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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma.

64 replies

Dad2003 · 18/12/2018 20:23

Dear All,

As mentioned above I have a dilemma but should explain as it's not that simple.

In Feb 2017 I left my family home because after 15 years of never sharing a bed and as many years of me providing all the finances (as I was the only party earning). As well as other general disagreements about pretty much everything.

The divorce was finalised in September 2018, but in February my ex and two children (15 (DS) and 13 (DD) moved into a new home paid for with the proceeds of the sale of the family home. I was more generous with the settlement than I needed to be and she has a mortgage free 4 bed semi.

In the meantime I unsuccessfully attempted to live with my alcoholic mother and then rented a two bed flat in the hope my children would come and stay. Needless to say, they were put off staying with my mother just as I was!
However, for whatever reason my children wouldn't stay at the flat. My DD didn't like the smell there!!
I bought a house - moving in at the beginning of October and they have stayed once. They both have their own rooms, brand new beds, mattresses, duvets, pillows and bedding of their choice.

At the end of March this year I started dating someone (I'm heterosexual if it's important). However, she doesn't have a car and lives in a block of flats 45 minutes away. So viable meetings were only possible every other weekend. This meant I couldn't see my children every weekend which they had been used to since my leaving of the family home. It should be noted that it wouldn't have been a problem for us for the four of us to spend every weekend together, but unfortunately they haven't wanted to meet my girlf and despite never meeting her my DD said she hates her!

Understandably my girlf isn't happy about the fact that my children don't want to know her and it's an issue. At the weekend I found out from my DD that it's because I'm not spending every weekend with them.

Following a heated row back in the summer with my ex which my children witnessed, I decided to make plans to spend Christmas day with my girlf as I couldn't spend the day with my ex and her parents.

My girlf (who doesn't have children and can't have them after losing a baby) has been in two previous marriages where she didn't feel part of the family or that her feelings or thoughts were considered and probably gave more than she received, something no one wants to feel...

I planned to celebrate Christmas this year with my DC on Christmas eve or boxing day but neither of them want to come. I suggested to my girlf that I popped over for a couple of hours on Christmas day but this has proved to be an issue and something I have to make a decision over.
So spend a couple of hours with my children and lose my new love or not see my children on Christmas day. I'll be able to see them on Christmas eve for a couple of hours.

I am aware that I have done what I can for my DC for fear of losing them. I'm definitely seen as the baddie in all this. My ex would never have gone because she was so comfortable so I had to go. Not an easy thing to tell my children!

I quite understand that I said I'd spend Christmas day with her, but that was based on celebrating a special day with my children either before or after, but having to choose seems a bit unreasonable and it's playing on my mind.

If you're still reading, am I being unreasonable or is she?

Regards,

A loving dad.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 18/12/2018 20:26

Your children must come first

Your gf needs to see you are a parent first and you must prioritise them at the moment.

In the future, when the divorce isn’t so raw, the kids might round to your gf.

But for now, all they see is you left them, got with another woman and now don’t have time for them

ClandestineAdulation · 18/12/2018 20:28

Your kids are the priority here. The relationship you have is relatively new and it’s not surprising that your children are harbouring sour feelings towards your new girlfriend; they probably feel like they’re not your top priority.

Starlight456 · 18/12/2018 20:36

Gosh kids first .

Your children will always remember you prioritising the gf which may actually not even last.

Your children will be off doing there own thing in a few years .

Frazzledmum123 · 18/12/2018 20:37

I agree with above. To be fair you sound like a caring dad but choosing a gf over seeing your kids at the weekend was wrong, even if it meant losing the relationship imo. Yes you have made a lot of attempts to have them and it may seem unfair to you but the kids should akways come first no matter how hard they make it for you

Gazelda · 18/12/2018 20:40

Your GF is asking you to choose between seeing your D.C. for a few hours, or spending the day with her. Difficult choice?

And I don't understand why you can't see your DC at weekends? Surely a 45 min drive to your GF's after work is feasible, rather than sacking off the children?

Neverender · 18/12/2018 20:40

Prioritise your children...please

Cheby · 18/12/2018 20:41

Your girlfriend is being a dick about Christmas Day. I’d be reevaluating my relationship tbh, I’d be very wary of someone who is trying to stop you from seeing your kids on Christmas Day.

Cheerbear23 · 18/12/2018 20:42

I think you need to send a message to your kids that they come first.

19lottie82 · 18/12/2018 20:42

Your GF needs to realise your kids come first. She’s really threatening to end it if you go see your kids at Christmas? And you’re ok with that?

MorelloKisses · 18/12/2018 20:48

It’s unreasonable to drop seeing your children each weekend due to new GF (no matter what the logistics, but 45 mins is nothing!). If she also won’t compromise on Christmas that’s salt in the wound

CrookedMe · 18/12/2018 20:49

If your girlfriend is pressuring you to choose between her or your children, she's not as good a person as you think she is.

