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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to know

51 replies

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 18:47

Ok, basically summary. Dad of 2, Dd 7 and ds 3. Found out last week my wife has been having an affair since January, things haven’t been right since oooh about january...

We are remaining civil and even friendly (even though I am completely broken) as we never really argue anyway but she keeps saying I haven’t asked who it is yet as it’s the first thing she’d want to know she says.

I’m not interested in who it is though and think it would make me feel even worse.

Aibu and should I just find out?

OP posts:
loubluee · 18/12/2018 18:49

Only you can decide. Sounds like it’s someone you know though.

Cherries101 · 18/12/2018 18:50

It’s your decision to make but I think it may help you get closure if you know.

HollowTalk · 18/12/2018 18:51

Why is she saying that? Surely she should be glad that you don't want to know? Is she trying to hurt you even more?

I think you should find out who it was, though. It might be someone who's being friendly to you.

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 18:52

If you don't want to know, that's completely reasonable. There are lots more questions I'd be considering now, though.

Are you going to continue the relationship? Seek couples counselling? Did you wife admit to it, or did you 'find out'?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 18:53

It’s your decision, and only yours.

What she says or thinks is irrelevant and unfair of her to push the issue.

MatildaTheCat · 18/12/2018 18:53

Is she trying to provoke you into caring?

I hope you can work it out and begin to communicate. If you don’t communicate there can’t be much hope unfortunately.

Kochicoo · 18/12/2018 18:53

That's awful and YANBU. The very fact she wants to tell you would make me not want to know. Maybe she wants to shift the blame onto them. Don't let her.

I mean, obviously do whatever feels right for you. Good luck.

7salmonswimming · 18/12/2018 18:55

I’d be wondering why she wanted me to know. Sounds like she’s flaunting her affair, which is a strange thing to do by the standards of extra-marital affairs. Why would she do that?

gamerwidow · 18/12/2018 18:56

I you don’t want to know that’s fine. She wants to tell you for her benefit not yours.

steff13 · 18/12/2018 18:56

I think it's weird that she wants to tell you. Whether I would want to know would depend on whether I wanted to continue the relationship, I think. If I intended to continue, I would NOT want to know, because I think I'd obsess about what she (in my case) had that I don't.

CottonTailRabbit · 18/12/2018 18:57

Introduce her to your new friend. Your lawyer.

Thesmallthings · 18/12/2018 19:00

I think she thinks you don't care..which means you can't love her...which means she can feel less guilty.

Take each day as it comes, you may find you do want to know tomorrow. But she has no right in getting mad or asking you to act in a way she wants. ...or to make her feel better.

TeddybearBaby · 18/12/2018 19:00

She might not be flaunting it. Could just be being honest. It’s probably the first thing I’d want to know too. She might be trying to figure out where you’re going from here. I’m wondering why you don’t want to know, perhaps it’ll make it more real to you, maybe you’d rather block it out. Sorry you’re going through this, must be very difficult 💐.

CanuckBC · 18/12/2018 19:02

I personally would want to know. Why, to make sure that person is not my friend and if they were they sure the hell would no longer be.

I am sorry you are going through this especially right before Christmas. Anytime sucks but it will always be the time you found out about her affair:(

CanuckBC · 18/12/2018 19:03

By the way, it’s perfectly in your right to not know. Tell her to back off and stop pushing. If my DH or OH cheated they would be gone. No questions of gaffing about needed.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/12/2018 19:04

My opinion, You either don’t want to know because you’ve decided it’s over or because you want to stay and pretend it didn’t happen- which is it

ThePinkOcelot · 18/12/2018 19:04

Is the affair over OP. Are you trying to work things out?

If it were me, I think I’d want to know. Not that I think it helps though. To me, she seems to be trying to rub your nose in it.

wondering1101 · 18/12/2018 19:06

My ex got togethers with someone within two seconds after we split up and during the awful awful months that we had to share a house.

I have no idea if he is still with her but I did not and do not want to know who she is. At all.

YANBU.

wondering1101 · 18/12/2018 19:07

Sorry - bad grammar and typos Blush.

minisoksmakehardwork · 18/12/2018 19:11

If it would make you feel worse and you don't want to know, then don't.

It sounds like it might be someone you know, at least in some way if not very well. To me, her wanting you to ask is her way of portraying herself as the victim - "you didn't give me what X does" etc. It's another stick to beat yourself with.

Personally I don't think I would want to know, I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't want to be told.

Original poster
DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 19:18

I eventually got the information last week when she was talking about couples counselling but more for seeing what the best thing was for the kids if we have a trial separation after Xmas. All the signs were there I suppose but I still didn’t believe it until she said as I tend to take people at their word.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 19:22

The latter at the moment... open to the idea of sorting things out.

OP posts:
Itsallwhite · 18/12/2018 19:25

Really sorry that your going through this, it's truly awful!
How did you find out? Maybe she doesn't want things to end? It's not to late for couples counseling :)

Original poster
DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 19:36

Thanks for the messages of support. Basically she told me she was unhappy back in September and doesn’t have the same feelings for me that she did - I have been putting that down to emotional blunting from the ssri she has been on for 18 months. I never dreamt it was due to someone else. I’m fairly sure it’s not anyone I know and is someone from her work. The relationship seems to still be ongoing but as I’ve only been in possession of the facts for a week I’m struggling with what to do. I still love her and miss her desperately. I’ve been signed off work with stress and anxiety for 3 weeks.

She seems very conflicted as she says she has feelings for this person and she never intended it to happen, she was just very unhappy at the time with life in general and assured me I did nothing wrong.

Awful mess.

OP posts:
noego · 18/12/2018 19:38

she keeps saying I haven’t asked who it is yet as it’s the first thing she’d want to know she says

She is playing a game with you. Don't bite. Pack her bags and tell her to move out.

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