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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma.

64 replies

Dad2003 · 18/12/2018 20:23

Dear All,

As mentioned above I have a dilemma but should explain as it's not that simple.

In Feb 2017 I left my family home because after 15 years of never sharing a bed and as many years of me providing all the finances (as I was the only party earning). As well as other general disagreements about pretty much everything.

The divorce was finalised in September 2018, but in February my ex and two children (15 (DS) and 13 (DD) moved into a new home paid for with the proceeds of the sale of the family home. I was more generous with the settlement than I needed to be and she has a mortgage free 4 bed semi.

In the meantime I unsuccessfully attempted to live with my alcoholic mother and then rented a two bed flat in the hope my children would come and stay. Needless to say, they were put off staying with my mother just as I was!
However, for whatever reason my children wouldn't stay at the flat. My DD didn't like the smell there!!
I bought a house - moving in at the beginning of October and they have stayed once. They both have their own rooms, brand new beds, mattresses, duvets, pillows and bedding of their choice.

At the end of March this year I started dating someone (I'm heterosexual if it's important). However, she doesn't have a car and lives in a block of flats 45 minutes away. So viable meetings were only possible every other weekend. This meant I couldn't see my children every weekend which they had been used to since my leaving of the family home. It should be noted that it wouldn't have been a problem for us for the four of us to spend every weekend together, but unfortunately they haven't wanted to meet my girlf and despite never meeting her my DD said she hates her!

Understandably my girlf isn't happy about the fact that my children don't want to know her and it's an issue. At the weekend I found out from my DD that it's because I'm not spending every weekend with them.

Following a heated row back in the summer with my ex which my children witnessed, I decided to make plans to spend Christmas day with my girlf as I couldn't spend the day with my ex and her parents.

My girlf (who doesn't have children and can't have them after losing a baby) has been in two previous marriages where she didn't feel part of the family or that her feelings or thoughts were considered and probably gave more than she received, something no one wants to feel...

I planned to celebrate Christmas this year with my DC on Christmas eve or boxing day but neither of them want to come. I suggested to my girlf that I popped over for a couple of hours on Christmas day but this has proved to be an issue and something I have to make a decision over.
So spend a couple of hours with my children and lose my new love or not see my children on Christmas day. I'll be able to see them on Christmas eve for a couple of hours.

I am aware that I have done what I can for my DC for fear of losing them. I'm definitely seen as the baddie in all this. My ex would never have gone because she was so comfortable so I had to go. Not an easy thing to tell my children!

I quite understand that I said I'd spend Christmas day with her, but that was based on celebrating a special day with my children either before or after, but having to choose seems a bit unreasonable and it's playing on my mind.

If you're still reading, am I being unreasonable or is she?

Regards,

A loving dad.

OP posts:

Pasithea · 18/12/2018 21:47

I was in a similar situation with my biological father he chose the gf we have been nc for over 30 years. Your kids come first.

WinnieFosterTether · 18/12/2018 21:55

This shouldn't be a dilemma. You put your DCs first.
The 45 min drive is a rubbish excuse for putting your gf before your DCs. As PPs have said, that isn't an insurmountable distance and there doesn't seem to be a reason why you made it a choice between your DCs or your gf at the weekends. You could have went to your gfs during the week.
Your gf's attitude to the dcs is worrying. She shouldn't be unhappy that your DCs don't want to know her and she shouldn't be trying to get you to compensate for what she perceives as the additional effort she put into previous relationships. It doesn't sound as though she wants to have a relationship with someone who is a father. She's encouraging you to make it a competition and placing demands on you and your DCs. I'd be reconsidering the relationship with her tbh

Picnictime · 18/12/2018 21:57

Try looking at this from your kids perspective. You started seeing your gf and dropped contact in half. That's a lot. That's why they hate her - can you try and take a little responsibility here?
It's irrelevant what your exw got in the divorce. You can't expect your kids to understand the meaning behind this.
There are 2 days on a weekend, your kids don't stay over... What am I missing here?
So your gf lives 45 minutes away by car, that's my daily commute. Can you visit gf 1 day, kids the other?
As for Christmas, your gf is being unreasonable. Kids come first.
Your gf may have issues about not feeling part of the family, or she may be a little on the controlling side. I'm thinking it's the latter.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 18/12/2018 22:06

I agree with all the PPs.