My jaw dropped a bit when you said you stopped seeing your kids every weekend because of her. Put yourself in their shoes, it's really not hard to work out what your priority should be here.

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 20:50

As the child from a broken home, please choose your kids. Any partner worth their weight should understand this.

Please see your kids as much as you can. I don't have a relationship at all with my dad because he chose his new partner.

He missed walking me down the aisle. He misses every birthday and Christmas. Now I don't have a dad and he doesn't have a daughter.

You owe your kids as much time as you can give them. Don't be selfish. You might feel like you have reasons to put yourself or your girlfriend first, but is it worth risking harming the relationship with your kids?

None of this is their fault.

M00nUnit · 18/12/2018 20:53

I'm surprised you say you "couldn't" see your children every weekend. You could have done, but you chose not to because you prioritised your new girlfriend. That must have been very hurtful for them.

ShawshanksRedemption · 18/12/2018 20:54

Your GF is being unreasonable in that she should know your children are important to you and they need to be a priority in your life to feel secure. Your leaving them has rocked their world somewhat, yes you've ensured your ex and therefore the children have a good home, but what of the emotional impact? You need to address that, be patient and guide them through it, making it very clear that you left because you were unhappy with the marriage but that you love them and want to spend time with them.

By changing your weekends with them already, it is sending them a message that their time is less valuable. And yes, they will resent you and your GF in particular for that. Communicate with your kids - spend time with them to repair the relationship.

FWIW my husband had a parent walk out of the family home, and he still has abandonment issues even now as an adult, as he didn't feel his feelings mattered at all.

Dollymixture22 · 18/12/2018 20:56

Your girlfriend is projecting past hurts into you. It’s not fair. If she can’t accept that you need to see your children on Christmas Day then she’s not he lady for you.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 18/12/2018 20:57

However, she doesn't have a car and lives in a block of flats 45 minutes away. So viable meetings were only possible every other weekend. This meant I couldn't see my children every weekend which they had been used to since my leaving of the family home.

So your new girlfriend came before your own DC in terms of quality time together? No wonder they don't want to ever meet her - you're using her to reduce the amount of time you give them.

This is genuinely one of the most ridiculous AIBU's I've ever read. You are the reason your children are hurt, upset and angry. You and your shitty choices and selfish "my girlfriend needs me" bullshit. You deserve their vitriol.

AuntMarch · 18/12/2018 20:57

My partner lives 40 minutes away. I'm going over there for a couple of hours and we are both seeing our own families most of the day. I only told him at the weekend that's all we would see of each other. What's her problem?

Anyway. You've been with her less than a year. How is she suddenly more important than your children?

How old are your children? Look at it from their point of view- they used to see you every weekend. Then suddenly she has "taken" you away for half of those weekends, unless they are willing to share their time with you.

Then she is (I assume from your post) threatening to leave you if you change plans at Christmas to see your children? Is that the attitude of a woman you'd want in their lives? That you want them to see as the person you replaced their mother with?

Christmas is just a day. Why can't she celebrate it with you on Christmas Eve or boxing day? She should be more able to see past the calendar date to the true meaning of Christmas more easily than your children.

I don't understand how the settlement or who earned what during your marriage has to do with any of this. Finances are of no concern to children and nor should they be. All you need to do is look at it the way they will be seeing it.

Sarahjconnor · 18/12/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Therealjudgejudy · 18/12/2018 20:59

No, you are not a loving dad if you choose to put your new girlfriend before your kids.

Grow up and put your kids first

mama17 · 18/12/2018 21:02

Choose ur children always! No wonder they are feeling the way they are, they will be feeling rejected. Ur new gf also sounds disgusting to put u in that position in the first place.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 18/12/2018 21:03

All of the "I was very generous and reasonable" and "I'm a loving dad" nonsense is vastly outweighed by the fact that your new girlfriend is taking precedent over your own DC.

The extra information is simply there to try and make everyone agree that you're a great Dad and feel sorry for you. Unfortunately most normal folk realise that children are not things you can simply drop because your new girlfriend stamps her feet, so you're never going to be anything but hugely unreasonable.

hibbledibble · 18/12/2018 21:04

A partner asking you to prioritise them over your children is a big no.

Your children deserve to be put first.

Ellie56 · 18/12/2018 21:04

Seriously you need to put your kids first and see them on Christmas Day, and reinstate seeing them every weekend.

Sugarformyhoney · 18/12/2018 21:05

You deserve love and happiness. Your new gf is not this.

Pachyderm1 · 18/12/2018 21:06

Your kids come first and if your girlfriend isn’t willing to give you and them time and space to learn how to navigate their new reality, she isn’t someone you can realistically have a life with.

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