are half an hour away in the next city. It's ideal. Not to close but always nearby if needed.

My mum lives in the same city, my dad lives in a nearby town, but we only see him birthdays and Christmas.

I live in wales and my mum lives in London. Only see each other a few times a year but speak on the phone weekly.

She’s visiting today for the day and I can’t wait for her to get here! Not seen her since May.