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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to know

51 replies

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 18:47

Ok, basically summary. Dad of 2, Dd 7 and ds 3. Found out last week my wife has been having an affair since January, things haven’t been right since oooh about january...

We are remaining civil and even friendly (even though I am completely broken) as we never really argue anyway but she keeps saying I haven’t asked who it is yet as it’s the first thing she’d want to know she says.

I’m not interested in who it is though and think it would make me feel even worse.

Aibu and should I just find out?

OP posts:

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 19:39

What an awful situation for you to be going through.

Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Please don't suffer this alone, talk to someone you trust.

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 19:41

Quite embarrassed about it at the moment and it’s still very raw so can’t face talking to family or friends. Seeing my therapist tomorrow.

OP posts:

Candy43 · 18/12/2018 19:45

You don’t need to be embarrassed. She is the one who cheated.

Sorry you’re going through this. Not only the affair but that she’s forcing information on you.

Whatever you choose to do I hope it works out.

But to answer the original question no you aren’t being unreasonable not wanting to know. She is trying to force you to ask. It’s almost sick like she wants to crow over you.

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 19:50

Just to clarify... she isn’t forcing information on me, just finds it unusual I don’t want to know.

OP posts:

MamaBearThius · 18/12/2018 19:54

Really sorry you're going through this

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 20:02

Thank you

OP posts:

Biancadelriosback · 18/12/2018 20:09

I don't think the relationship can be saved after a nearly year long affair with someone she now has feelings for. I would genuinely close this chapter in your life.

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 20:16

Anyway I think it takes a particularly immoral person to get involved with someone married with small children and I hope he stands on an upturned plug.

OP posts:

Biancadelriosback · 18/12/2018 20:46

True but he isn't the one who made the commitment to someone else. He isn't the one who should have thought about the family being hurt. That was her. She broke her vow. She cheated. He didn't

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 20:48

I disagree that he is blameless, he chose to blow a family apart too. Only difference is vows, she is more culpable because of that, but only just. Neither are decent people.

Biancadelriosback · 18/12/2018 20:50

Who said he was blameless?

greendale17 · 18/12/2018 20:53

Your wife is the sole cause of your heartbreak. She was the one who broke her vows to you and chose to have an affair.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 20:53

He might not be single either.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 20:54

Biancadelriosback Er, you? Or rather seem to dispute that OP has the right to be angry with both.

Neverunderfed · 18/12/2018 20:58

It takes a shitty person to mess around with someone who is married. Whether or not they made vows makes no odds.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 18/12/2018 21:00

Neverunderfed that’s a far more articulate way of saying what I meant to say.

holidayhope · 18/12/2018 21:04

So sorry OP

You really don't need to torture yourself with details or allow it to continue while you talk about if you can work things out

You are the victim here

pippety · 18/12/2018 21:06

for you OP - it’s an awful situation to be in. Glad you are seeing a therapist - hopefully they’ll be able to help you work through all of this. You say your wife feels “conflicted” but if it’s been going on this long she’s had more than enough time to decide to end the affair. I think you sound like a kind and patient man who deserves far better.

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 18/12/2018 22:07

Yes I think I deserve better too but currently trying to make allowances for the depression and anxiety she’s suffered and the medication she’s on which can obviously cause reckless behaviour, probably clutching at straws but have to consider our 2 children who we both love dearly. Staying as a family of 4 has to be the best for them.

OP posts:

EleanorShellstropper · 18/12/2018 23:22

OP...depression and anxiety do not cause infidelity. Neither does any medication to treat them.

Sometimes staying as a one unit family isn't the best option. A happy family is the best. She's done the worst thing she could possibly have done, and it's because of selfishness and entitlement, rather than anxiety and depression. Don't let her lessen her acts. You deserve so much more and I'm so sorry.

holidayhope · 18/12/2018 23:28

Does she have bipolar OP? Just wondering if that's why you're trying to excuse it?

I did with an ex. It is possible though for people to just be cunts even if they do have MH problems. You don't have to take it...

JustLetMeStapleTheVicar · 19/12/2018 12:21

It takes a shitty person to mess around with someone who is married. Whether or not they made vows makes no odds.

This. I used to work with a guy who was a supposedly staunch Catholic, who held marriage and the accompanying ties that bind in high regard.

He was also a complete shit who was drawn to married women. He tried it on, repeatedly, with me - a happily married mother of 2 - then eventually succeeded in destroying the marriage of another colleague (of course, she was equally to blame). She has 3 DC and walked out on them and her DH, for this bloody idiot.

This particular guy has attachment and personality disorders, due to an absolutely horrendous upbringing, but it's not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I have type 1 bipolar disorder, and even during the most significantly destructive episodes of my illness (of which there have been many, all of them very serious, to the point of being sectioned), cheating on and causing untold agony to my DH and DC has never crossed my radar. I cause them enough pain as it is. My illness is not and never will be an excuse.

It is possible though for people to just be cunts even if they do have MH problems. You don't have to take it...

Absolutely.

Original poster

DaddyPig28 · 19/12/2018 20:59

Thanks for the messages. It has certainly helped put things in perspective along with conversations with a friend and my therapist today... and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

She’s now saying she’s in no rush to move out after Christmas, probably because I’ve said in the last few days I don’t want her to go. But at the same time it looks as though she has no intention of ending the adulterous relationship.

As painful as her leaving will be I really can’t stand for her having her cake and eating it.

OP posts:

JustLetMeStapleTheVicar · 20/12/2018 08:55

As painful as her leaving will be I really can’t stand for her having her cake and eating it.

Damn bloody right! She's treating you like a fool. Keep your dignity and let her find out for herself that the grass isn't greener - it's just more grass.

Itsallwhite · 20/12/2018 21:04

How are you doing? Have you asked her if she is still in a relationship with this man? Have you asked her does she want to be with you?

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