I think you sound caring, and like you're trying to take everyone's needs and wants into consideration; but you can not compare an 8 month relationship to your actual children.
They only have one childhood.
And isn't Christmas all about the children?

CupoBlood · 18/12/2018 22:07

No woman should be interfering with the time you spend with your dc. No wonder they hate her.

Robin2323 · 18/12/2018 22:11

Oh dear what a pickle. I have just spent a rather pleasant afternoon with my 33 yr old step son. We arrange to meet in town and did a bit of shopping then he came back to mine and his dads and helped me out up the Christmas tree.
He was 9 when we first met. He used to visit his Dad every other week end. I'd know his dad a month.

We just all got on with it.
He never sees his mum, (her choice) and will be coming to us Christmas day, along with his little 23 yrs old brother, my and his dads son, home from uni.
Spend Christmas Day with your girlfriend, see the kids christmas Eve, lots of fuss and presents. Make sure they feel loved. there will be other christmas' and maybe by then they'll be open to you having a girlfriend.

lalalalyra · 18/12/2018 22:20

How soon after meeting your gf did you cut your children's contact time in half? That will be the answer to why your DD hates her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/12/2018 22:26

I think you should try looking at the situation from the point of view of your children.

For starters - put aside the reasons for your divorce. The relationship between yourself and your wife is completely separate from the relationship between yourself and your children. They had nothing to do with the divorce, it was imposed upon them.

From their point of view, you left them. (Yes, you left your wife, but we're looking at it from their point of view, remember?) They lost you from their daily life, and then they lost their home. (Yes they moved to a new house, but is that the same in their mind as their old home? Probably not.) They were seeing you every weekend, which isn't the same as daily. It changes the dynamic, which is why so many non-resident parents become "Disney Dads". It's unsettling for the children to feel their relationship with a parent shift like that.

And then you got a girlfriend, and you stopped seeing them every weekend. You replaced them with your girlfriend. (Their point of view, remember?) That hurts. That really hurts. And nobody hurts quite like a teenager. They're not being drama-llamas; their bodies are a swirling mass of hormone swings, which amplifies what they're feeling. And right now, they're feeling abandoned by their dad, who'd rather get his leg over his girlfriend of 9 months that come see his children.

So - get a fucking grip, and prioritise your children. And frankly, if you seeing your children on Christmas Day is such a huge problem for your girlfriend that this would 'lose you your new love' then she's really not worth it.

GinandGingerBeer · 18/12/2018 22:27

I'm hoping this is a reverse.

Oswin · 18/12/2018 22:34

Shes not happy that you would see your children for a few hours on Christmas day? I can't believe you are even entertaining this nonsense.

kenandbarbie · 18/12/2018 22:41

What everyone else said!!

Wigwambam10 · 18/12/2018 22:51

You said your girlfriend has been married twice and never felt part of either family.
Since she is throwing her toys out the pram about Christmas Day I am thinking there could be a good reason for her not being close to her 2 ex’s family.

The4thSandersonSister · 19/12/2018 07:43

Your Children and your GF are both right.

Your Children come first and especially at Christmas when they are still dealing with the fallout of their family dynamic being so dramatically altered. With all the "Family" hype around the Holidays and social media your Children will feel the loss of their past life all the more.

Your GF is also right. If after years of putting other people wishes first she wants to feel like she is the priority for once. The thing is when you date people with young Children/Teens your not going to come first unless the person has pretty much abdicated parental responsibility. I feel for your GF, but she is probably better off looking for a BF that can put her first which isn't you right now.

You can't be the good guy in this scenario as each party is deserving, but you can only be with one, and the right choice as a Parent is your Children.

ShinyMe · 19/12/2018 19:06

Are you coming back OP?

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