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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and the panto

100 replies

Winterfellwonderland · 18/12/2018 15:01

My mil had planned to take our oldest ds to see a panto at the weekend gone. Ds was really looking forward to it. Cut a long story short and probably some outing info , fil decided he now wanted to go with mil so mil told us the day before she wouldn’t be taking ds and instead fil was going. My ds did nothing to challenge this, I feel like I’m the only one who thinks this is awful behaviour! I know a lot of replies will be she has every right to take who she wants, yeah fair enough as long as your not upsetting a little boy who’s been looking forward to it! Any advice how to handle this one because I feel I can’t let her get away with it!

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 18/12/2018 16:44

How incredibly mean of her
If the tickets are too expensive for you to take him, try having a look for an amateur/semi prof panto at a smaller local theatre - it will be much cheaper and will have all the same slapstick stuff children love.

justonemoreminutepls · 18/12/2018 16:45

tell her how disappointed he was to be let down so very last minute after looking forward to it for so long and that in future, perhaps it's best we don't make plans in advance, as it's unfair on your ds to be so let down without good reason.

i'd also be feeling pretty annoyed and wanting to be petty and every time she asks to do something in future, say, oh ask me nearer the time, i don't want to mention it to ds in case you have to cancel again and disappoint him, then when she asks nearer the time, no sorry he's busy... a few repeat times of that would be punishment enough.
i wouldn't actually be able to do that, and i know how petty it is but it really does piss me off when people are so selfish!

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/12/2018 16:49

Unless your oldest DS is 27, this is horrible!

I wouldn't let it go, to be honest. I would have to say that she mustn't promise such things and not follow through.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 18/12/2018 16:51

Whaaat! Awful. How can her husband take the place of a child? Do they need it spelling out just how devastated he is? Tell them! And if they insist on excluding him then I would never accept an invitation like it again. Can't they buy another ticket, ffs, or the grandpa stay home???

joystir59 · 18/12/2018 16:55

How old is DS? if he is an adult then not so much of an issue.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/12/2018 17:04

How old is Ds? I feel for him, FIL sounds like an arsehole. Is MIL scared of him?

DH should man up and speak to his dad about this imo.

Xenadog · 18/12/2018 17:06

OP, your ILs are utter cunts and your DH is a spineless twat.

I’m so cross on you DS’s behalf.

This is one of those times I’d be drawing a line in the sand with ILs and DH from now on.

Like PP have said, I’d be making all sorts of promises to them in the future and Then cancel at the last minute. See how they like it. Twats.

I would show DH this thread so he can get it into his thick head how awful his family have been to your DS.

eggsandwich · 18/12/2018 17:08

I’m afraid I would have to talk to her about it calmly (though I’d want to punch her) and say you just cannot do that to a child its cruel to promise and then withdraw the offer and take someone else.

If you don’t say something it will eat away at you, at least let her know in no uncertain terms that you think she is bang out of order.

Just another thing, are you spending Christmas with the inlaws? if so you might want to revisit that and maybe say you’ve change your mind and say you’re no longer going there as your visiting another relative even if your not, but then I’m a cow.

MortyVicar · 18/12/2018 17:27

I think fil who is as miserable and mean as Scrooge himself probably said something along the lines of fancying going and mil jumped at the chance to take him instead

Or did he not like the idea that MiL was spending money that he wasn't going to get any benefit fro, so he wanted to go to get his money's worth?

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2018 17:40

How old is he?

VickyEadie · 18/12/2018 17:43

If your DH doesn't get it, then book a special meal out for the two of you and tell him so he can look forward to it.

I would add 'and promise him the shag of his life afterwards'.

Last minute, tell him you're taking a friend instead.

Beeziekn33ze · 18/12/2018 17:48

OP That's an awful thing to do to a child. I can understand why you can't easily take your son yourself, as you'd have to buy 2 x £30 tickets.
Some of the smaller theatres show amateur and other less expensive pantomimes and children's plays, perhaps the grandparents can be shamed into providing two tickets. I hope your unaware MiL and selfish PiL don't start telling your son about the pantomime he's missed!

anniehm · 18/12/2018 17:52

That's really bad, look for an amateur production, often tickets are very cheap

Vickytoria72 · 18/12/2018 18:01

Could you promise to take your mil out for afternoon tea then when it's the day before say sorry you're not going to take her as your ds really wanted to go.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 18/12/2018 18:08

I agree with anniehm, there are many local amateur panto’s put on in my local area. If you have an arts centre near you then I would try there. My DB starred in several panto’s for our local arts centre, they are usually just as good if not better than the big theatre productions. They are not as expensive either! You could try posting on a local Facebook page asking for details of local panto productions.

ForalltheSaints · 18/12/2018 18:11

Oh yes you are (being reasonable to be upset).

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 18/12/2018 18:29

I can’t believe your DH doesn’t see the problem here! Does your DS know yet that he isn’t going? I’d actually make sure DH is there when he finds out as seeing his son get upset might be the only thing that will get through to him. Your MIL and FIL have behaved appallingly.

muchprefersummer · 18/12/2018 18:40

I'd be bloody livid if that had happened to my DS. If my mil did that, I'd have to have serious words with her and fil. You can't promise to take a child somewhere, then cancel for another adult to go instead.

Blatherskite · 18/12/2018 18:48

That's so mean!

perfectstorm · 19/12/2018 22:09

DD was sick the night before her panto and couldn't go. She was upset and I was gutted for her. That's unavoidable. This is planned. Just bloody awful and horrible.

Is your DH's reaction because this was normal in his childhood? His Dad wanted something, and his Mum trampled on him in an attempt to serve her lord and master? If so, then he's not about to recognise how vile it is, no. Would mean examining an awful lot of things about his own past he'd rather not.

Really sorry for you and your DS. Hope he enjoys the alternative you provide.

ChristmasFlary · 19/12/2018 22:13

Oh... my...god.... my mouth literally fell open. How completely and utterly nasty of them.

youcanthaveitchyteeth · 20/12/2018 14:49

Wow what a bunch of absolute twats they are!! Your DH should be RAGING that they've let your DH down like this. Spineless shit

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 22/12/2018 05:09

I hope that your little one is feeling excited about Christmas OP.

Have you spoken to your in-laws since OP? I would be fuming, I don’t envy the atmosphere at gift swapping for Christmas x

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/12/2018 05:34

So 2 old people are going to be sat in a sea of families with children watching a panto.

They are going to stick out like a sore thumb and people are going to find it very weird

Dragonglass · 22/12/2018 10:08

So 2 old people are going to be sat in a sea of families with children watching a panto.

They are going to stick out like a sore thumb and people are going to find it very weird

No they won't. Lots of people got the panto without children. It is a show for everyone.

That said, it is a very mean thing to do and I would be angry with them all, including your dh.

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