Christmas dilemma.

[Dad2003]

Dear All,

As mentioned above I have a dilemma but should explain as it's not that simple.

In Feb 2017 I left my family home because after 15 years of never sharing a bed and as many years of me providing all the finances (as I was the only party earning). As well as other general disagreements about pretty much everything.

The divorce was finalised in September 2018, but in February my ex and two children (15 (DS) and 13 (DD) moved into a new home paid for with the proceeds of the sale of the family home. I was more generous with the settlement than I needed to be and she has a mortgage free 4 bed semi.

In the meantime I unsuccessfully attempted to live with my alcoholic mother and then rented a two bed flat in the hope my children would come and stay. Needless to say, they were put off staying with my mother just as I was!
However, for whatever reason my children wouldn't stay at the flat. My DD didn't like the smell there!!
I bought a house - moving in at the beginning of October and they have stayed once. They both have their own rooms, brand new beds, mattresses, duvets, pillows and bedding of their choice.

At the end of March this year I started dating someone (I'm heterosexual if it's important). However, she doesn't have a car and lives in a block of flats 45 minutes away. So viable meetings were only possible every other weekend. This meant I couldn't see my children every weekend which they had been used to since my leaving of the family home. It should be noted that it wouldn't have been a problem for us for the four of us to spend every weekend together, but unfortunately they haven't wanted to meet my girlf and despite never meeting her my DD said she hates her!

Understandably my girlf isn't happy about the fact that my children don't want to know her and it's an issue. At the weekend I found out from my DD that it's because I'm not spending every weekend with them.

Following a heated row back in the summer with my ex which my children witnessed, I decided to make plans to spend Christmas day with my girlf as I couldn't spend the day with my ex and her parents.

My girlf (who doesn't have children and can't have them after losing a baby) has been in two previous marriages where she didn't feel part of the family or that her feelings or thoughts were considered and probably gave more than she received, something no one wants to feel...

I planned to celebrate Christmas this year with my DC on Christmas eve or boxing day but neither of them want to come. I suggested to my girlf that I popped over for a couple of hours on Christmas day but this has proved to be an issue and something I have to make a decision over.
So spend a couple of hours with my children and lose my new love or not see my children on Christmas day. I'll be able to see them on Christmas eve for a couple of hours.

I am aware that I have done what I can for my DC for fear of losing them. I'm definitely seen as the baddie in all this. My ex would never have gone because she was so comfortable so I had to go. Not an easy thing to tell my children!

I quite understand that I said I'd spend Christmas day with her, but that was based on celebrating a special day with my children either before or after, but having to choose seems a bit unreasonable and it's playing on my mind.

If you're still reading, am I being unreasonable or is she?

Regards,

A loving dad.

If you were a loving dad this question wouldn’t arise.
Children come first.

This isn't a dilemma. Your kids aren't optional.

Oh dear.
Look at it from the kids point of view. Your love is supposed to be unconditional. The fact that they hate your girlfriend and haven't met het her, tells you that it's your situation they are unhappy with, not her.
You need to see them Christmas Day.
Teenage Christmas's are a bit shit anyway aren't they. They need you more than your " love" does.

You’re not a loving dad. You’ve put some random woman before your own flesh and blood!
Grow up!

I don’t blame your girlfriend at all in this. I blame you.

You seem very hung up on how generous you think you were with the settlement (note this is your opinion, most decent adults would want the primary home of their children to be a good one). It’s really not relevant to the problem that your ex wife has a nice home now.

From the viewpoint of the kids. You met someone almost immediately after the sale of the family home. You want them to play happy families with this person less than a year after the break up of their happy family. You have repeatedly chosen your girlfriend over them.

From the viewpoint of your girlfriend. You bounced out of a marriage and into a relationship with her. You won’t see her on weekday evenings because 45 minutes drive is too far (many people commute further). You see her alternate weekends. You commit to Christmas, then change your mind last minute (no doubt after she has turned down other offers). You aren’t seeming like much of a catch.

🤔

OP this is not the place for you to get sane un bias advice. You’re a lamb to the slaughter 😂❤️

To me you sound like a pretty decent day (EOW is less than a lot do) and it sounds like you’ve gone over and above to accommodate them in their home with your Ex and the new home you currently have.

13 and 15 (whilst still young) is not ‘so young’ they can’t understand why you have separated and you do deserve to carry on with your life. They can’t sinoly dig their heels in (as it sounds like they are doing) and say NO!

If you have EOW protected as alone time with them (possibly a few week nights thrown in) and the door open for them to spend the other weekends with you/GF I think you’re absoloutley fine!

🤔 there seems to be this idea of MN that if a man leaves (even for a decent reason) he must spend the rest of his life trying to beg the forgiveness of his children! Whilst women who leave their partners are championed on!

In terms of Christmas - I will say this - you should prioritise your kids - but it would be unfair to your new gf to spend it with your ex/kids!
I would suggest (as you have) spending Christmas Eve or Boxing Day just you and the kids!

If GF kicks off about this I would then worry about her approach and maybe consider breaking up as I think that would make her unreasonable! (You shouldn’t spend Christmas with your ex but your kids are a different matter)

Never choose a woman/man over your children. Never. The reason your DD 'hates' your GF is because you've done just that. You have chosen the gf over her.

I made a conscious decision in my younger days never to date a man with children because I knew I wouldn't want a man who would need divide his attention between me and his kids. Sounds as if your gf should make the same decision for herself. I think you need to break it off with her and tell her she needs to find a man with no children.

The fact that you perceive this as a "dilemma" shows that you see your kids as optional.

"Your new love" is immaterial. Partners come and go OP, but you have children for life. So parent them.

FFS.

Anyone - male or female - who kicks off because you want to see your children on Xmas day is a dick.

Would you kick up a fuss if your gf wanted to spend a couple of hours with her children on xmas day (I know she hasn't got any, imagine it)?

Children first. Always.
Parental divorce and family separation are enormous sources of stress and trauma for children. Please make sure that they know you're still there and they're still important. Even when they behave dreadfully and refuse to come to your house or are rude about your new girlfriend.

Your girlfriend needs to understand and accept that your children are your priority. You need to make sure you see your children as often as possible. See your girlfriend on a week night. Have your kids til Sunday afternoons then dash over for Sunday evening, whatever works for you. But don't ditch your kids at Christmas.
If she can't cope with you seeing them at Christmas, she's never going to be on board with them being the priority.

(You shouldn’t spend Christmas with your ex but your kids are a different matter)

This is tripe. DH and I spend Christmas with DS13's Dad and his new DW. They come to us along with his DW's son, Ex MIL and FIL, current MIL, my Parents and whoever else comes along, and whilst it might not be everyone's cup of tea my DC have their whole family together, laughing and getting along at Christmas. It's entirely possible to put your DC first and still foster a new relationship. It's entirely possible to spend Christmas together as a family despite a divorce.

When l met my OH he had a little one and an older (by 4 years) stepson. l live up North and he lives in London. We never spent a Christmas day together. We'd have 'our' Christmas a week or two before the actual day, and he'd spend Christmas with the kids and their mum (and her parents, and sometimes the eldest's dad). l used to work most Christmas days, and l had my elderly mother then, so going to London wasn't an option.
So far as l'm concerned he should be with his kids (even though they're grown up now) at Christmas. The youngest lives with him (he's 19) and has done for five years since he changed schools and his mum refused to move closer (it was a specific school on the other side of London from where they lived at the time). l'm very close to both boys and l wouldn't have heard of him even suggesting that he didn't see them on Christmas day.
lf you don't want to 'share' your man, don't get involved with one who has children. lf they're not his priority, l'd be wondering why.

You left the family home in February and had a girlfriend in March which meant you couldn't see your children every weekend, is that right?

You cut your contact hours with your kids so you could see your new girlfriend. Is that right?

Were you cheating on your wife?

Your kids must come first. You chose to bring them into the world, they have to be your priority, and it’s not their fault they’re in this wretched situation. If your GF loves you she will try to understand. She shouldn’t make you choose. If you choose her you’ll alienate your kids further.

You need to let your kids know that they will always come first, and your gf can take a hike if she doesn't understand that. As someone else has said, 45 min drive after work isn't that bad, see her then.

Its Christmas, you have to see your kids on Christmas, there shouldn't even be a 'dilemma'. Their lives have been upended and they're probably feeling angry and abandoned. They see you moving on with someone else while they pick up the pieces you left behind.

Remember that they are still adjusting to the divorce and their new homes. But also remember that they're teenagers who probably prefer hanging with their friends than their old dad. Obvs I don't know your kids but I definitely wasn't chilling with my parents when I hit my teens. When I wasn't out, I was in my room, and I know I certainly wouldn't have spent time with either of them if they were separated. Not out of not loving them, just teenage selfishness and thoughtlessness.

I'm sorry but your gf isn't really a consideration here. She might not even be around in 3 weeks or months so you should make sure you build a solid relationship with your kids and make sure they know you are still here for them, whenever, whatever. They won't be kids much longer so make the most of it. Tell your gf that while you understand her feeling left out, you will still be visiting the kids on Christmas and that maybe one day, if the relationship goes well, there may be a time to include her. If she doesn't want to wait then I suggest she find a man with no 'baggage'. This woman doesn't sound very understanding or considerate - I think you should find a confident woman with her own life who gives you the space and time you need for your kids.

You sound like a selfish, pompous twat who has left his family because he wasn't getting laid, begrudged paying to support his family, and then ditched his children the weekends he was supposed to see them in favour of some woman you've known a matter of weeks. Then you're amazed that they don't want to spend Christmas with you

Anyway to answer your question. Put your children first and your girlfriend sounds awful.

If I was dating a man who put me first before his own kids, I would stop dating him.

Kids should always come first and you should have seen them every weekend.

Your children come first. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable, giving ultimatums. I think you know that she isnt right for you but feel as though you deserve no better. But you do. You will meet someone better who understands that your children are your main priority.

If the OP had every weekend with his kids then when did their mum get to spend quality time with them?

Why don't you see the GF during the week and commute to work the next day? Many people have a longish commute. My commute used to be 1hr40 min one way. It's doable.

It should be noted that it wouldn't have been a problem for us for the four of us to spend every weekend together, but unfortunately they haven't wanted to meet my girlf and despite never meeting her my DD said she hates her

I think you lack empathy...why would your dc want to be around your new love interest? Can you not see it fron their point of view?

Also it seems you made a rash decision after only dating your gf for a few months to spend Christmas with her..What was the heated argument about as it's likely to be relevant, given your dc overheard.

Has anyone ever memtioned that you might lack empathy?